One Always Wants What One Can't Have
by Emma Morgan
Summary: This story follows the same storyline as in the show, but with a twist: it's told from Shelby's POV.
1. Still Free

Disclaimer: This isn't mine. I'm only making this up from what I know from the show! Don't sue, you know it'll come to no good!  
  
Author's Note: Well, here's another one of my stories. It's definitely not as sappy as the other one (Perfect Love in an Imperfect World). So I'm not trying to kill you all by means of sappiness and silliness! LOL Oh, I'm writing this in the first person, from Shelby's point of view, because it's easier to write, and it makes it more interesting, I think. Well, enjoy, and don't forget to review, just no flaming garbage, please!  
  
I arrived in the motel that we'd been staying at for a while now. I had just come back from work, as we called it. Everything was all over the place, some things were even broken, smashed to bits. Amazingly enough, this didn't bother me anymore. I'd been coming "home" to this same scene for a week or two, now.  
  
She always did this. It had become routine by now. She went to work and, on her way home, spent all her "hard-earned" money. It was always all spent on her cocaine fix of the day. Because of her addiction, I had to make the money for both of our food and board.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" I yelled one day, returning in the late morning. It was 11, and she was already high beyond the point of no return. "You're going to OD, if you're not careful," I said as I put my bag down and went to change into my sweats. It had been a long night, and I desperately wanted some sleep. When I came back from the bathroom, she was passed out, or at least, that's what I thought. I went to carry her over to her bed when I screamed. Her eyes were open! I quickly checked her pulse and breath... none! I didn't know CPR, what was I to do? I panicked. I picked up the phone, about to call the ambulance when I heard sirens.  
  
Sirens... police. Police... missing persons. Missing persons... me. Me... mom! Damn it! I knew my mom had told the police about me running. She had to make herself feel good in knowing she at least did SOMETHING. The police had been looking for me for a little under a year, now. They must've finally put pieces together.  
  
I was about to run, when I remembered something Patty had told me when we first met: "If I die on the streets, like this, I want to be a Jane Doe. I don't want my parents to see me like this! As much as I hate them, I still have my pride." It was the least I could do.  
  
I started running around the motel room, picking up my bag and stuffing it with anything they could use to trace her identity: ID's, money, clothes, letters, pictures, even receipts.  
  
Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door. I grabbed my coat and was out the window on the other side of the room as the door opened. I was gone! I was still free! 


	2. A History I was Willing to Forget

Disclaimer: We all know this isn't mine, so why would someone even bother suing me??? Hmmm???  
  
I ran. I don't know for how long, but I just kept running. If they didn't catch me, I could remain... here. Why did I want to stay here? I can't believe Patty left me! How could she OD? If not for her own life, for mine! I could call mom, or Jess and they'd come to get me, but I'm not going home! Not while he's there.  
  
While I was thinking these things, I had stopped running. I needed to rest. I still hadn't slept since I came "home" from "work". I sat down on a bench in a park. My face was impassible. It didn't betray any emotion whatsoever. I made sure to keep my eyes blank as well. If no one cared, no one would bother me, and I wouldn't have to tell... to relive it. It was over, it was the past!  
  
I had been staring straight ahead and didn't notice a man sit down beside me.  
  
"Miss Merrick?"  
  
"How'd you know my name?" I asked. How on Earth did he know my name? I never used my real name when I was working.  
  
"Don't worry. I'm here to help you."  
  
"Oh, really? I don't see the halo."  
  
He let out a chuckle, trying to stay in my good graces. "No, I'm the police officer who was personally assigned to your case. Miss Merrick, you're a missing person, you know that, right?"  
  
"Of course I know. The second I left, I knew. My idiotic mother was bound to at least send someone else out looking for me."  
  
"Well, actually your mother isn't the one who called us. Your sister did."  
  
"Jess," I whispered to myself. He nodded.  
  
"Look, I don't know why you ran away, and I know that you obviously don't want to go back home. I talked to your mother about this. She told me about the other times you'd run. We both agreed that home was not the place for you."  
  
"Why'd you think I ran?" I asked, proving his point.  
  
"That's why, if you come home, we'll find some where for you."  
  
I shook my head. "I'm not going home. You can't make me!" I got up and started to run. He ran after me, and grabbed my arm.  
  
"Look, we can do this quietly, or we can do this forcefully, with the hand-cuffs," he told me firmly. I had just lost my best friend, he didn't know that, but it made it a whole lot harder to find the energy to run from him. I had nowhere to go, no one to see, nothing to do. Now I was simply tumbleweed blowing around in the wind, nothing more or less. I had nothing to keep me rooted down. I desperately needed some good sleep and actual food, so I agreed. I was going to run in the end, either way.  
  
So, we got up, he led me to his police car, and we drove to the airport. We were in one of the very commercial parts of Seattle, my house, which had once been called a home, was in the northern part of New York state. The police were actually pretty surprised I'd been able to get out this far on my own!  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
When we arrived at the airport, I got out, holding onto my backpack for dear life. It held all that I owned and all that Patty had owned. It was my only link to her. Mr. Clarence led me to the ticket counter. He bought me a ticket to bring me home; the thing is the plane was just about to board. He knew what I was, a runaway, so he escorted me to the boarding gate. Everyone kept throwing me dirty looks, like they all knew who I was... what I really was. They'd never know, though. They'd never be able to imagine all the things I'd been through. They all had their silly little lives that amounted to a hill of beans in the end. I was only seventeen and I already had a huge history. A history I was willing to forget.  
  
Mr. Clarence practically walked me onto the airplane. He would've if the lady behind the desk hadn't let him. While she was battling it out with him, I notice how utterly stupid she looked. She must've had about a foot of make-up plastered onto her thin, bony face. She had her long blondish hair up in a bun. It was so ugly! It had obviously been badly bleached, so she'd tried to dye it, which hadn't worked, so she'd put streaks in. The whole this was such a mess of crap. She kept giving me dirty looks too.  
  
I just stuck up my finger mouthing the words "fuck you." That shut her up. She didn't even dare look at me again. Mr. Clarence had his back to me that entire scene, so he had no clue what had happened, which didn't really bother me, but seemed to embarrass the lady for some reason.  
  
Finally, I got on the plane. I had been instructed to wait for a Mr. Young when I landed. Whatever, I thought. It doesn't really matter in the end. New York, Seattle, what's the difference, I pondered with disgust. That's when it hit me. An even more disgusting thought: I was going home! I hated "home" in every respect, that is, except for Jess. She was my baby sister, and I loved her with all my heart, after all, I had nothing else to give my love to, nor did I want to. Jess would always have all my love, as far as I was concerned. 


	3. A School Called Horizon

Disclaimer: They're not mine, you know it, I know it... well, only Mr. Young and Mr. Clarence are of my excellent creation.  
  
Author's Note: Alright, I have an apology to make. I just saw "Daised and Confused" yesterday. I hadn't seen it before (anything I write is based on the little Higher Ground I have seen, the sites I've read stuff on, what I've heard from other fans, and what I've read in fanfictions.) Anyways, I saw the scene where Shelby's telling Daisy about how when she found Patty dead, she ran. Well, she wasn't changed, she was still in her "working" get-up. And it was night! So, I'm very sorry about how I made that little mistake in my fanfiction, please excuse it. Okay, on with the show!  
  
Mr. Young sat beside me in his car. He was the social worker the police officer had handed me over to. As his car rumbled into the parking space, my stomach turned at all the memories of times past. This was a sad, dilapidated place indeed, I thought.  
  
My mother opened the door for Mr. Young. She looked happy, but I was here to burst her bubble. That's when I got out of the car and her face fell immediately.  
  
"Shelby," she said, unenthusiastically.  
  
"Mother," I said with a nod. "You look good," I continued, being very obviously sarcastic. Her face still lit up at my fake compliment. I don't think she realized how sarcastic I really was. "My, you've done a lot with the place," I continued with a smirk aimed to annoy and anger. Did it ever work!  
  
"It's not like you've been here a lot," she spat back.  
  
"Oh, that cut deep, mom, real deep," I said, walking past her, into the house. Jess had heard my arrival and had come down. As it was still early, she was in her PJ's. "Jess!" I said, very happy and relieved to see her again.  
  
"Shelby! I missed you so much!" she mumbled into my shirt as I hugged her. While we were hugging, the adults had gone into the kitchen.  
  
When we finally pulled apart, she had a smile on her face. I couldn't smile for real, I didn't remember how; it had been too long. I knew how to give the smile that lined the guys up on the street corner, but not the smile to show my feelings. My eyes smiled for me, and Jess understood, which was all I needed.  
  
"Shelby! Come in here!" my mother yelled from the kitchen.  
  
"Yes, mother?" I asked, disgust dripping from my voice. What did she want now? I walked into the kitchen. Mother, Mr. Young, and... him! Walt, my ever-so-Cinderella-like evil stepfather. He smiled at me. I didn't want to, but to avoid attracting attention, I gave him a smile. It was fake, and he knew it.  
  
"Shelby, I know you're not okay. You ran for a reason, and you need to get better now. Mr. Young has just told me about this school."  
  
"Way to be subtle mom. And do you really think that a school is going to help me?" I asked. My voice was full of that same disgust, it was simply betraying the feeling in my gut and the look in my eyes.  
  
"Now, kitten, hear your mother out," Walt said. I shuddered at his pet name for me. It was so wrong, on so many levels!  
  
"Whatever," I said with a shrug. I didn't sit down, despite the pleading look in my mother's eyes. I would give her no such satisfaction.  
  
"Okay, this school is called Mount Horizon. It's up in the mountains, near a town named Agnes, in British Columbia."  
  
"I should've known," I mumbled. Of course she'd try to ship me off as far away as possible. Didn't she get it? I'd run! I'd run from anywhere!  
  
"It's a school for kids such as yourself," Mr. Young said, interrupting my pondering.  
  
"What do you mean, such as myself?" I asked, getting mad. This man-these two other people, whom I didn't even know, as well-didn't know me. They had no idea of all the things I'd been through.  
  
Mr. Young looked really uncomfortable.  
  
"Never mind," I broke in. "When do I leave?"  
  
"Tonight. The plane for Vancouver leaves tonight at 10 o'clock," my mother said.  
  
"Okay, I'll be ready for the airport trip at 8," I said, leaving to pack. Mother and me, alone on a plane for a few hours,, then alone in a car for a few more. I wondered what would come of it. 


	4. Exposed

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of Higher Ground.  
  
Author's Note: Sorry this chapter is so short, but I thought that was a good place to stop. I stop the chapters when I want to keep suspense. Besides, there was so much tough matter in there, that I couldn't deal when I was writing.  
  
I was in my room, getting stuff together for a stay at my very own jail. From what I'd been told, it was a wilderness school surrounded by forests. A girl I knew on the streets had a friend who'd gone to a similar school. Apparently they put all these "crazy" kids together and sent them out into the woods and called it emotional therapy. If anything, I would at least have a fun time putting them out of their minds. The second I thought of this idea, the idea of this school was not nearly as disgusting and repulsive.  
  
On the other hand I had so much to deal with that I wouldn't be able to throw them off. But they wouldn't discover my secrets. They were buried deep. Deep in the depths of my heart, my soul. They were protected by countless walls I'd built up over the two years I'd had these secrets. If they even tried to get through, there'd be another wall waiting for them.  
  
Why did I do this to myself? I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to trust and for them to trust me. I wanted to love! What I wanted would never happen unless they knew my past and accepted me for it. But they'd never know, because I wouldn't tell them.  
  
Wow I am more screwed up that I thought!  
  
Someone knocked on my door. I turned around, memories of utter fear rushed through my mind. It was him, I knew it. He opened the door and I covered my mouth to prevent the scream from escaping.  
  
"You said no more! You promised!" I said. I tried to remain strong, but he'd seen me at my lowest and was not deceived. I couldn't scream, my voice wasn't there. I couldn't run, my legs weren't moving. I had become the scared little girl I'd once been.  
  
"Oh, kitten, you know that's not true." He came to touch my cheek. I winced at his seemingly soft touch. To an outsider it would seem loving and kind, but to me, it shot needles into my face. Wherever he touched, my skin burned. He stepped closer, moving his hands lower. I was paralyzed with fear, anger, and humiliation. I couldn't scream, my voice caught in my throat.  
  
Suddenly a knock came from the door.  
  
"Shelby, you nearly done?" my mother's voice called out.  
  
"Yes," I replied in a meek voice. Walt let go of me. "I'll be down in a minute." I heard her walk down the hall and continue down the stairs. Walt looked at me. He obviously didn't want to leave with nothing. He got closer and kissed me while grabbing my ass. It was just a grab. It was almost as if he were clawing into it. His mouth covered mine so that I couldn't cry out in pain. I was trapped until he finally let go. I just stood there, unfeeling, unmoving, statue-like. It was the only way I could keep my dignity by remaining strong. It felt like forever, and I wanted it to stop! After it ended, he just left with a wicked smile. I tried to stay standing, to stay strong, but I couldn't. My body crumpled from under me, and I just sat there. Alone, in a corner of my room, crying, and completely exposed. 


	5. Losing Grip

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, so don't even bother suing, it won't do any good! I also don't own the Avril Lavigne songs, "Losing Grip," and "Unwanted," featured in this chapter. And by the way, she's a wonderful singer and I don't care what y'all think!  
  
"So, how have you been lately?" my mother asked as we sat down on the plane that was to take us to Vancouver, Canada.  
  
I shot her a dirty look, showing that I didn't want to talk. She didn't seem to notice or to care.  
  
"Uh, I've been fine," I finally said, just to get her off my case.  
  
"Well, we've all been fine. I got that job at the hospital not long ago. You know, the one I wanted?" She seemed really excited. I gave no sign of acknowledgement. "And Jess has been doing very well at school. She's got herself some very nice friends and I think she may have a boyfriend." Again, no acknowledgement. Little did she know, but I was taking note of all she said.  
  
We sat in silence for a while. I fell asleep while mother watched the movie that was playing. I woke up an hour or so later. I didn't let it show, though. Airplane food was terrible, mother was just finishing her movie, and I had no wish to speak to her. I just looked out the window. The clouds had parted and , as it was night, I could see the lights of whatever city it was that we were flying over. The moon was also shining brightly outside my window. A silent tear rolled down my cheek. That was the last trace of emotion I was to show in public for a while to come, and I knew it. As it fell, a shadow crossed my eyes and settled. The weight of the world came crashing down on my shoulders.  
  
It became my opinion that from the moment you're born, people start taking pieces of you away and you're lucky to even survive. I was in so many pieces, dispersed across a country, across a life. I doubted I would ever become full again, I had lost many of my pieces. I was losing grip of my life, and it hurt!  
  
*******  
Why should I care?  
'Cuz you weren't there when I was scared  
I was so alone.  
You, you need to listen  
I'm starting to trip; I'm losing my grip  
And I'm in this thing alone.  
*******  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
The plane touched down, sending shivers down my spine.  
  
I hated that feeling of having your heart in your throat, it felt so uncomfortable, so sickening. It was the feeling I got when I was with Walt. I hated that feeling!  
  
Before I knew it, we were getting off the plane. My mother was all shaky, as she hated plane rides. I disliked them, but didn't make a big deal out of them. She lived for attention and I just rolled my eyes at her little displays.  
  
We stepped off the plane, uneventfully except for several guys trying to pinch my posterior. I just ignored them. Normally, I'd be all over them, earning a "living," but I had bigger things on my mind.  
  
"Uh, how do you expect us to get to this school of yours?" I asked, pointing out the obvious: we had no car.  
  
"Oh! This man from Horizon is coming to pick us up. His name's Roger Claypool. We're meeting him at the baggage pick-up. Come on," she explained, leading the way.  
  
I just adopted a blank stare and followed.  
  
That stare was my shield. When I had that stare, I was impassible, people didn't know what I was thinking. At this moment, I was happy, grateful that no one could see into my soul. I was scared, I was alone, I was sad. If they knew! If they only knew! How was I to get rid of this load, of these demons, of my past?  
  
I felt so unwanted.  
  
******  
You don't know me  
Don't ignore me  
You don't want me there  
You just shut me out  
You don't know me  
Don't ignore me  
If you had your way  
You'd just shut me out  
Make me go away  
******  
  
We arrived at the baggage pick-up. I got the bags while mother went to find Roger. When I found both my bags, I brought them to some waiting chairs. I sat down and an overwhelming urge to cry came over me.  
  
I couldn't cry! Crying shows weakness and I was not weak! I had the whole tough-girl persona to keep up. I couldn't let it crack. If they saw what was under my tough mask, they'd hat me. They'd go running the other way. I had to hide myself. The only way I knew how to keep people at bay-because if they got too close, they'd start trying to pry me open-was to be mean. I mean I wouldn't want to be friends with me if I were one of them. I had only ever been truly nice to Patty and Jess... oh, and mother, before she chose a husband over a daughter, that is.  
  
Suddenly, a hand was placed on my shoulder. It felt warm and comforting, but again, I couldn't let them in! I shrugged it off immediately, trying to be the cold person the world viewed me as. Because that's all they really did: view me. No one really went passed an initial viewing. They saw me and despite the fact that they thought I was pretty or not, they didn't give me a second chance. It was their fault I was this cold. If they 'd accepted me, and let me in, I wouldn't be so willing to retreat into my own little hole.  
  
Anyways, I'd just shrugged this hand off my shoulder so I got up. I saw a tall, buff man standing beside mother.  
  
"And you must be Mr. Roger Claypool," I said, my voice already bored. He nodded.  
  
"Yeah, just call me Roger. And you're Shelby?" he asked, mimicking my tone. Man, this guy was good, he got under my skin... trying to show me he really didn't care what I thought of him in the end. I nodded.  
  
"Shelby, I'm going to leave you with Mr. Claypool. He'll take you to Horizon and make sure you're settled in. I have to catch a flight back," she said.  
  
I nodded, not very interested. She seemed to want to give me a hug. Over my dead body!  
  
"So, lets get this show on the road," I said, grabbing my bags, turning on my heel, and walking away, leaving my mother dumfounded. Roger shrugged and followed me.  
  
He led me to an old pick-up truck waiting outside.  
  
"I was expecting a limo at least," I said, mimicking a disappointed tone. He shot me a look to shut me up, so I did.  
  
We didn't talk the entire ride. Until a sign saying "Mount Horizon High School" came into view, Roger was silent, but kept checking me to see if I was alright.  
  
"Welcome home," he said. When I didn't say anything he continued. "Are you alright? You haven't said a word all ride, you haven't tried to run, you haven't even been shooting me dirty looks. Are you really all that messed up?" he asked at last in a rather joking tone.  
  
"I wouldn't mess with things I don't understand," I said in a near whisper. "If I were you," I added, looking at him with a very dirty look.  
  
"Oh, believe me, I understand way more than you think."  
  
"Oh, yeah? You know what, though? I don't give a fuck!" I said. "So, just stay the hell away from me."  
  
"Look, you may want to clean up your act, or you'll have kitchen duty for a week. I may not care now, but Peter'll care when you get signed in," he replied in a nearly absent tone.  
  
"Whatever," I said. That's when I got out. I looked around. So this was Horizon, huh? This is amazing, how am I supposed to survive here? Ah, shit, this isn't going to be any fun at all! Here goes nothing. At least I'm away from all that crap that was making me lose grip of life. 


	6. Sanctuary

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, so don't even bother suing, it won't do any good!  
  
Author's Note: Hey guys, sorry it's been a while. I'd like to thank all my reviewers, for this story and for the other one. My exams'll be coming up soon. So if another chapter isn't posted soon, don't fret, it will be eventually. It's just that I write this fic (the entire thing) in class when I get bored. So I'll have to start listening so that I don't flunk. LOL! I'm just kidding; I'm a good student. Anyways, enough of this babble. Hope you like it and if you do, please review. I love to hear what y'all think!  
  
"You're Shelby Merrick, right?" a man asked me.  
  
"Yeah, that's me. And you are?" I asked back.  
  
"I'm Peter Scarbrow," he replied.  
  
I just shrugged my shoulders. "Whatever."  
  
"Alright, well, I'll go let Hannah know about her new admit," Roger said, jogging off.  
  
"Alrighty, Shelby, you'll be coming with me."  
  
"It's not like I have a choice," I replied, my voice back to that stony impassability.  
  
"Exactly. Anyway, you'll be getting checked by the nurse, and then I'll check your stuff and get you a buddy."  
  
"Oh joy, a buddy!" I followed him to the admin building, in which there was an empty room with my name on it.  
  
The nurse came up to us. She was a middle-aged woman, who was, to say the least, not the prettiest person I ever saw.  
  
"Cathy, bring her over to my office when she's done."  
  
The woman nodded her agreement.  
  
"Oh, by the way, this is Shelby Merrick," Peter added before he headed to his office.  
  
"Alrighty," she said handing me a gown.  
  
"You want me to wear... this?" I asked, totally disgusted.  
  
"Yes," she answered shortly, as if it were the most obvious thing ever.  
  
"Well, I won't." if I did she'd see my bruises and scratches that had not yet healed.  
  
"Why not? Of course, I can't make you, but I do need to conduct several vital testes."  
  
"Such as?" I asked, a disgusted look in my eyes.  
  
"Um... blood test, urine sample, throat swab, blood pressure, and a pregnancy test," she listed, reading off a checklist.  
  
"None of those require a gown," I pointed out.  
  
"Well, normally there are other tests, such as looking for physical and sexual abuse, but since you won't allow it, there's nothing I can do," she explained.  
  
She went through with all her tests. I didn't make a big deal of it as the only sleep I'd gotten in a few days was about two hours on the plane over and I was exhausted. Even at that, I hadn't slept well, he haunted me even in my dreams. He was always there, in my head, following me everywhere. I was burnt out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I didn't have any physical strength as I was nearly suffering from clinical exhaustion; no more mental strength as I was trying to block him out; and no more emotional strength as I was trying to hide it all.  
  
Finally I was out of there with no positive results. In other words, clean blood test, clean urine sample (what an oxymoron), no diseases, average blood pressure, and I was child-free. I breathed a sigh of relief at these results. With my history, I didn't expect those tests would go well.  
  
Cathy led me to Peter's office. It was a nice office. It had an intimate feel to it. I actually felt comfortable there, but I wasn't going to let on to that.  
  
"Here I am!" I said, slapping on a fake smile which quickly faded to reveal a stone-cold countenance.  
  
"Yes, Shelby. Please hand over your bag," he said, giving me a short-lived smirk. I handed it over it over.  
  
"Why do you want it anyway? I don't have a bomb," I added dryly.  
  
"I don't suspect you do. For one thing, it's regulations. For a second, it's to keep you safe. At Horizon, your mind and body are safe. It's a sanctuary. It's a place to get you away from all that crap out there that landed you here. To keep it this way, we have some rules," he said. This speech was given while he searched my bag for drugs and weapons and such.  
  
"And these rules would be..."  
  
"Oh, uh... no sex, no violence, no inappropriate touching." When he saw my face, he continued. "No kissing, no hugging, no groping, need I go on?"  
  
"Uh, that's alright," I replied. "Anything more?"  
  
"Yeah, lights out at 10 o'clock. Meals are served at 7, noon, and 6. At any other time, you have to make it yourself. You are expected to help out with the kitchen chores and to keep your dorm and bathroom clean. If any of these rules are broken, you will suffer consequences."  
  
"Fine by me. Can I go now?" I asked, exasperated, and in deep need of sleep.  
  
"Only when your first-week buddy arrives."  
  
"You're actually serious?" I asked, a smirk on my face.  
  
"Yeah, and here she is," he said as a tall brunette bounced into the room. I sat back with a mock-horror look on my face.  
  
"Hey Peter!" she squealed.  
  
"Hi. Juliette, this is Shelby Merrick. Shelby, this is Juliette Waybourne," Peter introduced.  
  
"Nice to meet you," she said, sticking her hand out for a shake. I just turned to Peter.  
  
"Oh, wonderful! I get to spend quality time with a practically non-existent, bouncing around, high-on life person! Gee, thanks, but don't expect me to return the favour," I spat out sarcastically.  
  
Juliette looked at Peter with a pleading look on her face. He just gave her a confident one.  
  
"Shelby, I'll let it slide this time, but any such comment in the future, will land you on wood-chopping duty. Alrighty, Jules, show her around and then bring her back to the dorms. Here's your journal," he said handing me a notebook. "I expect you to write in it everyday. You'll be on newbie restriction for three days, which basically means sticking to the dorms and lodge, unless it's feeding time. She should be in there in twenty minutes, Jules. Then round up the Cliffhangers, we're gonna have group in half an hour," he finally finished. Juliette nodded. She went to reach for my bag, to carry it for me, but I got to it first.  
  
"Wouldn't want Princess to break herself," I said dryly, walking by her.  
  
"Stick to it, she'll come around. She's just had a rough time," Peter said to Jules. She nodded, put on another smile, and followed me out.  
  
You have no idea! I thought to myself. It felt weird to be in a new place. But here, he wasn't around. Here, there was no one to harm me. I was untouchable. I was safe physically, and they'd never find out my secret, so I was safe emotionally. They'd never be able to touch my soul, my heart. It was hidden behind countless walls.  
  
However weird it felt, I knew I would never be running from this place. As much as I hated to admit it to myself, and although I'd never admit to anyone else, this place was indeed a sanctuary, and I wouldn't be leaving it for the hate that waited to attack me in the world outside it's safe forests. 


	7. Alone, Needing Someone

Disclaimer: I don't own Higher Ground or any of it's characters. I only own this "format," if you will... as I made it up, spur of the moment, but I'm sure someone's done it before me, so meh. *Shrugs* Just let me continue writing with no court cases!!!  
  
Author's Note: Alright, all you Emma Morgan fans! JUST KIDDING!!! LOL, I'M TOTALLY HYPER!!! Anyways, if you want me to continue this story through the normal episodes, let me know. I'm warning you now, if I do that, you'll have to be patient, cause I'll have to actually see the episodes before I can write the fic. If not, I have the one for the end of "Because I Love You" written out, which would be the end of this fic. So let me know, which you want. If I get no requests to continue, I'm just putting up the BILY one.  
  
I plopped down on my bunk in the girls' dorm. I was so exhausted. I had such an urge to cry. I'd just lost my best friend and it was finally hitting me. I'd been brought "home" to all that pain and deceit. On top of that, Walt had gotten me once more. I thought I was strong now. Guess I was wrong. I felt so dirty, I couldn't even touch my own skin! I would never be clean again! He made me this way. And then I left. I still had the pain, but the danger was gone. Then again, the second I returned that amount of pain that had been gathering and hanging over my head came crashing down at an alarming pace. I not only had been holding pain, I'd been accumulating some. I still can't believe it! I can't come to the belief that he even touched me again while the social worker was in the house, on top of it. He touched me. He kissed me. In one year, he had broken every single rule that ought to keep him from me. Why? Why me?  
  
I was grateful that Juliette was gone. She was driving me nuts, but now she had gone after the other Cliffhangers (that's the name of my group now) and they were grouping. I found out that's when they basically bear their souls to the other dysfunctional teens they're stuck with.  
  
I was now alone. Alone with my stupid journal, and my stupid thought. Why did this all happen to me? At least he wasn't laying a finger on Jess. He promised me that if I didn't tell, he wouldn't touch her. I had to trust him, it was all the safety I had. It was the only assurance I could buy.  
  
No one would ever love me. This idea had been hanging around at the back of my head for quite some time, but had never popped into my mind, like this just had. Once guys would know my history, they'd run the other way. Most guys wouldn't even give ma a chance. I thought it was a curse of some kind. That everyone saw me for who I was, although they would never know anything. They could never so much as fathom what happened to me, in my short 16 years of life. In those few years since Walt had come to live with us, I'd been to hell and back. I'd done that terrible rollercoaster ride all alone, over and over again, until I couldn't take it anymore. That's when I ran. That's when I left for the streets. For two whole weeks, I begged by day and lived under the Santa Monica pier at night. Two whole weeks. Fourteen agonizing days and nights. That last day, I met Patty, and everything changed. She explained the prostitution lifestyle. She explained the tricks of the trade. We both desperately wanted some food. We both wanted some sleep. Scratch that. We both needed sleep and a lot of it. An old friend of mine, Emma, once told me that if you didn't sleep for ten days, you'd die. Well, I made sure I slept, but only a few hours per night. I was, in actuality, a walking zombie. I could hardly stand straight when Patty found me. I was hungry to the point of physical hurt. My clothes were ripped and dirty. My hair was a mop of blond hair that looked as though it had, at one point, been beautiful sleek hair. Patty found me and we became great friends. I needed someone. I had no choice but to trust her.  
  
What happened after that is history. A history I wish to forget. I knew I couldn't. I still know I can't. I knew that the nightmares would haunt me for the rest of my life. I desperately needed someone to share this pain with. But who? Who would listen? Who would care? Who would UNDERSTAND?  
  
No one, that's who! No one! Peter wanted to help, but he'd never understand. And the only other person I knew at Horizon was Juliette. Princess? Helping me? I laugh at the thought! Maybe I was more screwed up than I thought. No one would understand. No guy would love me, because they wouldn't understand me. I would remain alone... forever! (Or so I thought...)  
  
At this point, I burst out crying. Thank god no one was there. Thank god no one would see me, when my shield was down, when I was alone. Because if they did see me, they'd hate me. I'd never let them in. NEVER! 


	8. Scott Free

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters. Nor do I own any of the story lines... come to think of it, except for it being Shel's POV, it's completely uncreative! LOL  
  
Author's Note: I finally saw "Scott Free," and I have "Babe in Arms" taped, so the two next chapters should come quickly. I don't know how much time it'll take for both to be up, cause I have exams coming up, so y'all gotta be patient... here goes nothing. Oh, the dialogue is exactly the same as the show. The bits in between are Shelby's thoughts.  
  
For the last month and a half I've been completely bored. This guy, Augusto Ciceros, arrived about a week ago. He's so the homeboy-type. It's actually kind of funny.  
  
Ah, yes, and I met the other Cliffhangers. There's Katherine, Kat as we call her, she's the oldest. Then there's Ezra, Freakin' as I call him. He's this annoying little kid who used to be like the druggist of his school. He's so gonna help me find some shrooms, but that's all. And then there's Princess, who's just more and more annoying and quirky by the minute. We're in a constant battle with each other. I'm always winning. That little rich spoiled brat has no comebacks whatsoever.  
  
So, eight days ago, we left on this quest. It's a stupid hike through the woods. We do a lot of that shit around here. I love it. The longer we're out here, the longer I can keep faking it, and the longer I don't have to "talk" about my problems. That's the last thing I'd want to do.  
  
The others all opened up real easily. I could never do that. Juliette had a perfectionist mother who forced Juliette to be thin and perfect. Princess began cutting to take away the pain, and barfed to take away the food. Whatever... she could've easily ignored her mother. It's not like I could ignore Walt...  
  
Ezra's parents adopted him to save their marriage. So that sucks, at least they never laid a hand on him.  
  
Kat... I'm not too sure what her problem is... but she seems to be well adjusted. She should be, this is her last year here. Whatever it was, I guess it wasn't that bad. I'm never gonna get over my hump... my incapacity to trust.  
  
And Augusto, well, he's just the homeboy who got into trouble in his hood. It isn't that bad.  
  
Yeah, so now, Hannah (my counselor) and Jeff (another counselor) took us on this hike. We're nearly done... on our way back now. I can't wait to get back. Clean myself... or at least, clean what I can. I'll clean the dirt everyone can see, but I'll never get the dirt I can see every time I look at my reflection. It's horrible: to look at yourself and hate what you see. I need someone. Someone to tell me I'll be okay. Someone to love me for me. Someone to trust! I guess I'll never get that.  
  
So here we are, paddling along, splashing each other. Ah, no! We have to get out! I hate it when Hannah ruins our fun! I mean, it's the only time we forget about where we are, and why we're there. Why can't they just let kids be kids sometime, huh?  
  
Stupid Juliette, so slow. I'm stuck with her in the canoe. Why us? I think Hannah has something against us! "Come on, Princess!" And here's the glare. Oh, I'm so scared! As if that pathetic look would scare me. Ha! I laugh at that thought!  
  
As if! Okay, so Auggie just said that this was his second time on a river. Give me a break! I may not look it, but I'm not stupid! "Please, the closest you ever came to a river was when the sewer backed up in your hood," I tell him as he passed me. I don't care what he thinks of me. Anyways, it's all going according to plan. If I'm mean to them, they won't push to know me and I won't have to tell me. It's a wonderful plan, except...  
  
And there goes Juliette, with her little tale of the Snake River. How sad. Oh well, at least her stepfather took her boating. Mine only did unspeakable things to me. And I wasn't strong enough to stop him! Wow, I wasn't wrong about Ezra! He's so stupid. He thought she was boating on a snake, as in the animal! What a dumbass.... Well, I set him straight.  
  
"Shelby you're out of dress code." What do I care? Man, Hannah, just stay out of my life!  
  
"I'm hot," I answer back.  
  
"You can say that again," came Auggie's comment. What does he think he's doing? I don't want him coming onto me! What am I going to get from him? Nothing! That's what!  
  
Alright, so while I was spacing off there, I nearly landed shuns. Whatever, a shirt is better than a week of not talking, any time! On goes the shirt. I'm really not that hot, but hey! That's what I learned on the streets. My mom always said it's hard to relearn something you know so well. Well, at least she was right... once.  
  
And we're off on the trail home. Ah, why can't Queenie just shut up? She's driving me insane with her incessant complaints! I just want peace of mind. Is that too much to ask? Then again, in my life, everything has been too much to ask. Why did this all have to happen to me? Well, at least it's better that it's me and not Jess. Had he touched Jess, I don't know what I would have done. I probably would've stayed. End up dying or something. Dying... suicide never really popped into my mind. That's a good thing, as it would have been so easy, so many times!  
  
Back to reality! Alright, so what I've been tuning out of, I think has been Queenie going on about how she can't wait to get back to be able to have a shower and toilet paper. Is she kidding me? I can just imagine her trying to live on the street.  
  
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I was getting kind of used to those oak leaves. Now, they wouldn't have been my first choice, but they have that kind of unique feel, didn't you find?" as if Ezra just said that. What exactly is wrong with that kid? He's some kind of weird.  
  
"I don't know what you have, Freakin, but I bet it's hard to pronounce," is all I have to say.  
  
"Bad step!" Juliette is saying. Oh fun, we have to do some jumping. "Why do you always have to be so mean?"  
  
"Bad step!" Hannah yells back. Every time we find something hard to walk over, we have to yell it out to let people behind us know. "Heads up you guys." Yeah, whatever, I can look out for myself, thanks.  
  
"Bad step." That was Katherine.  
  
"Uh, she wasn't being mean, she was just... Bad step!" Ezra's saying.  
  
"Bad step!" My turn. And I got something to say to his little defense. "Hey, no one asked you to stick up for me, so just butt out." He just turned around to look at me with an inquisitive look. Yeah, despite how it may seem, I actually do notice things! Ugh! I don't care. That kid annoys me. The only reason he isn't running for cover is he's the only one who knows how to find shrooms.  
  
"Hey, bad step," Auggie said, cutting Jeff off. Ah ha! Jeff is so dumb. He tries to be cool, but he's as far as ya get! It's almost not even funny... almost.  
  
"What?" and down goes Jeff. Sigh, now we have to stop. Stupid Jeff just fell over the log. I bet he broke something. Oh well, this is good news! As Jeff is down, all the others are going to be packing around him, so I can go shopping... for shrooms that is. Yum yum! Can't wait to get totally wasted on those. Man, do I ever need a break from their "emotional confrontations." I would've run by now, but I'm so drained. And I never ever want to return to my old lifestyle! Back to the group before they notice I'm gone.  
  
"We're going to have to carry him." Did Hannah just say that? No way!  
  
"Carry him? Four miles?" Juliette whines. Normally there'd be an equally sarcastic remark coming from me, but...  
  
"For once Queenie's right. Just leave him here. When we get back, we'll have staff come get him," I say. This is all very boring to me, but the prospect of having to carry Jeff, whom I don't even like, isn't a pretty one.  
  
"Is that what you would want, Shelby?" Hannah asks. Do I look like I care? Or even, like I'm joking? "If you had a broken leg?" I knew that thing was broken! Didn't I?  
  
"Hey, we can go get a canoe and then, uh, we'll carry him in it?" Ezra suggests.  
  
"For four miles?" I ask. Does this kid even think? "I don't think so, Freakin."  
  
"You know, your adolescent name-calling is getting real old, real fast." I don't care, Freakin. Just get out of my face and I'll be happy!  
  
"Hey, one of those hammock things. You know, we get a sleeping bag, and we stick a couple sticks through it," came the glorious reply from Auggie... notice the sarcasm.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Juliette asks.  
  
"A sling," says Hannah. Well, thank you Captain Obvious! As if Princess couldn't figure that out on her own!  
  
So now, here we are, carrying Jeff, on a sleeping bag with sticks through it. Fun, fun! I still don't see why we couldn't leave him there. I don't even like Jeff! On top of this, I have to pretend not to hear Auggie and Ezra debate whether or not I like Ezra. Did I not make it clear?  
  
"This sucks. How much further do we have to go?" I ask, cutting the guys' dumb babble off.  
  
"Not much further, we're almost there," Hannah says.  
  
"Where ever 'there' is," Jules whines. Why can't she just shut up? "I hope I can make it that far."   
  
"Then maybe Mommy should send a limo for you, Queenie." She so deserved that!  
  
"Shut up, Shelby."  
  
"You shut up."  
  
"Hey!" here comes Hannah, to Juliette's rescue. "You two have a problem with each other, we'll work it out in group." Yay, fun, group! "Okay, guys, listen up. We take a ten minute break here, then it's a nice crawl to the finish." Ah, crawl, I can take that. "You're all doing great, I'm really proud of you." Why thanks, Hannah, but honestly I don't need you to cheer me on.  
  
"But it's right across the bridge," Ezra says. I look over. He's right. Hey! First time ever. Had to happen at one point. "You can practically see the campus through those trees over there. I say we keep going."  
  
"Yeah, let's just do it. Get it over with," I agree, for once.  
  
But apparently Hannah doesn't. "We'll rest. We still have another half-mile up stream so we can climb down and towards the river."  
  
"You're kidding right?" I ask. Saying what everyone here is thinking. "It's right across the bridge."  
  
"This bridge is condemned, Shelby. It's not safe. They just haven't torn it down yet. No, we stick to the trail." Ah no! This is so not happening. I can actually see the building from here! "Help yourselves out guys, take a rest."  
  
Why? Why? Why? "This really sucks! If it's so dangerous, why don't they tear it down?"  
  
"Hannah doesn't want us to use it because she wants us to get the whole outdoor quest experience." Thanks, Ezra, but your input is, amazingly enough, not welcome! Just shut up! "There's nothing wrong with it." There actually is though. I can see it's falling apart. Why the comments? My front! "I bet it's perfectly safe." You go on and think that then.  
  
"I'm not going to be the one to find out," cause I know it isn't.  
  
"You a wuss?" Did he just call me that? You brain-dead?  
  
"Right, and you're not?" okay, I may have been able to come up with a better one, but I'm actually getting a little scared of that bridge.  
  
"You-you're kidding, right?" Do I look it? And off he goes. He's gonna try the bridge.  
  
"Ezra, don't be a complete moron," Juliette says.   
  
"Please, he's not smart enough to be a complete moron," I say. And one more for Shelby, zero for Juliette.  
  
"Ezra get off the bridge," Kat says.  
  
"See it's safe," he says. Yeah, safe... ha, ha! I hope he falls, it'll teach him a lesson! "Come on."  
  
"Ezra, what are you doing?" Hannah asks, now into his little display. "Get back here."  
  
"Why?" he asks. Uh, let's see, cause you could plunge like fifty feet to your death, that's why! "It's safe. I told ya, you were just scaring us. Come on, Hannah, let's cross here." Nah, not me! You go on, I'll take the longer way. At least I'll be away from all of them for a while. Let myself cry again. I'm holding too much in! I'm going to burst!  
  
"Now, stop fooling around, and get back here, now!" Hannah says. Well, you may want to say it with just a tad more emotion for him to get it through his thick brain.  
  
"Come on, EZ, don't be stupid. Get off it, man." Nice one there, homeboy. You really showed him!  
  
"You know, you're all just a big bunch a wusses." At least we're smart wusses! Even though I hate that word!  
  
"Ezra! Do what I tell you, now." Yes Hannah! You're really getting through to him now. Oh look, he's coming back... NOT!  
  
"Come on guys, don't be afra-" and down he goes. How did I see that coming? Pardon me while I laugh. Holy shit! That things far up. Well, serves him right. That was so dumb! I mean, that bridge didn't look safe, everyone could tell. Why did he feel he needed to prove that?  
  
"Stay here and keep him spotted," Hannah just said. Sure whatever. Wait, where's Kat going? Okay, so apparently she doesn't listen either. Well, I'm not going to start risking my life for these people. I hardly know them. Even though I've been here like seven and a half weeks, I haven't learned a thing about them. My plan, it, uh, it's working a little too well. They may not know me, but I don't have anyone to talk to. I need to get this weight off my shoulders. It's crushing me. I'm sinking under its weight and it's taking more and more strength-strength I don't have-to stay standing.  
  
Ezra's going down the river. Oh my gosh, this is actually kind of scary! We can't see him any more! He's out of reach of Hannah! He's going to die! He can't die!  
  
Kat like just saved him, but now she's freaking out. What's wrong with her? Is she okay? That was amazing! As much as I hate Ezra, I wouldn't want him to die. I'm not heartless, I just make myself out to be that way. Anyway, no one deserves death.  
  
Well, I must say, that final crawl to the finish line was much easier than I thought. At least we're back now. I can't wait to have a shower! I feel so gross, like there's dirt everywhere... oh wait! There is!  
  
"That looks interesting," I say aloud, more to myself than anyone else. I just saw the cutest guy! Oh my god, I hope he's in my group! He's so mine! Ah!!! Finally, we get a cutie at Horizon. "Wonder who he is."  
  
"I'll let you know," Juliette says. She's heard my talking. As if she'll get him first! What a joke.  
  
"Yeah, right. Next life, maybe."  
  
"We'll see. It's always 'class' over 'crass,' honey." Don't you "honey" me, girl! And don't try and diss me, it's so pathetic.  
  
"Whatever." I don't have the energy to start a petty fight with Queenie now. It's too draining. My mind is on other things.  
  
"Well, that's sure something to write home about," she says.  
  
"Sure, if you have a home to write home to." And it's so true. I wish I did, but no one wants a letter from me. Jess, she may miss me, but I don't want to bother her with my extensive dysfunctional life. And I just have to walk away from her, and another stupid comment goes down. Off to the showers with me! I can't wait.  
  
Well, the dorms are just as I remembered. Ah, my bunk. My lonely, lonely bunk. It seems so alone, nearly apart from the others... just like how I feel. Bag off. Wow, that's a load off my shoulders. I real big load off. I dunno, that feels real good. Okay, clothes... got it. Man, beating Princess to the showers, nice!  
  
Well, here I am... all alone, once more. Might as well make it quick. I don't want to have to think too much about my past. That's what happens when you're alone. Oh yeah, and lunch is on its way!  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Done my shower, and in line for food. I'm so hungry; we didn't get any real food on that trip. Whatever they tried to make us eat was disgusting. Oh man! That hottie is sitting at one of the tables. I am so going to get there before Princess... oh no! She's in front. Well, gotta pull the cheap moves sometime. And wham!  
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't see you there," I say, trying to make it sound just the slightest bit convincing. She just glares, but hey! Looks don't kill, honey! Some people start clapping. I really don't care, though. Super hottie's mine! Seat beside him? Mine too! "Mind if I sit here?" He just looks away. Okay then... "Guess you're new here, huh?" Come on, give me something!  
  
"What do you think?" Man, what a sexy voice! But kind of mean.  
  
"Hey, chill! How am I supposed to know? I've been out for the past ten days, busting my hump in the woods on one of our stupid quests. For all I know, you could've come in last week," I point out.  
  
"This morning." Ouch, that's tough.  
  
"They assign you a group yet?" I ask, changing the subject.  
  
"Cliffhangers." Score, score!!! Oh my gosh! Amazing hot guy's in my group! What luck? "Cute, huh?"  
  
"Cool, that's my group." Did I sound too excited? "Hannah's not so bad. I mean she's like cooler than some of the others. So, what'd they bust you for?" I ask. Seemingly innocent question, right? Apparently, not with him. Icy stare. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but this guy's got something about him. Okay, then, another question. "Did they, uh, find your stash?" He looks like he's about to tell me, but... no. "What? I'm not going to narc you. We all try."  
  
"Yeah, they got it." Well, at least he's talking again. "So does anyone around here have anything to smoke, huh?"  
  
"Nuh-uh. They catch you smoking anything and they kick your butt right out of here."  
  
"What's so bad about that?" he asks, looking at me with a defiant gaze. Well, uh, I want you to stay! I don't want to say anything, so a laugh always works.  
  
"I, um, found some shrooms in the woods. This guy, Ezra, knows how to dry 'em. You up for it?" Say yes! Please say yes!  
  
"Uh, sure, if I'm around. Later, huh?" What? Where are you going? Come back! Ah man! I lost him. Oh well, back to din-what is this stuff anyway? Oh, off goes Roger after him. Wonder if he tried to run? Man, whoever that was, he was beautiful!  
  
Okay, dinner. This looks a little like a salad. This may be chicken, but I'm not too sure. Taste? Man, what is this? It feels really chewy... a little too chewy. That's not good! Ew! That can't be good! Okay, some tomatoes to wash it all down. Wait! That wasn't a tomato! Ah! Man! I can't believe I put in my mouth! Never eat what you find on the ground... well, my plate from Horizon is just as good as the ground. That's not a pleasant thought.  
  
Wonder what was wrong with that guy. Maybe he's like me. Maybe he was molested. Who knows? I hope not. I don't wish anyone that fate, not even my worst enemy. Hope I get to know him. Hope he's different. Hope? What hope? Hope's never gotten me anywhere! 


	9. Babe in Arms

Disclaimer: As I've already cleared up, this story, these characters, this entire setting even is not mine. I will remain faithful to what has happened in the TV series.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, you guys are lucky. For a while now, I've been totally slacking on review for my exams. I'm going to do fine, but I will get this fic done when I'm not studying. The other one is also a work in progress... it's nearly finished (the chapter not the fic) so hang in there with me!  
  
Again, I'm totally unoriginal when it comes to what basically happens. All I do is fill in what's in Shelby's mind, and what happens when she's not on screen.  
  
So, we're now two days after that trek through the woods. Not very much has happened since then. Ezra and Kat are out of the infirmary; neither was sick for long. Ezra was a little chilly, but he's over it. Hannah gave him weeding chores for the bridge incident. The rest of us have biology homework, which is ultimately boring. Oh, and I found out that hottie's name is Scott. What a perfect name! I'm sure one day he'll be mine. I just know it. It's like destiny or something.  
  
For now, I've been pondering the idea of my mushrooms. I hope I can get high off them. I need a way to escape the horrible reality that is my life.  
  
"Hey, Ezra," I start as I go to interrupt his chores with my need to get high. "Um, I need a read on these mushrooms. Do they have any hallucinatory promise?" I ask hopefully. Come on! Please say yes!  
  
"Not unless death is a hallucination." What? Death? No! That's not right! "These are autumn skull cap. You eat one, you turn green; you eat two, you turn black." Ew, happy thought indeed. That sucks! Damn it! When'll I be able to get into the woods again? "What you need are some of the glaniacybe species AKA magic mushrooms. Around here you could probably get some of the maricystis species." The what of the what now? Wow, that was confusing! "Pointy tops. But these ain't that." Well, at least I didn't eat them before I asked. Sigh!  
  
"Well, then, I guess I'm glad that I talked to my druggist," I say, patting him on the back. "You missed one." I drop my mushrooms on the ground and get up to leave. At least I'm alive.  
  
I sit down at the table and Auggie shows us all what looks a lot like graffiti.  
  
"Look," he says, apparently proud.  
  
"Cool," Juliette says, looking up from her textbook.  
  
"What is it?" Kat asks, doing the same.  
  
"It is what it is. What it wants to be," Auggie explains.  
  
"What it isn't is biology homework," I reply, putting an end to his showing off. Unfortunately that gave rise to Juliette talking.  
  
"Mitosis. Please tell me my life will never be reduced to mitosis. Is that all we are, a glump of splitting cells?" she asks. I would reply, but Scott just came out of his dorm. Oh my! How to concentrate on bio when he's around? Answer: not possible.  
  
"Speaking of cellular activity," I say, seeing Scott come over.  
  
"Um, I'm supposed to go to Markaisian's office," he says in an "I don't care" voice. Aw! He's so perfect! What is wrong with me? I don't feel this way about guys!  
  
"Administration building," Kat offers.  
  
"I can show you," Queenie says. Wow, talk about subtle! Oh my gosh!  
  
"I'll get there," he replies nonchalantly. Oh! Burn!  
  
"Frank's office. This can only mean one thing," I butt in. "Consequences. You're about to be rewarded for running off." Oh yeah, we all found out about that. It wasn't too hard since Scott wasn't in a great mood and we had our first group with him, which was all about how running away.  
  
"It won't be too bad," Kat said. "Ezra only got weeds for falling off a bridge."  
  
"That was Hannah, not Frank," Princess points out.  
  
"And you were a runner, Ezra was just a faller," I say, giving him my beautiful smile.  
  
"It's gonna be nasty. Frank can be really keen on his consequences," Auggie said.  
  
"Can? Always. We call it 'Let's be Frank about it,'" I say.  
  
"I'll handle it. Thanks," he says, turning and leaving.  
  
"I bet you could handle a lot of things," I say more to myself, than to anyone else. It was said with such a huge smile on my face. I laugh at my obvious giddiness.  
  
"He doesn't like you," Juliette says.  
  
"The day is young," I reply. He will be mine one day! I know it.  
  
After that, Kat just looked at us and rolled her eyes. "Guys, just do the homework."  
  
A little while of homework and I get bored, so I look back up, and... "Betcha can't wait till he breaks a sweat, huh?" I ask, seeing Scott run towards us. Apparently he's running errands for Frank.  
  
"Looks like the new meat's getting his first Horizon lesson," Auggie says, noticing what I'm staring at. "Run, muchacho, run!" he yells out, as Scott runs and jumps over a crouching Ezra.  
  
At this moment, Peter rolls up on his motorcycle with some woman I don't recognize on the bike. I raise my eyebrows and smile and the sight of Peter with a woman.  
  
"My, my, Peter's got himself a motorcycle mama," I point out to the rest of the group seated at the picnic table with me. We all look on and smile. Finally, Kat turns around and gives us a small reproachful look.  
  
"Guys, we've got like five minutes till the ropes course, so finish up and we'll put the stuff in the dorms before leaving," she says.  
  
"Whatever, I'm done," Juliette says.  
  
"Me too," I agree.  
  
"Alright, let's just get down there," Auggie says.  
  
"Well, let's go, I want to get rid of this homework," I say.  
  
What happened while we got to the rope course was very boring. Juliette, Ezra, Kat, and Auggie talked about the bio test we were getting the next class. I was just ignoring them, thinking about my life, and of course, about Scott. For some reason, I just can't get him out of my head. He's so much better than any guy I've known is. I doubt I'm ever going to totally let him go.  
  
Well, here we are at the course. I hate this. Heights and me don't get along. Oh, Scott just got here! Nice.  
  
"Mr. Markaisian told me to report to you," he tells Peter.  
  
"He told you to run?" Peter asks, him and Auggie smiling. "Alright, go put this on. Jules, help him out," he finished, giving Scott a harness and Juliette a questioning look. She just smiled. Why didn't he ask me? I'm good at that stuff!  
  
"Alright, everybody, I want you to the top, and back down again. Okay? Shelby?" Oh, no, what did he say?  
  
"I heard you," I said, guessing at the pep talk we just got. Whatever, I'm not doing that anyway.  
  
"Alright, nothing to be afraid of, just pace yourself. Who's going to be first?" Shit, he saw through that. Well, whatever, I just have to start hiding behind more walls. My defenses are getting weaker, and I don't know why.  
  
"That's me," Auggie says. Here he goes, showing off.  
  
"Aug, step up."  
  
"Show the newbie how it's done, huh?"  
  
"You do that, muchacho," Scott answered back, challengingly. What is it about that guy that's got me so crazy?  
  
"Okay, Aug, go for it," Peter encouraged. As Auggie climbed, which was really fast, everyone cheered him on. Everyone except me. I just remain silent. If I'm silent and keep a blank stare, no one will know what's in my mind. It's my only defense. My only way of staying alone in my messed up life. I don't want to be dragged around in a world of questions and probing. I just want to be left alone.  
  
"Yeah," Auggie says, finishing the course.  
  
"Alright, who's next?" Peter asks. "Scott?" Score! Scott's turn! There he goes. Oh my gosh! Princess is smiling like a maniac. This is too funny. I can't hold in the laughter at her insane giddiness. Man, this is Scott's first time and he's so good. "Good job."  
  
"Not bad, meat," Auggie says as Scott takes off his helmet. They both start sizing each other up. The woman who's with Peter sees this.  
  
"Alpha males," she tells Peter. They both smile. I don't like her too much. She's too much like Juliette: too happy.  
  
"Okay guys, good job," Peter cuts into what has become a huge size-up between Scott and Auggie. "Alright, who's next?" To avoid being picked, I push Ezra forward. He just flies forward. He has no balance and no strength. It was funny. At least it got him to go and not me.  
  
"Ezra. Go!" Peter said, encouraging him. Everyone started cheering.  
  
"You can do it Ezra!" Kat yelled. Then she turned to look at me. "You too," she said softly. It was nice, but I wasn't.  
  
"Hey, I didn't as you to be my cheerleader, okay?" I say. When I see the blonde with Peter turn around to look at me, I get up and leave. I've had enough of this shit. I'm not going to do it. Why give them all false hope that I've grown emotionally or something?  
  
All I hear is Peter yell out "Shelby!" and that's it. I just start running. "Shelby!" he yelled again. Get away! Get away! Get away! No, I can't run! I've run from anything and everything in my life. I'm not running this time. Horizon is all I have. And as much as I hate to admit it, I like it here. But they'll find out! They'll find out and they'll call CPS! And they won't believe me! I'll be sent home to... him! To the monster, the horror, the nightmare! I can't! Just keep running! Keep running!  
  
"Hey, Shelby! Wait up!" I hear that woman yell. Oh no! What does she want? "Shelby!"  
  
"What?" I ask rudely. Maybe she'll get the message. I don't want to talk!  
  
"You got an old soul." A... what?  
  
"Wow, aren't you groovy?" I ask sarcastically.  
  
"A hard shell too: always a good feature in a woman." What's up with her? Why won't she give up?  
  
"Do you work here, or are you just giving yourself for free?"  
  
"I'm just visitor," she says calmly. Ahah! My chance has come!  
  
"From what planet?" I ask, and walk off, leaving her behind. Finally! I'm free!  
  
I just run back to campus. Alright, what do I want to do? I want to bury into a hole, and die. But that's not going to happen. I'm a fighter! I'm going to win this. I'm going to conquer this. The thing is though... how?  
  
I'm too scared. I'm scared of being exposed. I'm scared of him. I'm scared to fall asleep at night. I'm scared of any guy touching me! What the hell is wrong with me? It's his fault! He made me this way, and now I have to live! I have to live with what he did while he just goes about his business? Wow, talk about fairness for you! I'm never going to win over him. I've lost. I've lost this battle a long time ago. The first time I said "no" and he kept going, I lost. The first time! Ever since then, I've won at everything. I'm just so lost all the same. That one loss will haunt me forever. Not cause I lost, but because I lost at that. I lost when I had to be strong. When I needed it, my strength left.  
  
And where was my mother during all of this? She was supposed to protect me! She was supposed to make it all stop! Where was she? I feel so abandoned! That's why I can't trust anyone. I mean, if my own mother couldn't protect me... Oh and here's Peter. I'm sitting on some stairs in front of the admin building. Bushes all around me. I didn't think he'd find me that easy. My head is resting on my crossed arms, which are on my knees. All in all, I'm in a fetal position. I straighten up as he comes closer.  
  
"Got a cigarette?" I ask. Try and lighten the mood. I guess it worked a little. He's probably not the best person to ask though. Nice move, there, Shelby!  
  
"Can't just walk away, Shel." Well that's the only way I know! That's all I've ever learned how to do!  
  
"So I can't scale the heights, we all have our little phobias." Take a hint! I'm not going to talk about it.  
  
"So you're afraid of heights." No, genius, I'm afraid of you! Come on! Think with your head, man! "That's your excuse."  
  
"You tell me. You're the one with the answers, remember?"  
  
"All I know, is that walking away gets you nowhere fast. I want a thousand word essay by tomorrow." What? That's so not fair! What did I do that was so wrong? Whatever might as well get it over with so he'll leave me alone.  
  
"What's the topic?" I ask, smiling.  
  
"Me and my shadow." Oh joy! I can't wait to write this one. I just stare him in the eyes, showing that I'm not afraid of him. It's a blank stare. He won't get anything from it. Suddenly, there's a honking in the background. He turns around, breaks the eye contact and my head sinks back down onto my arms as I see the car pull up. I roll my eyes and then look away. I hear someone approaching.  
  
When her small body stops in front of my face, I look up.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" she asks. She's so cute and innocent, holding her little teddy bear. It's so adorable. She reminds me of me when I was that young and carefree.  
  
"You know anything about shadows?" I ask. It didn't sound too kind, but it was my best at this moment.  
  
"They're dark, hide things: secrets. You have secrets?" she asks sweetly.  
  
"That's my secret," I say with a smile. She smiles back and returns to her mother. My head sinks back onto my arms.  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
Well, now I'm sitting at lunch with Kat and Ezra. I wonder where Queenie is. Actually, scratch that. She's probably barfing her guts up somewhere. And Scott's running around for Frank. Where Auggie is, is beyond me.  
  
"Freakin', um," I start. I ask something about those shrooms. What was he telling me about them? Pointy somethings?  
  
"Freidkin," he replies, aggravated.  
  
"Uh, ya," I dismiss. "Describe to me again those magic shrooms. Points, or?" I look at him all confused.  
  
"Oh, pointy tops. They-they got sorta pointy tops," he explains. Why thank you for that marvelous description there! Wow, that's so precise!  
  
"And, um, you were telling me that they grow around here?" I ask, a conspiratorial air in my voice. This is so much fun!  
  
"Abundantly." Score, score!  
  
"Excellent." I can't wait to find those shrooms. I'll get Scott to get high with me, and we'll have so much fun! Okay, back to this dumbass essay.  
  
"What are you writing?" Kat asks, making conversation.  
  
"Oh, one of Peter's learning tools for not climbing the stupid rope tower again," I explain. Wow, that was oddly nice of me... maybe a little too nice.  
  
"What's it about?" Ezra asks. Wouldn't you like to know?  
  
"Me and my shadow," I sound annoyed. Ahah! This is so much fun! Notice the sarcasm.  
  
"What's it about?" Kat asks this time.  
  
"Me and my shadow," I say, acting dumb. Ah, finally, a sarcastic reply! I was starting to worry for a minute.  
  
"You know what Peter Pan did?" Ezra asks. I don't remember any Peter Pan. What the hell? "He had Wendy sew his shadow back on." He looks so earnest, but what on earth is he talking about?  
  
Kat just starts laughing. I look at him with a "what the hell is wrong with you?" look. I then turn back to my paper and ignore his hurt expression. You're just keeping him at bay, hunny. Yeah, maybe if I tell myself that that'll work enough, I'll actually start to believe it.  
  
Ah, awesome, here's Scott! He's running around like a maniac, but whatever. What's he doing? He's sitting down in front of Juliette! Is he insane? Nah, he just didn't see me. Here I go. I get up, walk over, smile, and look pretty. When I sit down beside him, he gets up, doesn't give me a look, even, and walks off. What the hell? That wasn't right! I wonder what Queenie, here, told him.  
  
"What'd I say?" I ask, totally confused.  
  
"I already told you: he doesn't like you," she chants. Something's very wrong with that girl. Anyways, I might as well give this in to Peter. It's gotta be more than a thousand words. Babbling can only get a girl so far.  
  
So I get up and walk off. No one to notice I'm gone, no one to care. My, that's a fun thought! Walk down the hall, out the door, and off to the admin building we go.  
  
Okay, here I am. I can't believe I didn't see Scott anywhere! What on earth has Frank got him doing? Anyways, knock, knock, knock. "Come in," I hear.  
  
"Here's the paper you wanted," I say, putting the two sheets on his desk.  
  
"Thank you, Shelby."  
  
"Don't mention it," I say dryly and turn to leave.  
  
"Shelby?" I turn around. "Is there anything you want to talk about?"  
  
"No." Wow, that was rather rude. Oh well, whatever. I just leave now and everything will be fine.  
  
Right, so as I'm just headed into the dorms, when I hear Jeff running up behind me.  
  
"Shelby!" he yells out. What now? There's no way on earth that Peter counted all those words in two minutes.  
  
"What?" I ask. After all that, I just want to lay down on my bed and be alone.  
  
"There's a lost little girl in the woods. We're forming a search party. Get your stuff together and meet at the picnic tables in five minutes." Oh joy! Searching... wait a second! Searching... in the woods... this can only mean one thing: SHROOMS! Nice! What luck?  
  
* Ten minutes later *  
  
Well here I am. In the woods. Everyone who'll be searching for the girl is here. There are the Cliffhangers, the Tracker, and the Ridgerunners. There are also Peter, Sophie (Peter's blond friend), Chloe (his ex-wife), Jeff, Curtis (the town sheriff), and Annie (the owner of the only restaurant in town). The little girl is, as I've found out on my way here, Gracie, Annie's daughter. She's the one I'd talked to about shadows.  
  
Anyways, Peter's gonna give us the little pep talk there. Oh, joy! I just adore Peter's speeches.  
  
"Alright everybody, listen up. Scott, Auggie, you're going with me." Damn, go figure I wouldn't be in Scott's group. Just my luck. "Jeff, you take Jules and Shelby." Okay, Peter's obviously got something against me or he wouldn't stick me with Princess. What does he think? That I have his level of patience? "Um, Ezra, Kat, you go with Curtis. The rest of you, fan out." Oh wonderful. Why couldn't I fan out? I'd be able to hook up with Scott. I'd be able to look for shrooms with no interruption. Man! This sucks! "You've all got your gear, your whistles, blow 'em loud if you see anything. Be careful." And off he goes.  
  
"Come on, ladies, let's go," Jeff says. Jules and I just follow him. I look back for one last glance at Scott.  
  
"It's so sad, isn't it?" Juliette asks.  
  
"It's just another lost kid. There are millions of them. What's one more or less?" I ask. It's true, despite how sad and horrible it sounds.  
  
"Wow that's cold," she says. Don't you dare pass judgement on me, Princess. I don't want to hear it, and I don't want it from you!  
  
"Ya? Well at least we're looking for her. That's more than anyone ever did for me." I hate the thought that I was never searched for. Sure the police, but what do they know? My mother never looked for me. I feel so alone and abandoned at that thought.   
  
Oh well, I hope Jeff leaves us alone to search soon, cause I'm in real need of something to get me high and gone! I just want his pictures out of my head and Juliette's words out of my mind.  
  
"Okay guys, fan out," Jeff says. Oh thank god! There he goes, down that way. There goes Juliette over behind that mound. And here I go, to this side, where there are sure to be shrooms under this log.  
  
Right as I start to look I hear someone come close.  
  
"It's you!"  
  
"What?" I ask, turning to look at her. To my surprise, there's Queenie in all her glory, which doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Then it hits me, I sound way too guilty. "Oh, you were preparing your 'Queen of the Rescue' speech?" I ask.  
  
"What are you looking for?" she cuts off. Obviously she thought she'd found Gracie.  
  
"Getting my hands on some natural wonders. Narco shrooms, Freakin told me about," I explain.  
  
"You're going to eat something you found on the ground?" she asks, disgusted. Well, I'm not like you. I'm okay with dirt you know... as long as it can be washed away.  
  
"And I'm going to say 'yum, yum,' when I do." That shut her up!  
  
"She's lost." Oh joy! Here we go again! Why won't she just leave and give everyone a little peace? "That little girl is lost. Think if it was you." Oh, wrong thing to say.  
  
"I was," I say, turning around. Then I realize what I said. I just blurted too much out. Gotta cover! "Now I plan on finding some shrooms and getting good and lost again." Oh, nice save there.  
  
"You're disgusting?" What? She's calling me disgusting? She's the one who got sent here because of puking everything she inhaled!  
  
"Look, Princess, these aren't just for me." Oh, I'm scaring her as I walk towards her. "I plan on sharing these with Scott, who happens to share my fondness for getting wasted."  
  
"He's not going to be with you because of a bribe," she spits out.  
  
"Oh, really?" He told me! I know it, because I got it straight from his mouth!  
  
"What are you two arguing about?" Jeff asks. He just happened to stumble on our little discussion at the very end. Okay... let's see, what were Juliette and I arguing about?  
  
"Flora and fauna identification," I say, shooting him an innocent smile. That has to work; it always does.  
  
"Very good, Shelby, but this isn't the time. Let's fan out." Oh well, back to shopping I go. Juliette looks rather disgruntled. Ha, ha! Sucks to be you! Jeff goes off behind and to my left, Juliette to my right. I just go on straight.  
  
When I can't see them anymore, I look around for an overturned log. Ahah! Found one! Okay let's see.  
  
"I don't believe you." No way! As if she's back already. Juliette, go away!!! "There's a lost little girl out here, and instead of looking for her, you're looking for toad stools." Ah, just shut up and disappear, will you?  
  
"It's not everyday we get out on our own to shop," I say. Maybe if I tell her enough, she'll just leave me alone! She just gives me a look, like she doesn't have a comeback. I roll my eyes at her stupidness, and look back at my log.  
  
"It's a nurse log," Jeff says. Once again, we're all congregated. Why can't I just be left in peace? Why do they always have to interrupt?  
  
"What?" I ask, just a little surprised. I get up, not wanting to seem too obvious.  
  
"A nurse log." Again, what? "Note how it's decomposing, providing a moist, elevated pile of fertilizer on which other plants love to grow." Oh great, we get a science lesson! What fun! I knew there were perks to this trip... I'm being sarcastic! "In some ecological systems, they provide the only place where new plants are able to start!" Oh joy!  
  
"Like, um, mushrooms?" I volunteer.  
  
"That being a perfectly good example." Thank you, thank you very much!  
  
"Well, I gotta go." He looks at me as if to say "What are you talking about? We're in the middle of a forest!" "You know, number one."  
  
"Oh, then I'll leave you." Thank god! "I'll also leave you with a thought. That the mushrooms you've been so diligently searching for are easily misidentified. And, should you find and eat the wrong species, you'll become violently, gut-wrenchingly ill." Ew, Freakin didn't say anything about that! I knew this was bound to happen. Let's see, what else'll happen to me? "You might suffer paralysis, might even die." Juliette's chuckling to herself. Wow, how I'd love to punch her right about now. "Just, uh, food for thought." I smile one of those smile that's a real "thanks for that" smile. Jeff leaves, as does Juliette.  
  
"Guess I'll just get high on life," I say sarcastically. Go figure this would happen! I roll my eyes and keep walking. Ah! I can see the edge of the forest! Ooh! Maybe I'll get some sun! I start walking along the edge of this cliff. I see a rock and sit down.   
  
That's when I hear it. "Help!" I look up. "Mommy!" I can see her. Dangling from what looks like a rock. She's about twenty-five feet up a raggedy cliff with sharp pointy rocks at the bottoms.  
  
I just stare in amazement. "Mommy!" she yells again. "Wouldn't you know it. Had to be me." Of course, that's just my luck! "Stay right there!" I yell up to her again.  
  
"I'm afraid!" she says.  
  
"I know you are!" I yell up again. "God! Hang on! I'll get some help!" Yeah, cause I don't have a clue what to do. This is so typical of me, when the going gets tough; I either get going, or can't do a thing about it! "Jeff! Juliette!" I scream as loud as I can. "Son of a mother," I say to myself to relieve some frustration. Didn't work! You know, they're there when you don't want them around, and they're nowhere in sight when you do. This has got to be a paradox or something! "Jeff! Juliette!" I scream again. Please come! Please answer! Please?  
  
"I'm falling!" she screams.  
  
"Just don't fall. Okay? Just-just don't fall!" What do I do? I have to do something! I can't just let her fall! Okay, I'll have to climb up there and get her. Off comes my pack, and up I go! "Alright." So I walk up to the cliff, climb over the sharp pointy rocks and go. Well, this isn't a hard wall to scale. At least there a good foot holds! Thank god for that! At last one good thing! Well, I don't know if I'd call that good... What was I thinking? I have to climbing gear! I'm going to die! Well, at least I trying! Here she is. I'm level with her.  
  
"Okay. Okay, we're going down," I say. What? Do I really expect her to climb the rock?  
  
"I-I can't!" she says. No, see, you have to! What do you mean you can't?  
  
"Look, I came all the way up here didn't I?" Wow, that was harsh. But that's what you get! Okay, she's a little girl! Give her a chance! "Now don't give me a hard time." At that she jumps into my arms. I grab her and for a second we're both holding onto each other for dear life. She's the only person, since I last saw Jess, who's even come close to hugging me. I feel so relieved. She's so innocent and young. Somehow that's such a comfort to me. To me, who lost my innocence at such a young age. Finally I realize I'm standing on a cliff. Okay, time to go now. "Okay, look, let's not get carried away," I explain. "Okay? Come on," I say, helping her onto my back. She grabs on, koala style. "Hold on tight!" I say, and we start back down the cliff again.   
  
Okay, this again! My climbing skills impress even me! Before I can think about it, I'm down. Wow, that went fast! Thank god! I was actually, really scared! I put her down on a rock, jump down, and hold my arms out to help her out. She jumps into my arms. Again, I feel an overwhelming feeling of relief. I shift her around so that she's resting on my hip. Suddenly I stop, surprised at who I see. "What?"  
  
"You, you're such a fraud," Ezra replies. It's the only thing I know how to do, okay? "It's all an act."  
  
"I want my mommy," Gracie says. I sigh and give her over to Ezra. I just don't have the patience to deal with this any longer.  
  
"Just, take her to her mommy!" I say.  
  
"What? Me?" he asks surprised. Time to put on the image again.  
  
"Just tell them you found her. And if you so much as breathe a word of this to anyone, you'll beg for death," I finish, leaving him behind, astounded. I slow down eventually, leaving him to go in front of me. As I see him arrive at camp, I see Gracie run into Annie's arms. A blank stare settles on my face. Annie just hugs Gracie so tight, so much love. No hate is in that relationship. I want that. That's all I've ever wanted. I just turn around and leave the second Ezra looks over at me. I can't deal with the pain, the loneliness, the hurt! It cuts too deep. I don't know how I'm ever going to get over all this. I wish I were Grace!  
  
********************************************************************************  
  
I'm lying in my bed. Everyone's asleep. I can't sleep. Too many memories. Not only Walt, this time, but pictures of Gracie jumping into Annie's arms flood my mind. I just can't get that out of my mind. Her jumping into my arms. That feeling I got. It'll never leave me, as long as I live!   
  
I can't deal. I need a smoke! I get out of bed and grab a sweater.  
  
I leave the dorm and walk straight for the woodpile, get a cigarette. Then I realize there aren't any matches! Why? Why? Why? Do these things only ever happen to me? "Son of a mother!" I whisper to myself. Go figure there aren't any matches. Then as I look around I notice the bear statue. I put the cigarettes back under a log and turn to face the statue.  
  
Slowly I make my way to it, thoughts of comfort coming over me. The bear cub looks so safe with its mother. I decide I want to be like that too. I climb into the hollow made by the bear's arms. I cuddle up in it. I'm safe here.  
  
I'm also alone. All the tears I've been holding back for so long wash over me. I start to cry. The tears just flow. It feels so good to let them all out. I need that sometime. Some release, some comfort. It's so hard to keep going all the time. But that's my life. It'll get better one day, I know it will, but for now, it's so hard! How am I supposed to go on? How?  
  
Please, someone help! Anyone! 


	10. Our Strongest Link

Disclaimer: As I've already cleared up, this story, these characters, this entire setting even is not mine. I will remain faithful to what has happened in the TV series.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, funny story. If you guys go to any Higher Ground site, most of them will give you a list of the episodes in order, right? Here's the funny bit, most of them have a different order. The TV tome one, which is rather official, has Hope Falls listed after such shows as Seduction and What Remains in which Daisy is. So, I made a judgement call, based on the site All About Higher Ground at http://www.geocities.com/allabouthigherground/allabouthigherground.html. I strongly suggest you all go to it! It's an amazing site!!!  
  
By the way, some of the dialogue isn't very clear, so no flaming garbage for bad transcribing please! lol  
  
The next day, after I had saved that girl from the cliff, I was still hated by all. Normally that wouldn't bug me. What was picking at my conscience was that Ezra, of all people, was taking credit for it. Luckily, things died down a little. I finally gave up on picking shrooms. Hey, I may want to get high, but I'm not going to die for the cause. I mean, I do have to steal Scott from Juliette, after all. He doesn't even like her. Well, maybe he likes the idea of Juliette. You know, the prom queen? The skinny rich kid, call it what you like. He'd like me way more. I'm convinced of that much. At least I'm real!  
  
So, yesterday, as it was Saturday, we were off classes, which was nice. I guess the fact that they let us have weekends prevents a Horizon revolution of something. Either way, it's nice to be able to spend time alone... not in class. I didn't do anything all day. I mainly just sat in the lodge, "reading." I was really just observing people. You'd be surprised by how much I know about all these kids... how little they know about me.  
  
For example: despite the fact that Scott and Juliette are "dating," Auggie is crushing on Jules real bad. I think she's actually starting to like him too. Why won't she just dump Scott and go for Auggie? I'd love that! Leaving Scott open for me... mm, mm good!  
  
Oh ya, Sophie left yesterday. Go figure. I knew she wasn't going to stay long. I mean, who works for free in this world? No one! That's who! It's insane. Why do something you'd normally get paid for and not get paid for it? Makes no sense, if you ask me.  
  
Anyways, I'm now taking my morning shower. Normally, I'm pissing Jules off by taking my time, but she's gone somewhere this morning... so, just me and my thoughts. It's a waste anyway. I mean, I'm not getting clean. I never will. The dirt that's on me, it'll never go away. I'll never get my innocence and my ignorance of the world back. I've been robbed of a childhood, of a life! I've been robbed by the two people who were supposed to protect me. I hope Walt burns in hell! That fucking molester! Oh, that's such a disgusting word. Who am I anyways? What am I? I don't know, and frankly, I don't want to know! I'm tired of this game we call life.  
  
Whatever, enough of this crap. I have to eat and then we apparently have group, which sucks, as it's a Sunday!  
  
"Here you go, Kate. Hot and steamy, just how you like it," I say with a smirk. She walks in, turns on the water. "And here come the screams." Ah! I do so enjoy being evil!  
  
Where's Scott? That's weird, he's missing from the caf. As if, Juliette is missing too. Now that hurts. I mean, the only reason, he's even with her is cause he didn't give me a chance. I hate it when people judge me before they even know me. Even if the are right, I still hate it. Well, here goes another breakfast of ignoring what's being said behind my back... and to my face. I grab my food, and sit down.  
  
"And here come the happy couple," Ezra says as I start picking at my food, trying to figure out what in the hell this tuff is. I look up. I don't even want to see them, why'd I even bother? Every time I see them, every time he's with her, it bugs me so much! No one can understand. I can't even, but for some reason, that cut real deep. Just look back down at your food, Shelby! Just down at your food! I can't! I can't take my eyes off him! What's the matter with me? I hate myself! Enough of this.  
  
I pick up my food, throw out what I didn't eat, which is basically everything, and walk out before they can even sit down. I hate this so much! Why do I have to avoid them?  
  
Anyways, I just walked into the lodge, right? Peter comes up to me. "Uh, can you just sit tight? I'm going to get the others."  
  
"Yes, my captain!" I say with much fake enthusiasm present in my voice. I give a salute and plop down in a chair. Wonderful, group. My favourite time of the day. Spill your guts, kids. Come on, it won't hurt. What do they know? I bet they've never tried it! Well, I know Peter was an alcoholic, but still! It's not that bad.  
  
Oh, well, here's everyone. And here goes group.  
  
"It's called the X-Challenge race," he starts. Oh no! You've gotta be shitting me! As if Peter wants us to compete in that thing! "There'll be kayaking, mountain-biking, and the last leg of the race is a run through the woods with a map and compass." Yay! Compass! I love those things. Notice the sarcasm, once more. Those things tick me off so much. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to read those little things? "It's gonna take you all day." Well, at least one good thing. I mean, yay! No classes! "And you have to finish each leg of the race, together, as a team, before you get a chance to move on." Wait a second. Do I sense some hidden agenda here? Team? Us? Again, you've gotta be shitting me!  
  
"There'll be teams from all over the country, there, but they're not all professionals," Hannah says. Well, thank god! We wouldn't want to be beat. My gosh, does anyone realize how utterly ridiculous this is? "Lawrence Hastings prep also has a team." Oh, I hate that school. I'll enter that thing just to beat them... then again, they're probably much better than us, and I don't want to lose to them.  
  
"They do it cause it looks good on their Harvard applications," Juliette just said. Ye, I'd like to go to Harvard. I'm not now, am I? Thanks again, stupid stepfather!  
  
"We don't have long to train. It'll be a tough road. But you guys can do it." Why thanks, Peter. That just makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. Barf. Oh, wait, that's Juliette's job!  
  
"Come on, guys, it'll be great," Kat says. How about... hmm... no! I just smirk and roll my eyes, as everyone starts putting in their two cents. I think they know where I stand. I'm just here listening to what they're saying. Ezra's going for it. Let's see. Me, stuck with Ezra (who'll be basically dead by the time we finish), Juliette (who'll be whining the whole time), Kat (who'll be cheering us on with fake hope), Auggie (who'll be showing off for Princess... for some unknown reason), and Scott (who'll be displaying his bad attitude once more). Fun!  
  
"We'll need a team captain," Peter says. I volunteer Kate! "Interested?" Good, he's getting her to do it. I don't want to do it, and I sure as hell don't think anyone else can.  
  
"Yes," she says. Go Kat! Yay, attention off the rest of us. "Definitely."  
  
"So, what if we don't wanna do it?" Auggie asks, chipping in for the first time. Aw, homeboy don't want to show off his skills? Well, tough luck!  
  
"So what if we don't wanna do it?" Nice imitation, Peter. Very, youthful, or, should I say, juvenile? "It's up to you. You're in. you're out. You decide." Can I decide no? Cause that's fine with me!  
  
"Two words," Princess says. Let me guess, something along the lines of "No way." Oh, I am a genius! As if I was about to guess that! "I'm so sick and tired of being covered head to toe in mud." Oh, poor Queenie. Can't handle it, can you? I knew it! She's not tough! She can't even act it. And she says she's the best actress around here. She's not even a good liar!  
  
"Ya, she's not Jeep. She's a Jaguar," Auggie butts in. Princess needed a save. I mean, for once, she couldn't crash and burn. Hey, there's a first for everything. My turn for input.  
  
"You know, I hear all the hot jocks lose like ten pounds during the race," I say. Let's see how fast we get Twig's attention.  
  
"Really?" she asks with genuine interest in her voice. Okay, she's what? A size zero? How could she want to be any thinner? She'd like wither away into nothingness... it's disgusting.  
  
"Hey, I ain't going out looking like no fool neither." Nice use of the grammar, homeboy. My god, did he even go to school at all?  
  
"Auggie, you know what those rich guys from Lawrence Hastings think?" Ezra asks. Oh, me! Chose me! That we all suck and are pathetic losers. Oh, wait a second! They're right! "Do you?"  
  
"They say 'that homeboy couldn't ride a mountain bike unless he stole it,'" Kat says. Well, wait that's not fair. I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding. You know, like, he was going to return it. He was just borrowing it. That's not his? Uh oh!  
  
"Then I say we go kick some butt." Oh no! If more and more people come into this thing, I actually have to do this? My comment was just an insult! Ah man! Scott's walking away. Hold on. If Scott's not doing it, I don't want to. Hey, I could stay here, and keep him company. Oh the things that could ensue. "Hey man! One in, all in. That's the way it is around here. Don't walk away from your family." Wrong move. I can predict what's gonna happen.  
  
"You're not my family," he says calmly. Ouch! Now, even though that was aimed at Auggie, that was hitting all of us. I didn't like that one bit. You are our family! We're all you have! Don't you get it? You're stuck here, jocko! He walks off, Juliette running behind him. Yes, Princess, go get him. I'm sure he'll go because you're going. I mean, it's true love. Come on!  
  
"What's with him?" Kat asks. Well, do you want it listed chronologically, in order of importance, or alphabetically? Take your pick, we've got all day. "His attitude stinks." #1: bad attitude. Anyone else?  
  
"Do you remember what it's like to be new?" Peter asks. Oh, yeah. That was fun. Joyous time for us all.  
  
"I was never that bad," she says. I was! I'm proud of it! I can still be that bad if I like!  
  
"Oh no! Worse," Peter says. Ah ha! Kat was bad! I never would've thought. "He's still settling in. He needs to be part of this team." Yes, but how? Let me think. Rope?  
  
"Look," she continues. "I know he's supposed to be some great athlete, but I don't want him on the team and he obviously doesn't want to be on it." Thank you!  
  
"Come on, Katherine. You have to help him out here." Yes, please do. Before someone blows his pretty little head off from annoyance. "He has to know he's not alone, even if he wants to be. He has to learn to trust you guys."  
  
"Alright, but he should learn to keep his mouth closed," she says. Yes, in principle. It should only be open while kissing me.  
  
"Katherine," Peter warns. Hey, just let the woman speak her mind.  
  
"I'm just looking out for his wellbeing is all. You know, before somebody shuts it for him." Ah! Good one.  
  
"Alright." Right, so, group is over, thank god. But now, Queenie's with Scott, and I'm all alone. Ezra and Auggie went off to the b-ball court. You know, teaching session. Ezra really sucks. I laugh at his suckability. I know that's not a word. Whatever. Now, just gotta find something to do with my down time. Oh, here's my book. Agatha Christie. I'm still amazed they let us read these books. I mean, they're murders and we're delinquents... as far as they know... see the link?  
  
**************************************************************************************  
  
Right, so now we're in training. Juliette finally got Scott to try. We're running down this trail. It's really hard. There are a lot of trees, and a lot of stuff on the ground. If we all make it alive, I'll actually be really impressed. Especially for Jules and Ezra. I have to jump over logs. I actually have really good momentum going. Hey! I'm a pretty good runner. I practically did that for a living. Juliette's like bouncing everywhere. She looks like such a goof!  
  
"Don't just use the map, Kat. Look around. Use the compass, the map and your head, alright?" Peter warns as we slow down to figure out where we are.  
  
"I don't want to do this anymore," Juliette whines. Again, what in the world does Scott see in her?  
  
"I can't go on, man," Auggie whines.  
  
"Oh, my back," Ezra whines. Oh my god! They're turning into... her! Wow, this is really freaky. "I'm tired, I'm hungry."  
  
"You guys are doing great," Hannah says. Ye, right. You're used to running around. Not me, not us!  
  
"I cannot function at this hour without coffee and cigarettes," I say. It's true too. I built up such a dependence on both. I even organized with Joey, the delivery guy, to have a carton of cigarettes brought to me, for... um... a little something.  
  
"Let's go," Peter says pulling me up.  
  
"No, Peter!" I moan and groan. I love making a scene. "This sucks." And off we go. Trudging through the woods. We've hardly gone five steps when Kat stops.  
  
"There it is," she says. What? A cliff? No way girl! I did my share of climbing two days ago! "Dylan rock." I don't care what it is. I don't want to climb it! "Hey I found it!" Good job. Now let's all go home. You know, beds, showers, sleep?  
  
"Okay, guys. Get moving," Hannah says. I hate her! "Harness up, helmets, chop, chop." You've gotta be kidding me! I just sit down and watch as the others-mainly Scott-harness up. Finally, most of them are done.  
  
"Now, you want to climb fast, but you don't want to get hurt," Peter explains. No way! As if. I thought we did want to get hurt. (Sarcasm!) And he demonstrates. I never really knew how good Peter was. That's amazing! But, as usual, I'm not letting onto anything. "Safe and steady," he continues. "Alright, piece of cake." Sure, if you're not afraid of heights. "Ready to come down," he says to Hannah, who's belaying.  
  
When he's down, she takes over. "Okay, two by two. Ezra and Auggie," she says. They hook up and off they go. "You can do it!" Hannah yells out. Of course Auggie can, but Ezra?  
  
"On belay," Auggie says.  
  
"Belay on," Peter replies. It's the whole trust thing. I have none!  
  
"On belay," Ezra says.  
  
"Belay on," Hannah replies.  
  
"Climbing," Auggie yells out.  
  
"Climb on," Peter echoes out.  
  
"Climbing," Ezra warns.  
  
"Climb on," Hannah says back. Wow, this is riveting conversation. Truly! "Come on you guys!" Hannah yells, leading the cheering party.  
  
"Watch your line," I say, seeing that Hannah's forgetting some slack. This throws Ezra off, sending him swinging. Oops, my bad!  
  
"One foot at a time, Ezra," Hannah says. "Come on, Ezra."  
  
"Come on, EZ," Auggie says, looking down. "You can do it."  
  
"Totally pathetic," Scott says, looking up. Well, thanks, Captain Obvious. I knew that. why'd you think I didn't want to do this?  
  
"You could try to help, you know," Juliette says. For once, she's right.  
  
"Having a little trouble there, Pete?" Oh no. The L.H. people are here. I hate those show-offs, with their fancy bikes, and matching uniforms.  
  
"Aw, the little girl thought he was fine," one of the girls says. What the fuck crawled up her ass and died? Ew, gross thought! Kate's just giving her a death glare.  
  
"Peter," continues their leader. "I'm feeling charitable today. So, if you want out of that bet." What bet? We're a bet? Can Peter sink no lower?  
  
"How do you think we're doing, Kat?" Peter asks.  
  
"Awesome," is all she says, but it gets the point across. As much as I hate this situation, this bet, and them, I'm so not going to show weakness!  
  
"I agree," Peter says, and turns around. "You wanna make that bet a little more interesting, Bob?" Please, Peter, nothing to do with us! "Huh? You name it." No, you fool!  
  
"How's your singing voice?" he asks. Oh no! Please, have mercy on us! Don't make him sing, for the love of god and everything sacred! "You win, I sing in front of everybody at the barbecue. If you lose, you sing." I knew it. This is not a good thing. "Ah, you can outrun bears, kayak the nastiest river, but singing?" As much as I hate to admit it, he's right!  
  
"You're on." He accepts? Okay, new plan: I'm very sick and can't make it to the barbecue.  
  
"Excellent," the guy replies. Obviously he's never heard Peter sing. "Come on, guys, we've got a lot of ground to cover. Let's go.  
  
"We'll see you at the finish line," one of the guys just said.  
  
"We'll be waiting there for you," Peter answers. I must say, Peter's comeback aren't bad. "Alright?" he asks Kat.  
  
She nods and mutters "ya" in a confidant tone.  
  
**************************************************************************************  
  
Our walk back wasn't the most interesting of walks. More whining from Juliette, of course. We just dumped all our stuff at the lodge and are having lunch. I must say, for the first time in my life, this food actually tastes good! I'm so hungry. Running through the woods, climbing, and walking back, is very hard to do on only breakfast. I have new found respect for Juliette's stomach... which didn't contain anything.  
  
So, we all sit down at the same table. Scott's sulking at one end with Juliette trying to cheer him up. Auggie's trying to get Jules to pay attention to Ezra and his conversation. It's not the most brilliant of things, but whatever. Kat, Peter, and Hannah are going over what we have to do after lunch, which consists of mountain biking. Woohoo! I'm actually terrible at biking. It's been too long. I used to go biking with Jess a lot, but then Walt happened and I had to start hiding.  
  
I started doing anything and everything that would keep me away from home from early on until late at night. It was no use though, he still came to my room. I started getting into sports. You know, maybe if I was too tired, I'd be able to sleep through it, or forget it. Nope. Didn't happen. Not once. Well, once more, I spent all my free time reminiscing about Walt. Now we're off for mountain biking.  
  
We all get up and walk off, many groans and moans being heard. I follow Kat to the stack of packs, pick up my red one.  
  
"Everyone feel good?" I hear Kat ask. Do you want the truth, or what'll make you happy? More moans from the group.  
  
We all head over to the grassy area to get ready. We put some more water in our packs, things like that. Peter's having a talk with Scott. Probably one of his attitude speeches. I hate those. I've gotten them so many times. And here he comes. Well, it wasn't a long speech, just more of a pep talk. Lucky!  
  
"Let's go, Cliffhangers," he says. He's obviously not enthused by Peter's talk. What? Losing his touch, is he? Well, don't need to rub your bad mood off on us. We have enough of it as it is. "And try to keep up." Excuse me?  
  
"Hey, we don't need you," Auggie says. They're all walking off now. Well, don't wait on my account. Guess it's time to get going. And I do need Scott. With my eyes on him, I keep going. Hey, it's like running after the ice cream truck to get used to jogging as exercise.  
  
So we walk over to Peter and Hannah.   
  
"Okay, guys, just put all your bags in the shed, and you'll come back for them afterwards," Hannah says. Okay, at least we don't have to lug these around. We all throw our bags in the shed. Everyone's to tired to grumble.  
  
"Where do we get our bikes?" Juliette asks.  
  
"Right here," Peter points. We each get to choose our bikes, and we're off. Peter's leading this time, because we don't have a map. This trail may also be a little dangerous, so... we're letting Peter test it out first. Then again, we're going so fast, that doesn't really matter.  
  
This is actually pretty fun. Juliette's really slow. Scott's really fast. Auggie's a natural, as is Kat. And Ezra... well, I'm still getting over the fact that he's still alive. Woh! I just saw Auggie do I wheelie. Okay, maybe he's not a natural, he's practiced before. Impressive.  
  
Okay, we're going down towards the lake. Oh no! I see kayaks! That's not a good thing. Well, this may be actually not that bad. Wait, what on earth is happening to my mood? I'm getting happy? Nah! It's just all this adrenaline. That's all. Hey! Maybe I'll get to splash Jules real bad. Ah! I laugh at the thought.  
  
So we all park our bikes on the riverbank.  
  
"Okay, listen, this is how you get in," Peter begins. Oh, this is going to be great. (Sarcasm!)  
  
**************************************************************************************  
  
We're all in our canoes. Peter's showing us how to prove to ourselves that it's not going to tip. We're rocking back and forth, holding out our paddles. Juliette's gets in my way so I shove it. She's way too happy, have to get her down somehow. As much as she may like this, I don't really. No splashing yet. * Tear *  
  
"Your weights here," Peter says, shifting back and forth. We're having way too much fun for this to be right. Something's wrong. Wait, are we learning something? Hmmm...  
  
We all start separating from the line we were in, and start paddling off, following Peter. Scott looks so bored. Me and Jules just get into a splashing fight. I'm totally nailing her. Man, I got her soaked.  
  
Aw, Peter's not happy. Apparently we weren't supposed to splash. Oops! And Scott went off on his own. He has some major issues. He's handling them the same way I was-am. Don't talk, don't socialize, don't participate. I hate to think it, but he may just have been... well, enough of that. We have to follow Peter down the river. Joy!  
  
**************************************************************************************  
  
While we get down time, everyone goes to the lodge to just lie there. Kat and I go to get food. Hey, I'm hungry! After some sandwiches, which despite their chewy consistencies still taste good, Kat speaks up.  
  
"I'm going to go check on the others. You did great." I just give her a smirk, it's the only way I know how to say it. Thank you. Again, I feel so alone.   
  
As I go to put the dishes in the kitchen, my mind wanders. Why do I feel like this? Why does being alone always make me feel this crummy? This worthless? I hate this feeling. I'll hate it forever! As I come out of the kitchen, I can hear Scott talking to Peter. Can't hear what he's saying. As I get closer I hear Peter start.  
  
"Well, maybe not, cause they don't do a whole lot of winning around here, Scott." Too true! "They do a lot of just getting through, come out and play another day. That kind of thing." Did he just make that present tense? I've been doing that my whole life, ever since Walt arrived. It was always, deal with today. Just get through today. "I want you to stick with this, maybe you'll learn something."  
  
"What am I supposed to learn from losing?" he asks. Hey it worked for me. I learned everything I had to know before my sixteenth birthday. Everything I needed to know to survive in fifteen years. All of that came from losing.  
  
"What did you ever learn from winning?" Peter asks. It's true. He's right. The captain has done it again.  
  
Scott just walks right past where I'm standing. Have to say something. The truth always works.  
  
"Juliette thinks she has some kind of hold on you." I sigh and let my head sink back onto the wall I'm leaning. He's coming back towards me. Yay! "It'll be so sad when she finds out the truth." Okay, he's not saying anything. Just staring. I could deal with that, but he'll probably get uncomfortable and leave. "Love it, don't you?" I know he does. I'm like a mind reader, or something. He doesn't know what I'm talking about. Let me enlighten him. "Two girls crushing after you." I move in. moving my body closer to his. Man! He's like my perfect match! "Bet I can help you decide." Come on, let me, let me, let me. You know you want to! He opens his mouth to say something.  
  
"I don't go for used cars," he says, shrugs, and walks off. I just keep staring ahead. Oh my god! My heart just tore. This is the worst pain ever. This is so humiliating. It's like he knows me, but not really. Why am I letting him win? Why? Why do I give him this power? This hold on me? I just sink back to the wall and look over. Good, no one was listening. That was so bad. So harsh! I feel the tears coming on. Just keep calm Shel! Just stay calm!  
  
I go into the lodge, see that everyone's gone. Take a deep breath. He doesn't know what he's saying. Why did he say it, though? What did I ever do? What did I ever say?   
  
I walk over to the dorms. Why do I feel like that whore I once was? Why do I feel so dirty again?   
  
I head straight for the showers. Why do I feel so powerless? No one's here. No one to comfort me. They wouldn't anyway.  
  
I take off my clothes. Why do they all hate me? Why don't they give me a chance? Do I deserve this?  
  
I go in the shower and stand there. Why do I hate myself? Why do I feel like Walt's just hurt me again?  
  
I turn on the shower. Why? And the tears flow. The sound covered by the raging water. The sighs covered by the steam. I hate every inch of me! I hate myself! I hate myself!  
  
I finish my shower. Brush my hair, brush my teeth, put clothes on, and go to sleep. I'm not feeling well. I don't want to feel well. I just want the pain to go away!  
  
**************************************************************************************  
  
"I just wanted to say I was sorry for letting everyone down. I know you guys will still do great in the race," Kat just said. What? Peter's dumping her off the team? That's so unfair! We're so losing without her!  
  
"Of course we will. Even without Katherine on the team," Peter just said. Okay, that was harsh, I mean she's standing right there. Whatever. This is out of my hands, I'll just go along with it. Don't show emotion.  
  
"Come on, don't kick her off, just put her on restriction, or something," Jules said. Yeah, they're close, Kat and Jules. I think it's because I'm so mean to Juliette... meh! * shrugs *  
  
"Come on, Peter. Be human just once," I say. Hey! I had to kick in sometime. And Peter has to let her come. I know I said, out of my hands, but still! And by the look on Peter's face, I'd say we're not getting what we want.  
  
"We need a new team captain," he says. Knew it! Not me, not me, not me! "Scott?" What? No way! He can't do this. I'd pick EZ before Scott... for team captain, that is. "You're in."  
  
"What?" My sentiments exactly!  
  
"You're in," Peter says a little more forcefully. Don't refuse him, Scott, or he won't be so nice with you anymore...  
  
"No!" Well, that was pretty whiny. It's just us. "No way, this team's a joke!" Uh, hello! We're right here, Scottie-boy!  
  
"We'll make it a good joke," Peter said. I don't wanna be a joke at all!  
  
"Let's see what you can do, three time league champion," Kat said. Oh no, this cannot end well!  
  
"Give him a chance," Jules kicked in. nah! We have and treated us like crap.  
  
"Alright, first thing," he begins. Yes, my oh-so-beautiful captain. Okay, so I won't give up on him just yet. I mean, Peter must have had a reason. Besides, the moment he starts talking, I'm transfixed. "Shelby, Juliette, you're gonna shut up and stop complaining!" Oh, thanks. I knew he didn't have anything nice to say. Why do I even bother?  
  
"Scott!" Juliette whines. Ya, go and cry to your boyfriend.  
  
"Don't you talk to her like that, meat," Auggie says. Hey! He got me too! Hello! I'm right here!  
  
"Auggie, you're gonna drop the attitude and try and figure out a way to get Ezra across the finish line... alive," he says. What did we get ourselves into this time?  
  
"Keep in my face, and I'll show you attitude," Auggie says. Uh oh, this may not turn out too well.  
  
"I'll camp in your face if I want to." How did I see that one coming? "Now, check your gear, and... uh... look at the maps and try not to do anything too stupid," Scott says and then walks off, pushing his hands through his hair. I'm totally offended by everything he just said, but I still think he's amazingly sexy. Okay, something's definitely the matter with me! When was the last time I even actually liked a guy? This is totally freaking me out!  
  
While everyone keeps painting our banner and moaning about what Scott said, I just think. I mean, look at me! I used to be a fucking whore, for god's sake! I hate guys. As much as they paid me, they still only wanted sex. They only ever just want one thing. I hate them for that! I hate them for their ego, for their stupidity, for their sex-driven minds! I always have.  
  
The question is then, why do I like Scott? What makes him worth going after? Oh my god! I think I just figured it out. Scott's hard to get. Not cause he's playing some kind of stupid playground game, but cause he's with Juliette... because I lost to her. I guess I just want to prove, to myself, as well as to everyone else that I can get any guy I want. Why do I want to do that? What's the matter with me? Scott doesn't like me. He never will. I might as well give him up!  
  
He's got some kind of hold on me. Something that won't let me be. It just won't leave me alone! I can't put my finger on it. I almost feel like I need him, and he may just need me in the same way... for the same reason. Is that possible? Can guys be molested?  
  
**************************************************************************************  
  
We all get out of Peter's car and see "X-CHALLENGE" written in yellow on a huge purple banner. Well, we're here. Fun, fun! Time to get this show on the road. Peter leads us to our tent. We already all have our X-Challenge shirts on, we just need to sign up. Peter just took Scott to the sign up thing. We're all filing water-bottles up, and oh my!  
  
I just found a team. They're not my team, but they're beautiful. Well, only two members of the team. But man are they hot! Mm, mm! I'll show them! Time to turn on the flirt charm.  
  
"Hi, I'm Shelby," I say with my little smile that'll have 'em lined up for more.  
  
"Hey, I'm Josh!" "I'm Brian." Perfect.  
  
"Where have you been?" I ask, flirtingly.  
  
"Uh, Seattle," Brian says. I raise my eyebrows.  
  
"So, uh, you guys came all the way from Seattle for a race?" Josh nods. "Make sure you have a good time then." Hint, hint! Here's Ezra. Crap! Go away, I'm having a good time! Why will you take that away from me, you stupid kid?  
  
"We are next," he tells me, taking Brian and Josh's attention away from my pretty face. Do I look like I care about this race? "Oh, did she tell you that she's in high school?" he asks the guys. Okay, so they may be hot, but they're not exactly... young, per say. Well, no use staying here. I get up and walk after Ezra. He's gonna get it for this! I know it! I don't know how, but mark my word.  
  
"Come on, now!" Scott yells, as I sit next to Juliette on a table.  
  
"Take off. I'm dreaming about your mama," Auggie warns.  
  
"Auggie, be nice," Juliette warns. Oh my god! Can you make it any more obvious, girl? She totally loves him! With that, we all get up and go off to the kayaks.  
  
Scott's done first, then Auggie, then Ezra and Juliette. I'm still not done getting in a putting my helmet on when the guys counts down. "Alright then, three, two, one!" And they're off.  
  
Okay, so we're all good, right, until Scott goes so far in front of us, we can't even see him any more. The LH team is so far in front of us. They're with Scott. Ah, Ezra's banging into us! This isn't fun. Okay, so we're all stuck now. We're trying to paddle while clinging together, basically. Auggie just pushed Ezra off and I'm doing the same with Juliette. It's working. Okay, so we're separated. Auggie's in the lead, then it's me, then Jules, and finally, Ezra. Didn't I know it?  
  
Ah! He's practically going in circles. Obviously, the little training we did have with kayaks didn't work for him. Note to self: tease him about this later. Oh, this is so gonna be my comeback for making me get away from those two guys. I could've made like 50 bucks off them. Hold on! I'm not doing this anymore!!! My mind is still under the impression that I'm getting my next meal from the guys I find.  
  
Anyways, we're out of the water, finally. Scott's over the finish line first, then it's the rest of us. He's urging us on, but I bet it's only so that he doesn't have to lose. I have a feeling he's like me, in the fact that he hates to lose at anything, no matter what!  
  
"Come on, move it!" he yells. What the hell is his problem? I wish we had Kat! "Horizon, I'm here," he tells the guys at the checkpoint. Uh, hello, TEAM captain, we're all here! Somewhere between a championship and a joint, he forgot the meaning of that word. I need to rest. Scratch that, I need to crawl into a hole and die.  
  
"Alright," the man says. "The mountain bikes are out back." Mountain biking? Now? Is that man a slave driver, or just insane? I can't do this! None of us can!  
  
"Wait, we rest a minute," Juliette says. I have to agree. If we don't we'll drop down dead. We only had like two days to train for this shit!  
  
Scott doesn't even answer, he just walks off. We all go after him, he's the one who knows what's happening. We follow him to some bikes, jump on and are off. There's not even enough time for Jules or Ezra to whine, and that's saying a lot! Right away, we jump onto this insanely tough trail. All I can do is follow Auggie and hope he knows where he's leading us. I really hate Scott right now!  
  
"Scott! Wait!" Jules yells as he rides off away. We can hardly see him. It's like he's trying to escape us or something.  
  
"Jerk," Auggie says. I agree!  
  
"Hey, maybe he'll run off the side of a cliff or something," I suggest. It would get rid of that attitude of his. This trail is so hard! It's so tough that at one point we have to carry our bikes over this bit that has logs lying around. We can't bike over that, we'll die!  
  
He's trying to fool himself into thinking that he's not part of us, I know it! He thinks that if he' gets away from us, he's no longer one of us, that's not it, bud! You're so wrong!  
  
"Hey, where is he?" Ezra yells. We finally turn a bend and the checkpoint comes into view along with Scott, sitting down, waiting. What an ass! As if it can get any worse!  
  
"Come on, let's move it, come on!" he yells at us as we jump off our bikes and run to the checkpoint. This is madness! Total and utter madness!  
  
I can barely walk as Juliette hands me a glass of water. It stings to drink it, but I know I have to. It hurts my lungs, my body! I'm in pain from sudden exertion.  
  
"Okay, can't move, can't speak," Ezra says, completely out of breath. If we all don't die, Ezra will. He's so puny, he has no lung capacity, and he's way under-trained.  
  
"We need a minute," I tell Scott before he runs off again.  
  
"You know what, fine," he says throwing paper at my feet. "You wanna lose, stay here. You wanna win, come with me, now!" And off he goes. I don't have enough energy to give him a piece of my mind. Apparently Auggie does though.  
  
"Hey! You got a bad mouth, meat. You're gonna get hurt," Auggie tells him.  
  
"Just step off, alright, I got a race to run." We all do! Open your eyes! You're not alone, not even if you want to be! You're stuck with us! Make it work!  
  
"Look around, you're here because everybody gave up on you. Your parents, your teachers, all of 'em. They gave up on us, too," Auggie tells him, practically reading my mind.  
  
"We only have each other," Juliette says. It's true. These people are my family, as much as I avoid them sometimes.  
  
"Pathetic, isn't it?" I ask, laughing. If you see it my way, we're all here because no one cares! "You walk away from here, you're walking away from the only thing you've got," I point out. It's a scary thought, being alone. You don't want that, not in a million years, believe me! I know, I went through it.  
  
He just walks off. So, we take a minute, grab the map that he threw at my feet, and go off. After a while I get tired of Juliette's complaints.  
  
"Jules, just shut up, or you'll keep getting worse. Don't talk while you run!" I yell out behind me. We get to a cliff.  
  
"The equipment's already here for us to go down," Ezra says.  
  
"Scott's fast," Juliette says. We go down. It takes a whole lot to make me go down a cliff. I hate heights! I despise them! Whatever, I'm just thinking about Scott, and how much I want to beat his ass right now! Then we keep running down a path. It doesn't take too long for us to get to a fork in the road. Oh no!  
  
"I don't see him any more," Ezra says. Ya think?  
  
"Which way, EZ?" Auggie asks. We're all a little low on temper. I just try to catch my breath, bending down and breathing deep.  
  
"I don't know," he says. You're kidding right?  
  
"Just decide so we can get out of this nightmare," I say. I just want out!!! Let me out! It's a fork in the road, probability says we get a 50% chance.  
  
"South-East, past the gully, around the ridge," Ezra says. That's good enough for me. "I think." Look, I don't want to stay out here any longer than I have to, okay?  
  
"I think? Come on," Auggie says. Now don't you go all macho on us too, there, homeboy!  
  
"You're more than welcome to try," Juliette says, handing him the map and compass.  
  
"Stupid map," Auggie says, looking both ways. "Come on, it's this way. Move your humps," he yells. They all go, and I have to drag myself up, off a log, and get running again. Joy! Thanks, Peter, I really owe ya one, now!  
  
We just keep running for about two minutes, and then Auggie slows down. We're on the side of a sort of ravine, and we have to take it slow. Suddenly, Auggie falls. Oh great! Why'd we come this way?  
  
"Auggie!" we all yell, seeing him roll down this enormous ditch. He's in pain. I hate this! Stupid Scott! We all take a slightly less steep route down and join him.  
  
"You okay?" Juliette asks.  
  
"Get off me, get off me, get off me," he yells.  
  
"Is it broken?" I ask, feeling his ankle. "Did you hear like a wet snap?"  
  
"Yuck!" Jules yells. Okay, this isn't the time to get grossed out! We have to help him!  
  
"Nah, it's not broken, I just twisted it," he explains. I bend over and check it out.  
  
"Do you think you can get up?" Jules asks. She seems so panicked. "Come on."  
  
"Kay, come on," I say, pulling his arm over my shoulder and lifting. "Ready?" And up we go.  
  
"Ah, no, no, no, no," he says in pain.  
  
"Okay," I reply, putting him back down. "Juliette, you have that rescue radio?" I ask her. Please have it!  
  
"Ya," she says, reaching back for it. "Here." She hands me some gauze so I can rap his ankle. "Hello, this is team Horizon, can anybody hear me?" she says into the radio. Please let them come! I pull off Auggie's shoe very gently. He's obviously still in a lot of pain. "Hello, this is team Horizon, can anybody hear me?" she calls again. She's not getting an answer and it's starting to have an effect on her. When I've bandaged Auggie's foot, we all lean up on the side of the cliff.  
  
"X-Challenge, we hear you, we're sending up a truck," the radio regurgitates. Oh thank god! We all let out a little whoop.  
  
"Thanks," Juliette says into the radio. We all just lay down and catch our breath.  
  
"Finally we can rest," Ezra says, breathing hard. We all nod. All thoughts are wiped from my mind as oxygen rushes back to it. After about five minutes Ezra starts up again. "Where are they already?"  
  
"This has been just so much fun," Juliette says sarcastically. I didn't know she had a cynical side to her.  
  
"Said I was sorry, alright?" Auggie replies. He doesn't know what else to do. I know how he feels.  
  
"It's not your fault," she answers, realizing the kind of message she put out. "Uh, I've never been so filthy in my entire life." It's okay! You'll live through that! I start laughing as I think of how stupid Ezra looked in his kayak. "Shel, what?"  
  
"I just keep thinking of Ezra in his kayak," I say. Everyone starts chuckling. "Nanook of the nerds," I add, cracking up.  
  
"Least I was trying," he defends.  
  
"You almost drowned," Auggie points out. We all laugh harder.  
  
"Oh, look who's talking. The homeboy mountain goat," he says in a Texas accent. It's funny cause it's true!  
  
"Ya, we lost, but... uh... Peter has to sing," he says, nodding. We all crack up again into uncontrollable fits of laughter.  
  
"Auggie, I'm sorry, but I'm still glad you fell," Jules says. Me too, without that, we'd still be in a bad mood running around, trying to figure out what we'll do to Scott. "Now we can go home and take a shower." Speak of the devil. Here he comes running.   
  
"No one's going home," he says. Haven't you had enough of bossing us around?  
  
"Hey, the jerk-man coming," Ezra says.  
  
"You guys wanna finish?" Scott asks.  
  
"A little late to be team captain, honestly," Juliette says. So true!  
  
"I know, I messed that up." I just look to the side. I don't wanna look at him. "Like everything else." Hey, don't give us your crap, we don't need it! "I'm sorry, okay? That's it. Now I know you guys are beat, but the finish line is just over that ridge. So, I don't care if we have to carry Auggie, but we're going to make it, okay?"  
  
"Why do you care?" Auggie says.  
  
"Because everybody in this race, everybody back at the school, they knew that we couldn't do it," Scott explains. I look up at him. He's right. "We sit here and we just prove them right."  
  
"What's the big deal? They already know what we are," Juliette says.  
  
"Yeah, we're losers, man," Auggie says.  
  
"We're not even losers until we cross the finish line. We sit here and we're nothing, we move and we're a team. At least we're that," he says. Okay, I'm sorry, but that was one heck of a good line! We all look up as a car pulls up. Hannah gets out and runs over.  
  
"What happened?" Even her words help me feel safe. "Auggie," she starts. He just grunts and lifts up his hand.  
  
"Nah, it's nothing. I was just stupid."  
  
"It's not so bad," she assesses. "We'll getcha back."  
  
"No, no, no, give me a second," he says. We all look at Auggie. His mind's made up. "Yo, you guys wanna help me up here, or what?" He puts his arms around Jules and me. "Come on. Nah, I don't think I'm gonna need your ride," he tells Hannah. Oh, the old Auggie's back!  
  
"Auggie, that ankle," Hannah says, shaking her head. Come on, it's his choice!  
  
"We'll get him through," Scott says reassuringly. He also just makes me feel safe, like I'm not alone. She just looks at him.  
  
"Come on, Hannah, we've been through too much," I say. "We have to finish." It's only fair!  
  
"Yeah, we may be losers, but we're not quitters," Auggie says. I'm with ya there, man! "Come on guys." And we walk off. "Got me?"  
  
"Ya, ya," Jules and I say. We just start leading him down the hill from which Scott came. He finally joins up to us. WE lead Auggie through this stream. Scott was holding him up and he fell. We all help him up. It's now both Scott and I holding him up. He's okay.  
  
Finally the finish line comes in sight. He was right, it was right over that ridge. As we come into view, everyone starts cheering. I can't help but smile.  
  
"So, did we beat those jerks. The Lawrence Hastings guys?" Ezra asks.  
  
"You beat 'em before the race even started," Peter says. Thanks. Really, thank you. We all needed that.  
  
"Alright, Auggie, let's get that ankle checked out," Hannah says, coming and taking over Scott's position. Ezra takes over mine.  
  
"You did great," Kat says, walking up to Scott. "Getting them back here." Well, you know, Kat, we sort of did do something too.  
  
"Nah, they're your team, you trained them," he tells her. Okay, he owed her that one after what he said to her earlier... Juliette told me how mean he was. I'm glad he finally shed his stuck up ego. "I just took 'em the last mile." Thanks for that. We wouldn't have finished without you, Scott. See, why do I keep crawling back to you like that? But I still do. I won't stop... until something definitely stops me... but what would that be?  
  
"Brought 'em home in style," Peter says, putting an arm on my shoulder. "Filthy, dead last, and smiling." Well, at least he got that right. "Good work." He shakes Scott's hand, and moves on. I just look up at Scott. Okay, he really did come through for us. I must admit it. He may have had the worst attitude ever, but he pulled his weight when the time came. He's one of us now. "Okay, Cliffhangers," Peter yells out. "Pile in, let's head home. We have a barbecue to attend." We all moan. Why? Do we really have to give them that pleasure... now?  
  
**************************************************************************************  
  
So Peter just sent me to get cutlery and plates. I got whatever disposable stuff we had from the kitchens and now I'm going back out to those LH jerks to serve them food. Wow, do I ever feel low. Okay, I just came out of the kitchens, and guess who I see. My main man!  
  
"I hate serving those jerks," I say as I pass him. Hey! I gotta say something. I mean, how's he supposed to get to know me... or at least the me I want him to know, if I don't talk to him?  
  
"Yeah, and we gotta listen to Peter sing," he replies. Ye, we loose either way. What a heck of a night! At least we'll have some bragging rights around Peter. You know, I can sing better than you, type thing.  
  
"Yeah that was really cool what you did: coming back for us. I mean everyone else still hates you." I don't!!!! "But you came through. You're one of us now." Hey it's not that bad! I swear. I'm really glad I told him. I feel better now, knowing that he knows how I feel.  
  
"I guess it's not so bad being one of you," he says. Thank you. You don't realize how much that means. "Listen, all that stuff that I said... bout you and the other guys..."  
  
"Uh, used car," I fill in. It hurt more than you could imagine. It hurt because it's true. That lump, it's back in my throat.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sorry." Did he just say that? I can't describe this feeling. I'm so happy. This means the world. No one has EVER apologized for saying something like that to me.  
  
"Maybe we can hang out. See if there's something about me... something you might like," I say. He's getting antsy. It's so cute. I just hold the eye contact as long as possible. Come on, look at me, beautiful eyes. I hope he says yes! I hope he gives me a chance... one I've never gotten before. "Maybe?"  
  
"Yeah, maybe," is his reply. Well, hey, I'll settle for that. It's better than nothing. He just walks off, leaving me with my plates. Okay, did I just imagine that, or will I actually get a second chance with Scott? Is he actually giving me any sort of chance? This is too good to be true.  
  
I walk off to go give Peter my plates and cutlery. Images of him, looking at me, not being totally repulsed, swimming in my mind. Ah, I'm in heaven!  
  
"Here you go, Peter," I say handing him the stuff.  
  
"Thanks, Shel. Will you go get the others in the kitchen?" he asks.  
  
"Uh, sure. Wouldn't want to miss your singing debut." I enter the kitchen. Okay, I feel like I just got kicked in the gut. There's Scott... kissing Juliette. I hate that sight. Maybe he actually likes her. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's not just the cheerleader-football jock kind of thing. Maybe he won't bother giving me another chance.  
  
Maybe he doesn't think I'm worth it. I walk into the dining area and sit down. Why did he have to see her first? Why did he have to judge me so fast? Why couldn't he just take me for face value for once? Why can't I get a break? Ever?  
  
Juliette walks over to me. "Hey," she says. Perky as usual, how predictable? "Come on, we gotta go, start cooking." I can't hide my feelings this time. My face shows that I'm upset. Oh no! Princess can't see. She'll hold this over me forever! I can't let her win. But it's so hard! I feel so low. I feel shot down. I can't hide for some reason. I think that thought he was just fooling himself... that I was just fooling myself. "What?" she asks, when I don't say anything. Time for the act again. I don't want the act... but I need it.  
  
"Let's go," I say with a fake smile on. There we go. There's the Shelby we all know and... hate. I hate myself. I hate this act, this façade, this charade. I hate lying to everyone. "Have some fun." Whatever, I'm stuck, and it's my fault. Gotta live with it. I get up, and walk off, Juliette following. We head out to the barbecue area. People are already starting to eat. I get a hot dog and sit down next to Kat at a picnic table. Just trying to get over-forget-what I just saw is going to take forever.  
  
"Okay Peter," I hear the man from LH yell out. I turn around. "Alright everybody, let's hear it. Peter! Peter!" he chants. I just roll my eyes. This is ridiculous. They don't understand the power of this man's singing capabilities: they will all be institutionalized! Peter starts walking off. As they chant more and more, he comes back. Everyone's cheering, even me. This is hilarious.  
  
"You could enjoy this less, you know," Peter tell the LH guy as they both stand up under the gazebo.  
  
"I believe it's time for desert," the guy starts off. I think his name's Bob. "Your just desert's Peter. Here are your lyrics." He hands him a sheet of paper and steps down. I wonder what he's gonna make him sing.  
  
"Oh, no!" Peter scoffs. What is this?  
  
"Oh, yes," Bob says. And the music starts. No way! It's the YMCA! This is too funny!  
  
"Young man, there's no need to be down. I said, young man, pick yourself up off the ground," Peter sings. Oh man! He's worse than I thought! "I said, young man, cause you're in a new town, there's no need to be unhappy. Young man." This is when Scott goes over to Juliette.  
  
"Come on," he says, taking her hand.  
  
"What? I'm not going up there!" she says. I'd go anywhere with Scott, count yourself lucky!  
  
"We win together, we lose together," he replies. Okay, so Scott is really decent. Jules gets up and follows him. I get up and get the others. We all go up with Peter.  
  
"It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA," we all sing. We're even doing the dance. This is too great to pass up! Even the LH guys are dancing. Juliette and I start dancing. Go figure! Me and Jules. This is so much fun! I didn't think it could get this good at Horizon. 


	11. Walking the Line

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Disclaimer: As I've already cleared up, this story, these characters, this entire setting even is not mine. I will remain faithful to what has happened in the TV series.

Author's Note: Thanks so much guys, for waiting! I know it was long, but what do you expect? People these days can't always be helpful and show the right episodes. I have pretty much the rest of the season though, so it should be along shortly!

Okay, I would try and make this more understandable, in terms of what she thinks and what is actually said aloud, but I thought it was real simple. 

Crash course: what is IN quotation ("") marks is actually said aloud unless I'm trying to describe a tone of voice or something like that (a "duh" like voice).

What is NOT in quotation marks is what she (Shelby) thinks. Just pay attention, and it'll all make sense, I swear! Okay, onto another… concern I got. NO Scott and Shelby are not together! Not yet, at least. If you've watched the actual show, you'd know that they get together later on! But to begin with, Scott is "going out" with Juliette! Alright, if there are any other concerns with how I'm going about this, please let me know, and I'll respond to them as well as I can. Just know that with me, there's only one way I deal with questions: you ask a silly question, you get a silly answer. You ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer. Anyways, enjoy the story!

Okay, time for breakfast. Wonder what they're serving us this time. Well, there's the usual menu: mush, slime, goop, chewy unknown substance, and casserole surprise. Oh, I can't wait. Right, so, we just finished with the bathroom in the girls' dorm. A bunch of us, Kat, Jules, Auggie, and I, I don't know where Scott is. Maybe he got in trouble and is on kitchens. Either way, I don't really care at this hour of the morning. So anyway, we're headed to the caf for whatever it may be that they're giving us for "food" this morning. Here's Peter, wonder what he has to say today… Oh my god! Is he actually wearing a suit? Well, there's a first time for everything.

"Woohoo!" Kat calls out, trying to annoy Peter. Oh, I'm so not missing out on this game! "Look at you!"

"Ow!" I call out.

"Someone call GQ!" Jules says. We just finish up like that and walk into the caf. Despite the fact that the food is probably the worst in the country, I'm still a growing teen. Haha! What a bunch of bull! If anything that food is stunting my growth.

"Hey Aug," Peter calls out. Auggie stops following us and goes over to Peter.

"So, what do we get today?" Kat asks rather nonchalantly as we line up for breakfast.

"Mm, mm, gruel!" I say, as the guy behind the counter gives me a bowl with the white goop in it. "Please sir, may I have some more?" I ask in my best Oliver Twist impression. As he goes to give me more, I swoop the bowl away. "I was just kidding. This stuff is lethal!" I follow Kat to a table and Jules, Ezra, and Scott soon join us. "Why the glum faces, Cliffhangers?"

"We're at a lock-down facility for social rejects, and we're eating… something. You do the math," Ezra says sarcastically.

"Hey, Auggie, what did Peter want?" Juliette asks, which gets a pretty annoyed expression from Scott. Man, he's jealous… of Auggie?! Okay, then. Why doesn't he just give her up and take me? At least I'm not crushing on another guy when I have the best one in the world… I wish I were in that position though… to have Scott. *sigh*

"Oh, just the 'you're doing good, keep it up,' speech," he explained.

"Well, this is scintillating conversation, but I have to get to class," I say, getting up, trying to avoid these people. The only one in this group that doesn't drive me absolutely insane is Scott, and he's not exactly my biggest fan.

"Yeah, me too." I turn around to see if that speaker was Scott, but I'm out of luck…

"Get away from me, Freakin'." Why'd it have to be him? Anyone but him would've been great! Why doesn't he get it? I walk out of there so fast he has to jog along side me. "Man, you really need a girlfriend."

"Who?" he asks hopefully. I turn to him sweetly.

"Someone just as desperate as yourself. See ya!" and I walk into the dorm. Maybe now he'll give up on this futile plan of making me that desperate one. I grab my books from my desk and go off to history class. Whoopee! History. I always did suck in the social sciences department. Actually, I always sucked in the social department as a whole.

I sit down, being one of the last to do so, so I miss my place next to Scott. Damn it! Ezra's gonna pay!

During the entire class, I don't even listen to a word Jeff says. I just want out of this class. Why did the American Revolution have to be so boring? Just look at Scott and all will be good. Why does he have such a strong hold on me anyways? I mean, he doesn't like me, he made sure that I understood that. Why does he hate me, though? I mean, he's the only one I've ever been remotely nice to. It's funny, despite the fact that I've known countless guys, I still haven't got them figured out. What is it about all of them that disgusts me, but doesn't seem to come into play when I'm around Scott?

I've got to figure this out. Whatever, figuring will come later, class just ended! Score!

"Alright, placement tests on Thursday." You mean tomorrow. "Don't freak out, you'll all do great! Leave your reports on the table," Jeff calls out as we all try and get out of there as quickly as possible. I reach out onto the table, grab my report and line up to get out of class.

"I know you said five pages, but is thirteen okay?" Kat asks. What a goody-goody! I can't believe her.

"Ya, thirteen will be great!" Jeff answers. That's amazing though. I had to write long, wordy sentences in big lettering in order to even reach the minimum. How does that girl do it? 

Aw, man! Juliette is so flirty with Scott! That's so annoying. I'm stuck behind her until I can get to my next class. Why does he even like her? She's so wrong for him!

Okay, a whole math class of Juliette and Scott flirting… or trying to do so. Man, Claire is so oblivious to what goes on when she turns her back. Our entire class is basically copying notes down. Somehow we're all supposed to learn from that. I sit down at a table in the back. Math is not my best subject and I hate to have the attention on me when that teacher of ours decides that a question is due. Lovely, bimbo and jocko sit down with me.

One of my favorite dumb-blond jokes (I enjoy them despite my own hair colour) is "What do you call a blond who dyed her hair? Artificial intelligence." I love it! It's so Juliette! I can't even begin to laugh!

All class I had to sit through her and Scott flirting and playing footsie under the table. Ah! It hurts so much, that she got him and I didn't. Not only that, but that he won't even give me a chance! Finally! Bell rings! Praise the lord! We are saved! Off to lunch.

I race out, so as not to be stuck with the couple around me again. I quickly dump my stuff in the dorm, enter the caf and get my salad. Just as quickly I find a seat as far away from everyone as I possibly can. Let's see, what is this stuff? I hope it's salad! Come on, taste buds, do your stuff!

Ezra comes to sit next to me. Why? Why me? That kid really doesn't get subtle… or not subtle.

"I don't know who she's kidding," I say. I need to get it off my chest… even if it is to him. "She's so wrong for him." I can see Juliette trying to kiss Scott in the middle of the caf. "It's like temporary insanity." Actually, for Jules, it's permanent.

"Well, I mean, I think he's crazy," Ezra starts off. "You are… are much smarter than she is." I'm trying to ignore him, but that catches my attention.

"Smart?" I chuckle. Me and smart in the same sentence, now there's a first.

"Ya," he starts making some sort of whiny/odd/weird noise. Hey! I'm not gonna argue! This is Ezra we're talking about! "I also have some complimentary thoughts about your body if you wanna hear them." You've gotta be shitting me! That is the creepiest thing ever. I may have endured loads of guys, but this one is too weird for me even. I just don't answer, don't look, don't even make a sound to acknowledge his having said anything at all. "Or not," he says. That's more like it! And remember that next time!

Haha! Juliette just got room restriction from Hannah! Score! I knew that her drooling over Scott wasn't a good idea… especially in such a public place.

"This just isn't like… food," Scott says. No way! You mean this whole time I actually thought it was? I have been grossly misinformed!

"Yeah, the turkey tetrazini here is always problematic," Ezra replies. Oh, look at that, there is turkey in here.

"It's horrible," Juliette whines. Stop whining! You've got it all, and somehow you insist on complaining! Won't you just shut up?

"What do you care? You're just gonna toss it up anyhow," I say, pointing out the obvious. Well it is!

"That just means she's gonna have to taste it twice," Ezra says. Wow, what bad luck. Now there's a hard choice: keep it down and put on some much needed weight, or barf it up and taste it again.

"I'm telling you man," Auggie begins as he plops down into a chair beside Jules, "this test. Why are they making us take this stupid test?" he asks. Woah, homeboy, no one wants your bad attitude here!

"It's prep for the SATs," Juliette informs. "For college?" You know, that big scary place you'll never know the likes of?

"I ain't going to no college," he says. There we go! Someone around here is finally facing the facts. Man, this is a day for precedents.

"Anger management, Augusto," Juliette says with a giggle. She is so into him! How can Scott stay with her when he sees her like that with Auggie?

"I wasn't talking to you, stick!" he yells out. "Why don't you go barf?" Okay, I may hate Jules, but that was really harsh! Even for her! Hold on, why didn't Scott speak up? I knew it! He actually doesn't like her! Thank god I wasn't becoming delusional. Auggie pushes back his chair, which hits another kid I don't know.

"Hey," he says. "Watch where you step there, little man," he warns. Dude! I wouldn't mock Auggie in his state if I were you.

"What? You wanna a piece of me? Come on, let's go outside," he says. "Get your butt kicked."

"Alright, I can step on you," the guy says. He's so much bigger than Auggie, but Auggie's got so much more anger… this is a tough call.

"Heads up," Scott says as Hannah walks in. Man, she's patrolling this place like nuts since Peter left for New York… I think that's where he went. I thought Jeff mentioned something about it… or maybe it was Claire.

"Auggie, Mike, problem?" she asks. Well, stranger's name is Mike.

"Nah, no problem at all," Auggie says before leaving. This sucks. I wanted a fight. You know? Take my mind off my own problems.

Okay, after some more of this turkey tetrazini, we all go outside to try and walk it off. 

The rest of the day is spent in class, trying all the while to ignore Juliette and Scott.

**************************************************************************************

Now, I'm lying in bed. It was a long day, though not much happened. The worst feeling in the world is to have what you want so close, yet so far all the same. He's so far out of my league, I feel so overwhelmed. But, of course, I've only formed enemies in this place, and can't talk to anyone about any of these feelings. It sucks! I'm trapped and I don't know what to do! I need Patty again. I need my best friend. She was the one I went to with any problem I had, though I didn't have that many guy troubles out on the streets. I was a little busy with… other stuff. Whatever, time for sleep now.

**************************************************************************************

What's going on? Everyone's assembling at the b-ball court. Oh nice! Auggie challenged that guy, Mike, to a game! Score! It's Thursday morning.

"Yo! Are we playin ball here or what?" Auggie asks. Yeah! Start the game! "I came here to kick some tail. Starting with you, son," he says. Mike just laughs. Yeah, that's right, go and make him madder.

"Bring it on." And the game begins! Scott and Ezra are on Auggie's team and some other kids are on Mike's. I don't think Ezra'll do much good, but sure, go ahead. Whatever. Auggie gets the ball and is nearly at the basket. Mike is blocking him, so he elbows him hard, which pushes Mike against the wall. Auggie scores!

"Ya! Ya, baby!" Auggie shouts. He goes over and high-fives Scott. Talk about show off! But Scott with a smile? Now, you don't see _that_ everyday… and what a beautiful smile it is.

"You're starting to tick me off," Mike says, taking the ball. Hey, it's not like you make us all warm and happy inside.

Anyways, the game's back on. They guys are running all over the place, passing the ball back and forth. Okay, so I don't know a lot about basketball… big deal. I can play if I want to, I'm not _that_ incompetent.

"What you got? What you got?" Auggie yells as he tries pushing Mike around. Mike basically runs into him. This pushes Auggie back. Mike starts dribbling again. Oh, I sense a fight coming on. Those two are really mad.

Auggie runs right into Mike, sending said Mike flying. Oh my, I can see this ending badly.

"What is up with you, man?" Mike yells once he's back up. Auggie's walking around with an arrogance I didn't think could exist in only one person.

"Just playin to win, man," Auggie answers.

"Yeah, that may be how they play in the barrio, but up here we play by the rules," Mike says, in his face. Oh, don't make Auggie even madder at you. You really don't have a brain. I've seen him in a bad mood, the first few days he was here. We got it from Ezra that he punched this kid after lights out. The kid provoked him, which is why it never made it to Peter, but it, was one of those breakfast stories we all love. "I'd show you that rule book if you could read English." Okay, that wasn't the right way to go about it.

Auggie runs right into Mike who was walking away, sending him down, once more.

They start throwing punches and before anything actually happens there's a huge crowd around them. Scott's holding Auggie back while some other guy's holding Mike.

Whatever, nothing to do here anymore. Shit! PSATs are this afternoon. I only have… what? Fifteen minutes? Shit! That's not a lot of time! No fair! I hate tests. I never used to do well on them at school. Well, then again, I was having worse trouble at home. I dunno, I have been studying for the test… relatively.

I walk back to the dorm and fall down on my bunk. The second my head hits the pillow, Kate walks in.

"Hey," she says. I open my eyes and look at her without an expression. "What's up?"

"Oh, not much," I sigh sarcastically. "Oh! Actually," I say, propping myself up on my elbows to look at her properly, "Auggie and that Mike kid got into a fight," I continue rather unenthusiastically. Kate's jaw drops. I look at my watch. "Oh, time to go, PSATs are waiting to be taken," I say with a shrug, picking up my books and leaving the dorm. Kate just stares after me, her jaw still dropped. I chuckle to myself.

I go to the lodge; the test is on the second floor of that building. I walk into see most people already there. How is it that I'm always one of the last people to arrive? Kate walks in shortly after.

"Jules, can you go get Auggie for me?" Jeff asks. She nods and gets up to leave. "He's in the dorm."

"Right. I'll be right back," she says, leaving. Why does she get to go? I want to get out of here!

"Alright, guys, put all your books and bags over at this end and on these tables, and keep a blue or black pen," Jeff instructs. We all obey and several minutes later, we all sit back down. "Okay, so, we'll just wait for Juliette and Auggie to be-- oh, here they are," he begins, cutting himself off.

The two sit down and prepare for the tests. Jeff gives them all out and we begin.

Ah! Test! I hate tests! What's the point of it anyway? Oh my god… Auggie won't stop moving. I'm not even facing him, but I can hear him twitching about behind me. Why won't he stop? I can't take the pressure of the test with him distracting me. Suddenly I hear furious writing noises. I turn around right in time to see Auggie rush out of the room.

"Auggie!" Jules calls after him.

"Auggie! Where are you going?" Jeff calls. After a minute more, he turns back to the rest of us. "Okay guys, back to you tests," he says.

Two hours later Jeff calls out "time out," and we're done.

"Finally," Jules sighs as we leave the classroom to go to lunch.

"Oh, I know, so stressful," Kate says. I just roll my eyes at them.

"But hey, now we're done for the day," Ezra points out. It's true. I hate agreeing with him, but it's true.

"What's up with Auggie?" I ask in a pointed way. Juliette looks away. I, of course, notice this right away. Okay, that girl knows something. She knows something about Auggie, about what's bothering him. "Alright, whatever."

"So, what's for lunch?" Ezra asks.

"What else? Crap is normally the usual," I say sarcastically.

"Shel!" Kate scolds. She doesn't have anything over me! She can't do that! "It's spaghetti, and we have kitchens afterward."

**************************************************************************************

So, we've just finished lunch, and the rest of the students have cleared out. I bring some plates into the kitchen. Before I leave, though, I hear Scott and Jules talking.

"Hey, what's up with you, huh?" he asks. I could tell you: she's totally crushing on Auggie.

"Nothing," she replies, hiding all her traces. Right, Jules, you may be a good actress, but you're not that good. If anyone's good, it's me. I mean, I've been here for about 3 months and no one, not even Peter, has figured out my secret. Time to make my grand entrance.

"Later at the lake. It's all set," I say, referring to something I heard from a Ridge Runner during lunch. She told me that Auggie and Mike were meeting at the lake to fight it out.

"What's all set?" Scott asks. Why does he have to be so harsh with me?

"They're calling each other out," I explain.

"But Hannah's on duty. We could get into trouble," Ezra complains.

"We could get into trouble," I whine mockingly, then scoff. "Look, she's got the whole campus to cover. I don't care about you guys. I'm gonna be there," I say decisively, leaving. I head to get some more plates to clear off. Oh, kitchen duty is so tedious!

"Guys, I'll be back later," Jules says. "I'm done." With that, she leaves.

"What's up with her? Didn't have her daily barf yet?" I ask sarcastically. Nobody says anything. Okay… why won't Auggie or Scott fight for her? That's not right… well, I guess Auggie's really mad at her, and Scott just doesn't really like her. Right when we're all about to leave, Hannah and Jeff walk in.

"Auggie, can we speak to you?" she asks. He nods and follows.

"You can all go, the caf and kitchens look good," Jeff says, dismissing us. Well, I gotta go to the bathroom, and then we head to the lake.

**************************************************************************************

So, now Ezra, Kat, Jules, Scott, a few couple of students and I are traipsing through the woods, going to the lake. We arrive at a sort of ridge that leads straight to the bank. We see Mike already there, waiting for Auggie. Then a hooded figure arrives. That's gotta be him.

Auggie takes his hood off, and Mike takes off his sweater. Man, this should be good.

Wait a second, they're talking! I wonder what they're saying. They move down toward the water. Suddenly, Mike looks back at us. Wonder what's going on. All of a sudden, Mike pushes Auggie into the water. Woah! Wasn't expecting that one!

"I'm gonna kill him," Scott says, getting up from where he was sitting. We all head down to the bank.

As Mike goes to help Auggie out of the water, the latter takes his hand and pulls him in. 

"What? It didn't even go one round," I say sarcastically. I want to do it; that looks like fun! "That looks like fun," I say going down to the bank and jumping in the water. Then I look up as Scott jumps in using the rope swing. We all splash water around.

Man this is great! I can't believe it!

Suddenly, Auggie leaves the water, and goes over to Jules who's still sitting up on the embankment. As I check the condition of my hair, I look up and see them kissing. Oh this is one I'm not gonna forget. And Jules is smiling! Wow! She cheated on Scott with Auggie! Just what's wrong with that girl?

Ah, I'm gonna have some fun with this one. I can't believe it! This is monumental!

"Okay guys! Time to get out!" Frank yells.

"Oh, shit!" a couple of students mutter. We're all still laughing as we scramble out of the water.

"Okay, guys, you had your fun. Now, you get back to campus, go shower and meet me in my office. Handing out chores is gonna be fun. And no one skip it, or it'll be worse!" he says, as we all head back.

"Well, it was worth it," I say.

"Yeah, that was so much fun," Kate agrees.

"It really was," Jules adds meaningfully. Haha! I know why! This is not going to go down without some fun. I finally have something over Juliette!


	12. Hope Falls

__

Disclaimer: this counts for the rest of the story: I don't own the characters, setting, or even most of the script. So, don't sue me!

Author's Note: I know I took a while, it's not because I don't love you all, it's cause I didn't have the previous episode, so I couldn't finish the text. But, because I took so long, I did Hope Falls as well! Enjoy, guys, and I have the rest of the episodes, so it's all good.

****

CHECK OUT PREVIOUS CHAPTER! IT'S WALKING THE LINE! I SWITCHED THE CONTENTS!

"What time is it?" I ask Juliette. We're the only ones at this end of the lodge, and I have a rather… important appointment.

"4 o'clock," she replies. "Shelby, Frank said to stick around." Why does she have to be so nosy? "Cigarettes aren't worth that much trouble."

"I'll be back," I point out. It's not like I have anywhere to be. So I walk out of the lodge and I go around to the back of the cafeteria.

That god everyone here has something to do on a Friday afternoon, and they don't have to be bothering me about what I'm doing. Actually, better yet, thank god Peter's still in New York and Frank and Hannah are handling newbies… or so Kat tells me.

Ah, target spotted: the delivery truck that comes every week with a new version of fake food for the caf, and other such supplies for our day-to-day existence.

I round the truck looking for Joey, my hot delivery guy, that I bribe for cigarettes. I just found out recently that this was possible. Damn! It's not the same guy. Oh well, flick on the charms, girl. Shit, this guy's not nearly as cute as Joey. Ah, man! Why me?

"Hello," I say, getting his attention.

"You must be Shelby," he says. Good job, man! Not the brightest bulb around, now, are we?

"I must be." Okay, seductiveness (not a word!) on. "Where's Joey?" Maybe if Joey's around, I won't have to deal with this idiot.

"Oh, uh, he--he couldn't make it. He--he said for me to come. I'm Leo." Man, this guy's so nervous, I can't believe it!

"Leo," I repeat seductively. Ew! Shelby, you whore! "Hey, Leo."

"Oh, Joey… Joey said that--that--that maybe you're interested in," he reaches in the truck and… score! "A carton of butts?" Ah, cigarettes, bringers of nicotine. Wonderful!

"Thank you, Leo," I say, reaching for them. He stops me.

"J--Joey also said that… uh… I should ask for some ID. You know, cause you gotta be 21."

"What else did Joey say?" I reply, never letting the charm falter. That is my true talent: my charm. Wow, nice use of my energy and intelligence, huh?

"Nothing," he says, smiling sheepishly. I smile and take the cigarette box. He's still holding onto it. Damn, this guy is like a dog. I take him round the back. Ah, I can't believe I'm doing this! I push myself up against the truck and pull him up to me. Okay, wipe out all thought.

Great, now, I'm a slut with an IQ of zero. Perfect. He tentatively kisses me. Ew! Grossness! Whatever, it'll pass! It'll pass! His hands explore my body. It'll pass! It'll pass! His tongue slides into my mouth and starts massaging my own. It'll pass! It'll pass! Oh, joy, this is just what I planned (sarcasm!) I can't believe myself. I'm here to get cured from my days as a hooker, a slut, a skank, a whore, a prostitute. Yet, I keep running back to those ways. It's as if I need something familiar. I don't like this sort of familiarity. It's such a contradiction; I want the familiarity of an unknown man's body against mine. Just what the hell is wrong with me?

Well, since Scott's not approving of me, I need to find someone who is. Come to this of it, this guy's pretty low. He comes to a school for emotionally broken kids to get some.

After these ten minutes, I push him off.

"I gotta go, Leo," I say, with all the seductiveness I can muster while these thoughts are rushing through my head. He nods uncertainly.

"O--okay," he stutters. I pick up the cigarettes and leave.

"You better be worth that," I whisper to the box. Wow! Now, I'm talking to inanimate objects? My damage is something twisted! I pull out a cigarette and one of the matches. Thank god for good ol' nicotine. I take in a good long huff and breathe out the smoke. My brain's flying with the gain of what has been deprived. I hope Queenie didn't tell too many people about what I do. She only found out because she was in the dorms when I got my first box and didn't know where to hide it. As I finish this one, I come out from the quasi-darkness the forest provides, and see Scott chopping wood. I go to hide my box in its current hiding place: the woodpile. Right before I put it away, I take out another one and light it. Time to try my shit with Scott again.

"I love watching a man chop wood," I say, still seductively. It's almost as if this is the residue from when I was sweet-talking Leo. I walk over to him. Note to self: thank Peter for putting Scott on wood-chopping duty.

"Really?" he says nonchalantly. Come on! Give a little!

"Actually, I love watching you chop wood." Hey! I'm telling the truth! If the truth happens to be told flirtatiously, so be it! I bite my lower lip and lean against the woodpile. My, my, aren't you fine?

"Hey, you're caught with that and you'll be the next one chopping wood," he points out. Then will you come and admire me?

"You smoke, right?" I ask, offering my cigarette. It's a big sacrifice. "I got 198 more where that came from." He takes it. I can't really read his expression. This is where shit starts happening.

"Yeah, I heard about that," he says, unimpressed.

"Don't worry, it's not like he meant anything to me," I say seductively, still.

"I wasn't worried, and I quit," he says, throwing away the cigarette. Well, wasn't that a slap in the face, on more that one level, too.

"Hey, let me give you a heads up on something," I reply, getting frustrated. "Everything in life is give and take. I learned that on the streets." You get it easy. You get it told to you! I had to learn it the hard way. "You give as little as you can, and you take as much as you can." The truth in that bites. "I learned that. That's reality!"

"Not mine," he says. Are you trying to mock me?

"You don't have a reality," I point out. "You have Juliette. Football captain takes the prom queen," I say looking at him in the eyes just to prove my point. "That's fantasy-land."

"At least she's not a skank." Okay, that's the last straw.

"One thing I'd like you to remember: I am a human being so speak to me like one!" I spit back. How dare he? He doesn't know anything! "Oh, speaking of reality," here's the punch line, "d'you know Juliette's crushing on Auggie?" Let's see what he says to this. "I saw them kissing. Peaches and cream… with salsa on top," I say with one hell of a seductive look, almost to try and enhance what I'm telling him. "Your reality sucks, doesn't it? Just remember who didn't play games with you," I say, walking off. I turn around and check him out one last time before leaving. He had all this anger boiling up and released it on a new piece of wood. Whatever. Deal with it.

So, I wander over to the girls' dorm steps, smoking another one of my cigarettes. I just got 'em, I'm kind of anxious to pump some nicotine into my body.

"Hey! Shelby!" I hear Frank call. I throw the butt under the steps and look up at him innocently. He looks exhausted.

"Yes?" I ask sweetly. He just rolls his eyes. Please let him not have seen the smoking. Please?

"Hannah needs you in the admin building." I breathe out a sigh of relief. If Frank had wanted to punish me for the smoking, he would've done it right away, and on his own.

"Why?" I ask shortly, my expression falling, all the same.

"Newbie. Go now," he says, mimicking the tone I recently used. I smirk and leave. Great, no I have to deal with a newbie! Why me? My not Juliette? She's friendly enough. She does enough smiling for the rest of the school.

I enter the building. "Hey, Kat, where's Hannah?" I ask. Kat helps out around Horizon when she can; which is something I would never do.

"Uh," she says, checking a clip-board on the desk, "down that hall, third door to the left." I nod and go to the correct door. I collect myself, and knock. Here goes nothing.

"Oh, Shelby, perfect," Hannah says, opening the door, and letting me in. I give her a weird look and then see the newbie. She doesn't even look like a newbie, she looks like she's been her forever. She looks right at me. She has a knowing look, as if she knows everything about me. I don't like the feeling of being scrutinized.

"So, you're Shelby, my buddy," she says sarcastically. I nod, giving her the weird look this time.

"Yeah, and you are?" I reply, feigning interest.

"The name's Daisy. Daisy Graves," she says, holding out a hand to shake. I shake it, but cautiously.

"Graves, huh? Fun. You think that up yourself?" I ask sarcastically.

"Okay, Shelby, that's enough. Take Daisy to the dorm, and get her settled. Then give her the tour. Daisy, you're on newbie-restriction until tomorrow afternoon, so you can get settled, and meet the Cliffhangers. You're allowed out of the dorm for meals and group," Hannah explains.

"Group?" Daisy questions.

"Yeah, we get together and spill our guts. You'll like it," I say sarcastically, and smirk.

"I'm sure I will," she replies with an equal smirk.

"I'm liking her already," I tell Hannah, my voice getting more and more sarcastic by the moment.

"Yeah, so get to it. Chop, chop," she says, clapping her hands. I roll my eyes.

"Come on, Miss Graves," I say, picking up one of her bags, and lead the way out. "Well, that was the admin building."

"You're joking!" she replies sarcastically.

"Right, well, down there is the cafeteria. Over there's the gazebo, and those are the docks. The classroom are in that building, and above the lodge, right over there."

"The lodge?" she says, interrupting my pointing and explaining.

"Yeah, the common area. It's also where we have group," I say, putting up a mock enthusiastic thumbs-up.

"Great!" she says sarcastically, her face dropping.

"My thoughts exactly." As we pass the woodshed, I see Scott at work still.

"Who's he?" Daisy asks. She's not interested, I can tell by her tone, just curious.

"Scott. He's in our group. You'll see at dinner tonight," I say, rolling my eyes. "And you get to meet the other girls, now," I say, opening our dorm door. "Hey! Where are they?" I think aloud, looking around.

"Room's filled with empty people," Daisy observes.

"Yeah, that's it," I reply. "Oh, right. Okay, well, Kat was working in the admin building. She'll be back later, and well, I dunno if you want to know Jul--" I start, but am cut off.

"Hey! Oh my gosh! We have a newbie!" she squeals.

"Queenie, calm down. Daisy, this is our resident princess," I say, rolling my eyes. "Juliette, this is Daisy."

"Oh, you got Shelby as your first day buddy?" Daisy nods. "My deepest sympathies."

"Uh, thanks," she replies.

"Don't worry, Jules is just off her rocker," I say, lying down on my bunk, to wait for dinner to come.

Finally, at 6:30, we all leave for dinner. By now, Kate's come back to the dorm, and I've introduced her to Daisy. As we enter the cafeteria, an idea pops into my head.

"Oh, you'll wanna watch out for the food."

"Why?"

"It's rather lethal," I say sarcastically.

"Nah, it's just kind of rubbery and without flavor," Kat says, scowling at me. We get our food and sit down at the table with the guys.

"You gonna introduce us to the newbie?" Scott asks harshly.

"Daisy, this is Auggie, and Ezra," I say, pointedly refusing to look at Scott. "Guys, this is Daisy."

"You guys have a newbie too!" Juliette remarks.

"Yeah, Isaac meet Shelby, Juliette, Kate and Daisy," Ezra says, eyeing Daisy. He just nods.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" I ask sarcastically. He just looks down at his food. "Right."

"Why don't you just leave him alone?" Scott says, getting angry.

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" I fire back.

"So, why are you here?" Juliette asks, stopping our little fight.

"Here we go again," Daisy says lightly. "I'm a child of alcoholic parents, my mother has lost all maternal instincts, and my father became abusive. When he finally threatened physical abuse, I whacked him over the head with one of his golf clubs, a 7 iron."

  
"You wanted to off him?" Ezra asks, interested. Daisy nods.

"And I would've, I just didn't think I could cry for the police," she says. Wow, this girl is freaky! Why are they sticking her here? She might kill one of us!

"Great!" Ezra says, just a hint of sarcasm in his voice. He's a little unenthused by her little speech.

"So, what's newbie's story?" I ask pryingly.

"We don't know. He hasn't said a word since he arrived," Ezra says.

"Strong and silent one, huh?" Daisy says, getting into the whole Horizon way.

"I like her already," I say, smiling, and nodding in Daisy's direction.

"Well, that's big of you," Scott says evilly.

"Scott, man, what's up with you? Huh?" Auggie asks.

"Lay off, man, it's none of your business!" he replies, getting up and leaving. All eyes turn to Juliette.

"What? I didn't do anything!" she cries out. All eyes instinctively go to me.

"Well, I'm touched," I say, and get up to leave. "Oh, Daisy, after dinner you have to go back to the dorm."

"Yes, master," she replies.

"Good, my child. You learn well," I say, acting on the reply, and leave. I need another cigarette! Man, this isn't good; I'll be coughing up smoke for a week.

**************************************************************************************

"Hey, where are the other guys?" Juliette asks at breakfast the next morning. Only Ezra is sitting at the table that the Cliffhangers normally use.

"You guys didn't hear?" he asks, slight surprise written over his face. Oh no, what happened this time?

"No, pray tell," I say, mock interest in my voice, as I sit down at the table.

"Isaac passed out last night. He either fell into a coma or died, dunno which," he replies.

"Well, I'm sure it makes a big difference to him," Juliette points out.

"Happy place," Daisy says, looking around the caf cheerfully.

"Yeah, really," I reply, glumly looking at my breakfast. "What's this supposed to be?"

"Uh, eggs and beacon, I think," Kate answers. I smirk.

"So, where are the other guys?" Juliette asks again.

"Oh, being questioned by the police. I was asked their questions early." Probably thought he looked the guiltiest.

"Gotcha," Juliette says. Thank god, I was starting to think I'd have to draw her a picture. 

**************************************************************************************

The rest of breakfast was eaten in silence. Since Daisy was on room restriction, and I didn't really have anything to do, I hung out with her and got to know her. Whatever, she's cool and all. I'm sure we'll become great friends. I mean, it's about time I had someone to talk to. She's honest and won't give you any crap. You can really trust her to keep your secrets. It's great! Okay, I may be this excited inside, but I can't let them see it on the outside.

Oh, we also pointedly avoided the subject of Isaac. After all the formalities of paper work and such, Peter called a group this evening. It's now an hour before lights out and the Cliffhangers, Peter, Hannah, and Frank are in the lodge. Wonderful! Joy, joy, fun, fun. Time to talk about our feelings.

"As you're all aware, a young boy ODed here last night. 16 years old. His name is Isaac Wilton. Except for a few of you, no one had a chance to get to know him," Peter says. Who did get a chance to know him?

"How?" Daisy asks.

"How what, Daisy?" Peter asks calmly.

"How did he do it?" she replies. Yeah, I'd like to know that too, actually!

"Barbituates," Peter says simply. "He overdosed on barbituates. Other questions we can ask are why anyone feels the need to abuse drugs? Or what you do if you're having similar feelings?" I have had similar feelings. No one was there to help me! Patty's overdosing is the thing that saved me. Had she not ODed, I'd still be out there with her right now. Wow, that's a harsh choice. "Any thoughts on that? Anybody?" No! I'm not gonna spill my guts on my best friend's death to a bunch of kids who don't care.

"Look," Scott says, "he was just the new kid. I mean, you said it, none of us knew him." Wow, that's cold. He doesn't get it. He was a person. A real living, breathing person. I don't care if he was new. That doesn't make a difference. I knew he wouldn't care.

"Up until a few days ago, Scott, you were the new kid. Remember?" Peter says pointedly. It's true too.

"Could've been an accident too, you know?" Ezra butts in. Nah, drugs are not an accident. "Depends what types of barbs he was doing. Fiorinal, Phenobarb, Secanols. Happens all the time. Some newbie tries to get high and puts the lights out by mistake." Okay, his knowledge of drugs astounds me. It's actually kinda creepy.

"He's a butt-wipe," Auggie says. A what, now?

"Sorry, Auggie, what?" Peter asks calmly. His calmness is starting to bug me.

"I said he's a butt-wipe," Auggie repeats.

"Why's that?" Peter asks. I think he's finally starting to lose all that patience.

"He should've done it at home. You know. Instead he comes here with this bad attitude and then he ODs our dorm. Alright, now we gotta live there. Now, I dunno 'bout you guys, but that creeps me out!" Auggie finishes. Didn't think of it that way, but still. Man, I wouldn't want to have to live tin that dorm. How'd he smuggle the drugs in here anyway?

"Now--Now we're supposed to have all these feelings," Scott says. You're not _supposed_ to have feelings! They're not forcing you to. You just have them. What they want you to do is share them, you dumbass! "It sucks."

"How'd he get away with it anyhow?" I ask. "I mean, aren't you guys supposed to deal with this stuff before?" I hate to put it this way, but why the hell didn't you stop it?

Peter looks over at Hannah who looks most hurt by it all. I think she was the one to admit Isaac and failed to see those drugs. Frank's now getting up, almost as if he can't stand all this anymore. As if he's trying to run away. He looks at Peter meaningfully, but I can't see his expression: his back is turned. Peter looks worried, almost.

"Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try or how much you care, sometimes it's just not enough," Peter answers. Then what is enough?

Peter turns around to catch up with Frank who's now leaving. We just all sit in silence; Peter's last depressing words sinking in. After a minute, he comes back.

"Guys, be ready at sunrise. You're going on a hike," he says.

"Do you mean just the guys, or all of us?" I ask hopefully.

"Just the guys." All the girls let out a collective sigh of relief at this news.

"Why us?" Scott whines.

"Because it happened in your dorm," Peter says. "Frank's taking you." After a rather long surprised silence, Peter talks again. "Alright guys, bed time. Lights out in 20 minutes."

We all get up and go to our respective dorms. I can hear the guys whine, yet the girls are all pretty silent, left to their own thoughts. I don't like my thoughts. They're all so depressive. I'm constantly reminded of patty; of how I walked in and found her dead; of how I got all her stuff and fled. This sucks. I wish I could have a dreamless sleep.

**************************************************************************************

The next morning when we all got to breakfast, the guys were getting ready to leave.

"Have fun on that hike!" I tease sarcastically. They all shoot me dirty looks.

"Hey, I hear Hannah's leaving," Ezra says randomly. My attention is caught, as is everyone else's.

"What?" we all ask in unison. Ezra nods.

"But that's all I know… sorry," he says with a shrug and leaves. The two other guys follow.

"Great, now we have no counselor," I sigh as I get my food and sit down.

"Man, that must've hit her hard," Jules reflects.

"No shit, Queenie."

"Shelby! Just stop!" Kat says, stopping the bickering. Kat is close to Hannah. This must suck for her. Sensing all the tension, an idea comes to mind.

"I know I'm not normally this nice, but do you guys wanna go have a smoke? You know, release tension?" I say.

"Sure, I'm in," Daisy says.

"Whatever, me too," Jules agrees. We all look at Kat.

"Guys, you could all get in serious trouble," she warns.

"What? You afraid?" I mock

"Whatever, I'll come with, but I'm not smoking," she says.

"Fine," I reply. We finish breakfast, then go out to the lake once I get my cigarettes.

We sit down on the docks, behind the canoes and I hand out the cigarettes.

"A popular belief these days is that death is just a portal to the next stage," Daisy begins. She seems like she knows a lot on the subject. "That somehow this life is just a pit-stop on a longer journey. Well that's bull." Wasn't expecting that. "This is it and death is the end. Blackness. Nothingness. No consciousness. This idea that you'll get to see who comes to your funeral is pathetic. You're dead, bud, the joke's on you," she finishes. Okay, that was a little creepy. I start looking around for the matches. Please tell me I have some more! I smoked a few yesterday morning and afternoon, after I heard about the kid. I'm now down to 174. Wow! Where do they all go? I'd like to make them last so I don't have to deal with what's his face's hands all over me again. "You are nothing but worm food," Daisy says, bringing me back to this world. Oh, yay! Happy thought! "Death sucks and you're an idiot if you think it's better than one more sunrise, one more chance to laugh." Daisy? Laugh? You've gotta be kidding me! I continue looking for matches. Where are they? "Just kidding! Fake out!" she says, smiling. I smirk.

"I still like what you said," Princess says. Why? It was creepy!

"Really?" Daisy asks in mock interest.

"Wasn't there someone he could talk to?" she asks. "Someone just to say 'don't do it'?" Well, obviously not!

"You guys have never seen a dead person?" I ask. "You only got to see one person that used to be alive. Now they're like _totally_ still. You can't even believe how still." It's true. That's the scary thing. All the life just gets sucked out of you.

"Look, can we just stop talking about it?" Kat pleads.

"Stop talking about what?" Daisy asks sarcastically. Kat looks at her. Daisy just smirks. She's great!

"Whatever," Kat replies.

"Darn!" I sigh, giving up on my search for the matches.

"What?" Jules asks.

"No matches," I reply with a fake smile.

"Let me get this straight," she answers. "You negotiated an entire carton of cigarettes and only one pack of matches?" she asks incredulously. I smirk. I hate it when she's right like that.

I suddenly hear footsteps and turn around to see none other than Peter! Oh, god! Why do you hate me?

"Dark forces are upon us," Daisy says sarcastically.

"I don't suppose you'd be interested in 174 cigarettes?" I ask cutely. Hey! It's worth a shot. Peter smiles as thought Christmas came early this year and shakes his head.

"As you can see, I'm not a smoker. Additionally, I begged the girls here not to do it," Kat says. You so didn't beg! I'd remember you begging!

"Number one: you're on report," Peter says, taking the cigarettes form our mouths. "Meet me in my office in two hours. And number two: I want all 174 of these coffin nails on my desk. Got it, ladies?" no! not my babies! I did horrible things to get these! He probably just wants to smoke them himself. He turns to leave when--

"No number three?" Juliette asks. As if she's that stupid! I give her legs a shove.

"You know, actually, number three: I want you all to do your detention in the kitchen… with me," he replies. What? I give him a little smirk and my face falls again.

"Way to go, Princess!" I say, getting up and dusting off my pants.

"Sorry!" she replies, rolling her eyes. The rest of the girls get up as well.

"I dunno why I'm in trouble! I didn't do anything," Kat whines.

"It's like aid to murder," Daisy says with a shrug. "You didn't stop it." Wow, this girl is just smiley sunshine, isn't she?

**************************************************************************************

The two and a half hours leading up to our kitchen time were nothing special. We just moped around for a couple of hours, then went to Peter's office and he put down our offences in writing. Then we made our way to the kitchens for happy hour and here we are.

"Alright, we're here today to bake a cake," Peter announces, once we're set up behind the counter. A… cake? What is this cake thing you speak of? "A birthday cake," he adds, as thought it'll make a difference. "Well, come on!" we all look at him, totally unfazed.

"Peter, you know us. You've read our records, our psych evals, our rap sheets," Kat says. Oh those were fun. Good times. "Where in any of that was there anything that possibly made you think we knew how to bake a cake?" Oh! That is good! That's so true too… I never got on well with the oven…

"Uh, I dunno, you guys are girls," he says, pointing out the obvious. No way!

"We're not girls, man. We're profoundly dysfunctional adolescents," I say sarcastically. Adolescents who probably never had a successful home ec class in our lives.

"Great!" he says, getting a little annoyed.

"So, who's birthday?" Queenie asks before I get myself into more trouble for fighting with Peter. Hey! It's happened before!

"Hannah's," he says as thought it's really obvious. I snort.

"You think a cake is gonna make her stay?" I ask mockingly.

"Uh, frankly, I'm running out of ideas fast so it couldn't hurt," he says. I smile mockingly.

"Alright, I'm in for Hannah," Kat says.

"Whatever," I say. Juliette's bouncing and Daisy looks bored.

"Excellent. What do we need?" Peter asks, taking off his blouse so he won't get it dirty. A white T-shirt isn't much better.

"Um, flour?" Daisy says pointedly. Don't tell me… Peter has no idea what he's doing!

"Flour, very good, Daisy," he says, looking around for the flour. He finally reaches under the counter and gets a huge Tupperware container of flour. Wonderful. "Flour. What else?"

"Sugar," I suggest. Duh!

"Sugar?" He looks behind him and picks up a smaller glass container. "Ah. Sugar. Told you, we can do this. We can," he says. I straighten up. This is gonna be one long detention.

This same naming game goes on until we seem to have everything we need. Then we start mixing it together.

"Wow, this looks… interesting," Daisy comments as Juliette stirs. She seems to be having a little trouble, but it's almost done any way.

"Alright, guys, the oven's set," Peter says, joining us. "Looks about right," he adds as he checks the batter.

"Nah, it's way too thin still," I say.

"It's not like it's getting any thicker," Juliette whines.

"Whatever," I say.

"Just mention to our tasters that there is a poisoning possibility with this," Daisy says sarcastically. Kat just rolls her eyes.

"So, let's bake it," Peter says, taking it and bringing it to the oven. We all crouch around it. I open the door, and Peter puts it in. we all stare with dramatic effect as he pushes it to the back of the oven. I then close the door and notice something. I grope at the closed door.

"There's no window," I point out desperately.

"How are we supposed to know what's going on in there?" Juliette asks melodramatically.

"All we can do is wait," Peter replies. I look at him unimpressed.

"How much time do we have to wait?" Kat asks.

"Uh, an hour," Daisy says, checking the cookbook. She then set the clock and joins us. For a full hour we just stare at the stainless steel door. Finally, the bell chimes and Peter opens the door.

As if we made that! Juliette gasps loudly. That's the _worst_ cake I've ever seen!

"Oh dear lord," Kat sighs.

"It's hideous," Daisy pitches in with a little chuckle.

"We must kill it!" I say, picking up a spatula from the stovetop. Peter stops me.

"No! no! it's not a monster, it's our cake… it's our baby," he says, taking a towel, and taking the cake out. "All she needs is a little frosting. He looks pained at it.

"Oh, come off it, Peter, it's gonna take a lot more than a little frosting!" I say honestly. Wow, that's sad.

"That is pathetic," Daisy says. You're telling me!

We did however try to fix it up. Daisy and I ended up filling the hole in the middle with frosting, which Peter forced us to take out. Kat then wrote "BIRTHDAY" on it in white frosting. Juliette ran and got a picture of it. All in all, it was a pretty good detention.

At dinner that evening, the guys told us that Isaac was off life support and that he was gonna be all right… this time. I couldn't help but feel bad that Patty hadn't gotten a second chance. She would've become something great, had she known, had she taken advantage of life. That's just how she was.


	13. What Remains

Author's Note: Alrighty, I just wanna thank Mandy for her reviews. Dude, you rock so much!!! Your reviews really brighten my day; you have no idea! Thanks so much! So, thanks for that, girl. Oh, and I'm so sorry for the length of time it took me to post. I swear, I'll try to get these up fast from now on.

"Guys, come on! Get up!" Kat yells, getting out of bed and shaking Juliette awake. I've been up for about half an hour by now, but no one has a clue. It's the only time I ever get time to think peacefully. Then again, Juliette's random talking in her sleep is just a little disconcerting.

I turn to look at Daisy, who's also lying down on her bed, looking at the ceiling.

"Don't you think it's weird that Queenie didn't wake us up today?" I grumble. Daisy cracks a smile.

"I think this is just one of her days for being in a sulky mood…" Daisy's gone nuts! Absolutely crazy, that one.

"Sulky? Princess?" Now this might be good for a laugh.

"Or as close as she gets to it," she adds. I smirk.

"Right," I sigh, lifting myself out of bed. This is gonna be a _long_ day. I'm just getting my stuff together for a shower when I hear the door open and Hannah comes in. Beautiful, early morning group! Please, don't let it be that!

"Guys, pay attention. We're going on a day hike today, so get your stuff together."

"Where are we going?" Kat asks.

"You'll see," Hannah replies, leaving. I hate surprises.

"I always hated Mondays," I sigh, going into the bathroom.

"So did Garfield," Daisy adds. I roll my eyes and close the door. Wonderful! Time to myself. I don't get this one often. I walk to the shower and look at it disgustedly. Not even this can get me clean. I hate this feeling. It's like, no matter what I do, I'm always gonna be dirty and disgusting and awful. Why couldn't Walt keep his hands to himself? Why?

Whatever, I have to shower at some point and it ain't getting any easier. I strip down and step in. I turn the dial to make it as hot as possible. The water's stinging my skin. Even boiling hot water won't do it for me! The worst time is when I'm around any guys. Any guys at all. Peter even! They all remind me of those horrible men on the streets. The ones who would pay for… man, I can't even think it! What's the matter with me! Just what the hell is wrong with me?

"Shelby! Come on! Some of us want showers too, you know?" Kat yells in.

"Fine, I'll be out in a sec," I yell back. Why can't she just be patient? It's only been a minute. Wonder what got up her ass and died… on second thought… it probably didn't die. Okay, enough for now!

I step out of the shower, dry off, and get my clothes on. I do this as quickly as possible, every day. Just get it done. That's all.

After having brushed my teeth, and my hair, I walk out. "All yours," I say. Kat jumps in. "Calm down. It's not going anywhere." She smirks at me and closes the door. The other girls are getting all their stuff packed for the hike. Maybe I should do that too. I sigh and take my pack out from under my bed and pack in what I'll need, mostly water and a change of clothes, you know, in case.

**************************************************************************************

"This is a day hike, guys. Just up and back. Unless you want to be coming down in the dark, I'd keep up pace," Hannah calls out to us. We're climbing up this mountain. We're nearly at the top and it's about 1 o'clock or so. Man, this was the most boring waste of my time ever! The best thing that came out of it was getting out of classes. Fun, fun! Oh, and I get to spend time thinking… which is, as we all know, my _favourite_ passtime.

"Don't look at me, talk to her," I say, spotting Juliette who's is actually not walking… what a surprise!

"I don't think I can do this today," she whines. God! Give me a break! She fakes it so much, I can't believe people keep falling for it over and over again.

"Juliette, you were fine five minutes ago," Hannah tells her.

"Well, I'm not fine now!" she whines again. Why don't you get over yourself?

"Did you eat breakfast?" Hannah asks. Oh yeah! Maybe that's it! She just needs her daily barf.

"Yes, everything." Hannah gives her this look. At least she's questioning her act this time. "I did! I ate!" she protests.

"She's not lying, I saw her," Scott says. He came up right behind me and was looking at Juliette as if he actually cared. Juliette's trying to walk it off. as she passes Scott he looks at her closely. "You look kinda pale," he practically whispers.

"Stomach cramps?" Hannah asks. Juliette nods. "Hey, this is for real, right?" God, you don't know her at all, do you, Hannah? She always fakes this shit. And I totally know why.

"Maybe she just needs her daily barf," I say. Hannah gives me a look that clearly tells me not to go there. But I do so enjoy "there." Can you tell I'm bored?

"I'm not faking," Juliette says in a little voice. Aw come on! Even I can do better than that!

"Okay. Katherine, I want you to take Juliette back down to campus, get her to Dr. Gibbs," Hannah says. No! You're letting her win? That's so not fair. I would never, not in a million years, get away with that. Watch.

"You know, I have this shooting pain," I say, rubbing my neck. Hannah and Juliette both look at me as if to say shut up. Fine whatever, point proven anyway. I turn around and see Katherine walking up to get Princess. Oh, she does not look like she's in the mood for Queenie's games either.

I just follow down where Daisy and Ezra went. Might as well contribute to the finishing up of this stupid day hike as the daylight's still around.

**************************************************************************************

So, we got to the top, and then started down again with nothing happening. Hannah tried to get us to sing, but none of us were in the mood… shocker! Ezra started complaining about having to climb. That's when we all started shutting ourselves off into our own worlds. Daisy tried to talk to Ezra… a little. She was just playing with his mind. I think that's a hobby of hers.

Oh, hey! This is the spot where Juliette put on her little act. Ah! Just looking around here makes me mad that she got to go back, and we all got stuck up on this stupid mountain! Hey, maybe this mountain's some sort of metaphor for something… no wait! That would be too logical and too useful. This is just pointless climbing. They're trying to wear us out so that we'll crack easily. They don't realize that a street life will toughen someone up, up and beyond mountains.

As we turn a corner, Ezra starts moaning about pains in his legs _again_.

"Please, just stop moaning about it," Hannah says, shutting him up. Thank you! I forgive you for the little believing-Juliette's-crazy-story incident. You're my hero!

We come around the bend and… wait a second! Peter, Katherine and… Sheriff Curtis? They're all there, standing there, looking around. Okay so what's happened?

"What's happened?" Hannah asks, spotting them and realizing that something's horribly wrong.

"We can't find Juliette," Kat says.

"Peter," Hannah says. Yes, Hannah, maybe he'll tell us that Kat's lying and that this is all a joke!

"You're kidding, right? Wha--what do you mean you can't find her?" Scott protests.

"She just vanished?" Ezra asked. Wow, you are one smart cookie!

"Come on, she's got to be around here somewhere," Auggie says. Well, yeah, somewhere on this earth, as opposed to what Ezra was suggesting… but something tells me she's not around _here_.

"Alright! Settle. Wherever she is, she couldn't have gone far," Peter says, grabbing their attention and preventing the boys from panicking. God! They're so predictable. "Okay. Sun's going down. We can't keep searching for her in the dark, it's too dangerous. We've gotta get off this mountain," he instructs. Sounds good to me. I've been looking forward to getting off ever since I woke up.

"I'm staying," Hannah says. Of course you are.

"Okay," Peter acknowledges.

"Me too," Scott pitches in. Oh, come on! This is ridiculous! Say it with me: R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S! "I'm not leaving without her." Need I say more?

"Yeah, me too," Auggie pitches in. Well, that one was obvious, I mean, he totally loves her.

"Yeah, I'll hang out," Ezra adds. This is too funny.

"No. We're all going down together. Juliette knows to stay close. If she wanders back, Hannah will be here," Peter assures. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but she so didn't just wander off. Come on, how stupid do you have to get?

"I'm staying. Alright? She's gonna freak out there. She won't remember a thing," Scott says. This is actually just hitting me now how funny it is. This whole time, he hardly gives a rat's ass about her, but the second Queenie's in trouble, _boom_, he's right there, ready to be the hero.

"No, we're all going down, now come on," Peter says, but I don't even see him. I just keep watching Scott. Man, as pathetic as it is, I really wish he cared about me that way. I've never had anyone care about me that much… man! I need some heavy-duty help. I love how quickly I can switch opinions on this guy… it's chemical, it's got to be!

Suddenly he looks at me. I don't even blink; I keep my eye contact as if my life depended on it. That's one thing I can do: keep eye contact really well. He looks almost disgusted with me. What is it with this boy? Have I ever given him even the slightest hint of what I used to be? Where does he get this from? Is it a vibe or something? "What are you looking at?" he asks.

"Just observing," I reply coolly. Good job, Shelby. now he really doesn't think you're stalkerish at all!

He walks off, following Peter, Daisy follows, and then me. Peter goes off to the side to comfort Hannah.

"Juliette!" I hear her scream, and I slightly jump. Man, that woman can yell loudly. And I know, I've been on the receiving end of it before… not often, but I have.

We follow Sheriff Curtis down the rest of the way.

"Well, this was fun," I say sarcastically. Everyone gives me looks that plainly tell me to shut up. Scott looks absolutely raging mad. "Okay, I'll be good," I say slowly. Everyone goes off to the lodge to hang around and wait for news. I go off to the dorm.

I need some alone time. They are just too hung up on her. She's such a drama queen and if you ask me, it's all an act. The whole bloody thing. It's her way of getting her attention. Stupid girl.

What if she actually got lost though? I seriously doubt it, but still. It's starting to get dark. That wouldn't be any fun at all: stuck up in the mountains… still. Eww, gross!

**************************************************************************************

Alright, well, it's been what? An hour? Maybe they've gotten to doing something fun. Probably not. Okay, maybe they've started talking or something. You never know. Might as well see.

I go over to the lodge. Hey, anything's better than sitting around an empty dorm, twiddling your thumbs and thinking of ways of getting Scott… wow, we really need more hot guys at this school.

I walk into the lodge and I see them all sitting around, except for Auggie who's standing in front of the fireplace. Wonder what they were saying.

"Home: where the heart wasn't," Ezra says. Wow, that's so poetic of you!

"Well, look who's here," Daisy says. Let's just ignore that one, shall we?

I stop and look at them all. I clasp my hands and take a breath.

"Hey, how 'bout we cut the gloom and doom, campers?" I say, ultra-sarcastically, with my little arm movements. Auggie turns around to just look at me, then back into the fire. Okay… "Look," I say, sighing, "we all know Juliette's a drama queen who loves lapping up attention. My guess is that she's gone into seclusion until it's time for her to make her grand re-entrance." Scott gets up and leaves. Alrighty then. I take a seat where he was sitting, my legs propped up over the arm. Katherine follows him out. Soon, Daisy and Ezra get up and Auggie leads the way out. "What?" I ask Daisy before she actually leaves. Ezra looks at me and shrugs. "What'd I say?" I ask. He just turns and goes. Okay… that made sense. I know they're all tense, but it's so true! All of it.

I sigh and sit up straight in the chair, propping my arms up behind my head. Wow, that was a long Monday, if you ask me.

After about ten minutes of just staring at the hypnotizing flames, I get up, and go back to the dorm.

No one talks to me, but I don't really push it either, as I get ready for bed. Whatever, I've dealt with silence before. I'll deal with it again. Although I hate the silence. A storm always follows.

With that thought in mind, I drift off to sleep.

**************************************************************************************

"Come on, get up!" Jeff calls in the dorm.

"Since when does Jeff wake us up?" Kat asks. Obviously she's not thinking properly.

"Let's see, since Hannah's off on that mountain, waiting for Juliette," I point out.

"And Peter's up there with her," Daisy says.

"Huh?" Kat asks.

"Well, did you really think he'd let Hannah stay up there alone?"

"Guess not."

"Well, might as well get up," I sigh, pulling myself out of bed and walking into the bathroom.

**************************************************************************************

A fifteen minutes later after we left the dorm, Frank came to tell us that search and rescue was coming, so we gathered outside the admin building.

"So, what's taking search and rescue so long?" Auggie asks, as he returns from the bathroom. We're all sitting on the steps. And I've got the prime position: right in behind Scott.

"They're professionals," Daisy says sarcastically.

"Give me a double pepperoni pizza and a barf bag and I'll have Juliette back in an hour," I say. Funny thing is I'm not sarcastic at all.

"Shelby, how 'bout you shut your pie hole, huh?" Auggie asks. Fine whatever. Just calm down. Her boyfriend's right there, and you're being a tad obvious about this crush of yours.

"Don't say I didn't tell you," I reply, as I see Auggie sit down on the other side of Daisy.

"What makes you so sure?" Scott asks almost bitterly. Does he know Juliette at all?

"She's psychically charged," Daisy said. Geez, give me a break!

"Yeah, right," Ezra says disbelievingly. I agree with him, but they don't need to know that. I lean forward to look at him closer.

"How'd you like me to turn you into a dung heap?" I ask him. This is fun!

We all look over at the road as the sound we've been waiting for approaches. A dirty, dark green pick-up truck pulls up right in front of us. Through the glare, I can faintly make out two people inside. Two guys. I get up one clean, smooth move, dust myself off, and walk down the steps towards them. This older one gets out of the driver's seat. But my oh my, the guy who's in the passenger seat is fine! They're both natives, with black, short hair. The younger one looks just about 20, not a day older. Bonus: they're both in uniform.

"Which one of you is search, and which one's rescue?" I ask in my uber-sexy voice, checking out the younger one.

"I'm Aaron Reifel. This is Hank Farris," the older one says. Oh, so young guy's got a name. Hank gives me a curt nod. I lift my eyebrows.

"Aren't you a little young for a smoky suit, Hank?" I ask, making him slightly uncomfortable. My god, I can flirt, but this is ridiculous. Hank looks at Aaron, confused.

"Where's Sheriff Swan?" Aaron asks, cutting in. Kat pops up beside me.

"He's inside, I'll show you," she says, taking over, and leading them away. Thanks, Kat. I get one last glance at Hank as he walks off.

Ezra clears his throat to get my attention. "Uh, you're drooling."

Without changing my expression, I reply, "and you could be bleeding."

"Right, well, let's go off for breakfast," Daisy says. As we walk off she adds, "you could be a _little_ less obvious, you know."

"But there's no fun in that," I reply. She rolls her eyes and they all go off. I kind of hang back and as Scott walks by me he gives me this disgusted look. You don't know me, so don't judge!

**************************************************************************************

"Guys, you still have to go to class, you know," Frank says, coming up to us, as breakfast is finishing.

"Wait, two people from our group are missing," I point out. Kate left with the search and rescue guys… shocker. "We should wait for them."

"There's nothing you can do, just waiting," he points out.

"Besides, I doubt you really care," Scott points out. I roll my eyes and chose to ignore him.

Just as we're all getting up, and the bell's ringing, we see Juliette, Kat, Peter, and Hannah walk in the caf, so we all sit back down.

"Hey," Scott says, giving her a hug. I raise my eyebrows at this, but Peter's getting her some food, and Hannah's talking to one of the kids cleaning up. The others have all gone to their afternoon classes.

"Here, sit down, Juliette," Peter says, setting down some food for her. "Try to eat."

"What happened?" Scott asks, as we all sit down around the table, Ezra's still standing.

"Where were you?" Auggie asks.

"We found her in this underground cave, down the mountain," Peter says. "She fell in."

"Wow, that's harsh," Ezra says.

"What happened?" Scott repeats.

"Yeah, I found you screaming and crying. What did happen?" Peter asks. I think it's odd he's letting her tell us all this.

"I was afraid. I mean… I was lost down there, and it was getting dark," Juliette starts.

"Never fear the dark," Daisy says cryptically. Alrighty then… I roll my eyes.

"Then, my mother… my mother, and all her attacks on me… it started… it started coming back down there. I saw her down there," she says, trying desperately to make people believe her. Peter doesn't look convinced. Yep, Juliette's finally lost it. She was seeing her mother? "I did."

"Your… mother…" I say slowly, making sure. Hey, I know we're all screwed up, but this is ridiculous. She nods. Okay, so I was just trying not to make assumptions.

"Juliette, we're all really proud of you," Hannah says, bringing her away from the hallucination topic.

"Yeah. You did exactly what we taught you," Peter adds. No, not all… she didn't keep her sanity. "Now I want you to eat, and spend the rest of the day recuperating in your dorm." What? She gets the day off because she fell in a hole, and we have to go to class?

"Where is she?" Queenie asks anxiously. Who? Your mother?

"Where's who?" Peter asks carefully.

"The girl with the shawl." Oh my, so it wasn't only your mother? Good to know.

"You mean the bones?" Peter clarifies. There was a skeleton, and Juliette imagined a girl from them? How sad. She nods to Peter's question. "Dr. Gibbs is taking a look at them. Coroner's off the mountain, so he's kin of pinch-hitting," he explains. Happy thoughts.

"Those bones must've really spooked you out, huh, Jule?" Ezra asks.

"No," she replies simply. Maybe we should go over the basics once more. Bones: dead people. Dead people: scary shit. "She was with me. She helped me. She stood up for me." Holy fuck, this girl is crazy. She's really off the map!

"Alright, let's let Juliette finish eating and the rest of you," he snaps his fingers, "off to class," Peter says, looking a little uncomfortable with Princess's state of mind.

"No way," Auggie sighs. I totally agree.

"Way," Peter replies.

"I do think we've already put in a full day," I say, trying to push for a free morning. Hey! More sleep.

"Entitles us to some free time," Scott says. Sounds right to me.

"At least till…" Ezra starts.

"Lunch," Daisy finishes. Peter chuckles. I think we're getting a 'no.'

"Grumble, grumble. Go to class now," he says. Thought so. Damn it! I sigh and get up. As I'm leaving the caf, I hear Kate say "Glad you're back, Jules." Could she be any more of a cheerleader? I swear, in a past life, she had to have been one.

I follow the others off to math. Fun, fun. Twirly finger. Sometimes my sarcasm blows my mind.

**************************************************************************************

Alright, so after an hour and fifteen minutes of math, my mind is buzzing. I leave the class slowly, getting all my books together. This is such a slow day. And the one thing I despise more than math is biology. Oh, god! Who made up my timetable? Anyway, I have ten minutes before class starts, so I drop my books off in my class… I think I'll go down to the main common area to see if I can find something to do… or someone to look at. No, I'm not going to do someone! I can't, either way… okay, enough with the dirtiness. Need soap!

I walk down the spiral staircase and see Kat talking to Hank. I pause to watch. Hank looks like he likes Kate, and she looks a little uncomfortable, like she doesn't know what to do.

"Are we having a moment?" I ask sarcastically, breaking it if there was one. I walk down the rest of the staircase. As I come towards the pair, I say, "By the way, I'm Shelby," and hold out my hand. As I shake it, not letting go, I add, "And if I fall in a hole, you promise to come after me?" man, this is shameless!

"Well, I can't make any promises," he says with a chuckle. Not willing to play along? Fine. I see him look at Kat, and she gives a little smile. Oh, promises to me. I see.

"Not the promising type," I state. I give Kat a rather hard nudge with my elbow. "Careful, Kat." With that, I walk between them, and off to get a glass of water before bio.

As I sit in bio, I can't help but hate this subject. It's so dull. So many notes. So academic. Geez, why does school have to remain boring no matter where we go? When I was back home, it was boring… then again, I could never concentrate, because I had Walt on my mind. All the time. All the fucking time. Even now, thousands of miles away, he's still on my mind. God! Get off my mind! Get away!

I have to concentrate on bio. That's the only way to go.

**************************************************************************************

Alright, so I survived bio and lunch without a breakdown. Now, I just have to get through kitchens. But this whole morning was really stressful. I'm so not into doing this right now.

I fill a big pot with water from one of the many faucets and bring the pot over to the kitchen table.

"I _hate_ kitchen cleanup," I say through gritted teeth. Daisy pops up beside me and hands me a scrubber. "Gee, thanks." I look at her nicely. "I don't suppose you'd be interested in…"

"In your dreams, dreamer," she replies creepily and goes off to sweeping. I start scrubbing. I hate that Daisy gets to sweep, and I have to scrub. I feel like Cinderella.

Hannah comes in the kitchen and walks up to the table.

"How's Juliette?" Kat asks quickly.

"Resting," Hannah replies, putting her mug down with the dirty dishes.

"Oh, yeah, she was pretty toasted around the edges. It was uh--it was scary," Ezra says. No kidding. Toasted, what a euphemism.

"Is she going to be okay?" Scott asks. Nope. No one recovers from that sort of shit.

"She just needs a little time to recover," Hannah replies. More like a long time.

"Can I see her?" he asks hopefully.

"Not right now," Hannah says, crushing his hopes. Ha, ha, sucker.

"Is there anything we can do?" Kat asks.

"Yeah, stick to your duties," she replies. Oh, give me a break.

"In hell they must have pots and pans," I say. I look over and see Daisy sweeping. "Ugh. She even sweeps creepy." With that she looks at me, trying to scare me. I roll my eyes and look back into the pot.

"I need to talk to you," Hannah says. I knew it was coming.

"Look, if this is about my attitude, I'd really prefer not to talk about it right now," I say, getting angrier. "If you don't mind," I add, raising my eyebrows.

"It's not about your attitude," she says calmly. Wow, after that display, I'm quite shocked. She walks towards the door. What the heck, I get out of some work at least. 

So I sigh and throw my sponge into the pot I was cleaning. I go meet her at the door. We're each resting on one side of the frame when she tells me what it is.

"It's about Juliette," she says. I let out a short, exasperated sigh. What? What now? Has she lost more weight or something? 

"Her?" I ask. I take a second to breath and look at the others in the kitchen. They're not listening… "How is she?" I ask, genuinely concerned. Though I have a rep to keep up, I still do care about a person's mental well-being.

"Needing a friend," Hannah states as though I ought to understand it.

"If she needs a shoulder to cry on, I volunteer Kate," I say truthfully. I've never been the type of girl that Juliette needs in a friend.

"Actually, I think the call on this one is for tough love. Done with _real_ sensitivity," she says, shrugging. You've got to be kidding me!

I snort softly. "That you _know_ I don't do," I reply.

"You do it in group all the time, Shelby. You seem to have a talent for pushing all the right buttons," she shoots back, not buying what I say. She smiles then leaves me to make up my decision.

I look over to the others doing kitchen clean-up. So, it is Queenie. But then again, it's kitchens… and I'd be in major shit if I didn't do it. Hannah would be disappointed with me. Whatever. I'll do it… I get out of kitchens, right?

I smirk as I start to take off my gloves ostentatiously.

"I," I say, catching their attention, "am out of here," I finish up, throwing my gloves at them. They all look at the gloves, then at me.

"No, uh, this is called _group_ clean-up," Auggie points out, actually pointing at the dishes. Dude, I know what clean-up encompasses.

"You can't leave," Scott says challengingly. Want to challenge Hannah on that one, hun?

"Not till we're done," Ezra adds. See? That's where you're wrong.

I grab the edges of my apron and bring them to the front. "Hmmm, guys, guys, guys," I sigh. "I'm on a rescue mission." I start to take off the apron. "You may resume whining once I'm out of sight. Oh, and save me some ice cream. I'll be back," I add with a smile. I put the apron on the counter and watch them all look disappointed.

Auggie grabs a rag from the counter and throws it at me. I recoil as it hits my arms. "Geez," I say, shaking the cold, dirty water off my arm. With that, I walk out of the cafeteria, then out of the lodge and am on my way to the girls' dorm.

As I reach the door, I see Hannah. Oh, god, what now? Pointers? "Now, be nice, and try to get her out of this funk. Oh, and I'll make sure you guys remain alone, but if I hear screaming or anything wrong, I'll come in immediately," she warns.

"I'll be good," I say sarcastically, rolling my eyes. I walk in. It's quiet. This is weird, the dorm is _never_ quiet. I see Princess in her bed, lying sideways, with her back turned to me. I lean on the frame of the divider and cross my arms. Here we go. I clear my throat, but she doesn't move. "Cut the act, you're not sleeping," I say confidently. Really, it would be quite funny if she was, but under the circumstance, I somehow doubt it immensely. "I _said_ you're not sleeping," I say a little louder, walking towards her bed. I reach into my breast pocket and pull out a cigarette. "Want a smoke?" I ask casually, sticking my cigarette in my mouth.

"No," she answers. Damn, she is awake. Now I have to fix her. 

"Good. They're bad for you." I sit down on her bed, looking in the direction of her feet. I sigh and pull out my lighter. "So what's this all about, anyway?" I ask. "Finally met your match in the 'be thin to win' competition," I ask, smiling the whole time. Luckily she can't see me, or she'd have a fit.

"I don't want to talk about it," she says, getting slightly angry. God! I have to help you out until you do, so you will talk about it.

"Two words," I say exasperatedly, taking the cigarette out of my mouth. I turn to her, "Get a grip!" I look up at the ceiling. Get. A. Grip… "Okay, make that three." My bad. I put the cigarette back in my mouth.

"You don't understand," she replies, as I try to light my cigarette. Damn, why won't this work?

"So enlighten me," I say, with it still in my mouth.

"Something happened to me," she finally says. I give up on getting the lighter to work and pull the cigarette out of my mouth.

"Was it a good thing or a bad thing?" I ask slowly and mockingly.

"A life-altering thing," she corrects.

"Great, so your life's altered," I state. Wonderful. "Like I can really see some improvement here. You're acting like the same old 'poor me' twig you always do," I say harshly, giving the cigarette another chance. I _really_ need this nicotine right now.

"They're going to take her away," she says. I roll my eyes, sit up and turn around on the bed to face her, grabbing the cigarette out of my mouth.

"They who? She who?" I ask, though I think I know the answers to these.

"The girl I found. My friend," she says. Oh. My. God.

"Your… friend," I say, confirming, but smiling all along. "Listen Jule, I've seen the dead. Trust me, once they're dead, they're no longer your friend," I say, sharing my bit of knowledge with her, images of Patty rushing back to me.

"You don't understand," she says impatiently. More than you know, hunny. More than you know. "Just go away and leave me alone," she whines. Oh, a reaction. Fun!

"Uh huh. There it is: the new, life-altered Juliette," I state mockingly. She turns so she's lying on her back, looking at me angrily. However, the whole effect at intimidation is ruined by the fact that she's holding a stuffed bear, making her look like the scared little girl she really is… we both are.

"Why are you in my face?" she asks.

"Because I take joy in provoking people," I practically whisper, my eyes narrowing considerably. She sits up, as I add, "Call it a vice. Call it a virtue," I add, while she's sitting up and looking at me. Then my face falls as I see that she's really scared.

"I'm a mess," she simply states. Then her face contorts and she looks like she's about to cry. "Why am I a mess?" she asks, verging on hysteria.

I half-smile. "Good question," I say softly. "That's why we're here." Wow, I'm surprising myself with the sensitivity. "Things could always get worse," I say, seeing an opportunity to brighten the mood. "Like turning into a size 14!" I say mockingly. She gives me a smile and a little laugh. Well at least she thinks I'm funny. "Okay, I gotta go. Kitchen clean-up," I say, as I get up.

She nods and lies back down. "Thanks."

I open the door to leave and am confronted with Hannah and Peter. I'm startled to see Peter there, but recover quickly, closing the door behind me. I walk right up to them, smile, shrug, and walk off, back to the lodge.

"Well?" they both say at the same time once I'm about five feet away from them.

I turn around to face them. "I got a glare out of her… and a smile," I add with a smile of my own. "I've had worse therapy sessions," I say with a smirk and a raise of the eyebrow. They both give me a look I can't quite decipher so I turn and go back to the lodge.

When I walk in the cafeteria, my group is sitting at one of the tables eating ice cream. I walk up to them, eager to get some of my own. I stay standing, leaning on the back of one of the chairs.

"How'd it go?" Kat asks. I shrug.

"She's cool." I look down at the ice cream. "Mmm, I'm just way too good for you guys," I say, sitting down. I pick up my spoon, but put it down two seconds later. Looking around at them, I say sarcastically, "Oh, gee, sorry, guys. I guess I missed cleanup, huh?" I look down at the bowl and pick up my spoon. "Ah, is this chocolate sauce?" I ask.

"Chocolate," Auggie confirms, as I take a bite. Scott snorts, as this disgusting taste hits me.

"Chocolate-soy sauce," Scott corrects, laughing. As everyone else joins in on the laughter, I bend over to try and swallow this shit.

"Not bad," Daisy says, taking some more. "I've never tried it with soy sauce before," she adds, taking some of mine.

"That's disgusting," Auggie says, as everyone sits back, pushing that crap away from them.

"So, whose brilliant idea was it?" I ask curiously.

"Mine!" Scott says proudly.

  
"Go figure," I say, punching him on the arm.

"Come on, guys. We have class," Kat says.

"Party pooper," Daisy says, as we all get up to go get our books.

**************************************************************************************

"The tradition of smudging goes back many, many generations. Let the fragrant smoke of the four sacred herbs -- sage, sweetgrass, cedar, and tobacco -- wash over you and cleanse you physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so that your thoughts are pure and your hearts are free," Aaron explains. 

We're all gathered at the totem pole. It's a funeral ceremony for the bones that Queenie found in the woods. He's passing this smoking bowl around, and we're to fan the smoke over our heads and onto our chests. This is ridiculous if you ask me, but I go along with it, out of respect. Daisy's really into it, it's kind of funny.

We all separate as Juliette comes through the crowd, and goes up to the front where Peter and the other counselors are.

"Chief Seattle believed that the dead spirits would remain among the living watching over them, protecting them. This girl, be she ancestor or friend, is one of those protectors. We have returned her to her resting place and we bless her," Aaron continues.

"We also remember that she was someone's child, lost to her mother and to her father. I'm sure they looked for her and mourned for her. Their loved one gone but not forgotten. Today we remember her and them and the continuation of life's mystery," Peter says. Wow, life's a mystery, what an understatement.

Peter looks at Princess, she smiles and moves up, in front of us.

"Hannah found this for me. It's from Mark Twain. He wrote it for his daughter when she died. 

Warm summer sun, 

shine kindly here. 

Warm southern wind, blow softly here. 

Green sod above, lie light, lie light. 

Good night, dear heart, good night."


	14. Crossroads

"Oh wonderful! Another sex ed. class with Jeff," I sigh, getting up from the breakfast table. 

"Come on, he's not _that_ bad," Queenie says.

"Princess, he couldn't get the word _vagina_ out the other day," I say, laughing.

"He really is uncomfortable. I figure that will never result in weird questions or assignments," Daisy added.

"Yeah, the worst thing is those delusional projects they use to try to teach the results of sex," I say. Funny enough, I already know all too much on the subject. It's almost funny… _almost_.

"Well, come on, we gotta get to class on time either way," Ezra says, getting up and putting his dishes on the counter.

"Follow the leader," I say mockingly, getting up and picking up my books. "Here goes another day at Horizon, excuse me, Camp _Fun_."

"Would you rather be back home?" Scott asks pointedly.

"You don't know jack shit about back home or what I want," I say under my breath, leading the other Cliffhangers out of the cafeteria in a huff.

The bright sun blinds me for a minute as we walk out to the gazebo. Peter told us to meet Jeff here for class this morning. Wonderful! Fun in the great outdoors.

"Alright, we'll start with the lesson then," Jeff says once we're all there. Only Kate's not taking this class, she did it last year. "Sit down, the grass is dry, it hasn't rained in a while." We sit and look up at him.

"So what new and scintillating information are we going to be absorbing today?" I ask sarcastically.

"Well, I'm glad you asked Shelby, you'll be in a little skit I had prepared," he says enthusiastically.

"Skit?" Scott asks. I look back at him, sitting there with Juliette and roll my eyes.

"And, Scott, you can be our other player. It's all about sex," he says, stuttering slightly at the word. Hey, if this thing has to do with Scott and sex, I'm all for it!

"What… uh… do we have to do?" Scott asks, obviously uncomfortable.

  
"Have sex here and now, come on, Scott, keep up," I say sarcastically, snapping my fingers at him. Juliette shoots me a cold glare, but I warm her up with a sunny smile and a wink.

"Shelby, that's not what you're going to do," Jeff says, stepping in.

"Colour me disappointed," I say, deadpan expression solidly in place. I can just see Auggie rolling his eyes at me.

"Here's what I want you two to say," he says, handing us each a sheet of paper with lines written down.

"You know, Jeff, I'm all for improv," I suggest.

"I'm not, stick to the lines," Scott cuts in.

"Party pooper," I mutter. I check out my lines. Not too bad. After a minute, Jeff asks us to play it out. Scott straddles the bench and I do the same in front of him. He takes a deep breath, leans forward, and begins.

"Been checkin' you out lately," he says, avoiding my eyes. I smirk and lean forward too.

"It's about time," I say. Our faces our now inches apart. I'm loving this!

"So, I was thinking that… uh… you and I could hook up later." He's _so_ uncomfortable.

"You mean like," I bow my head, "um, sex?" I say, trying to contain my smile.

He nods, "yeah, maybe."

"Sounds good to me," I say, letting that grin out. God! This is my idea of sex ed.!

Everyone starts clapping, and Auggie screams out. I look down, trying to collect myself. Scott leans back and points at me.

"If she's gonna keep doing this," he says, referring to my suggestive smiling, "you can count me out of your little experiment, Jeff."

"Alright, alright, you two can come down now," he says from the bench he was sitting on. We both climb off the bench, jumping down, off the gazebo floor and joining our fellow Cliffies on the grass. "Very nice… uh… authenticity, Scott, Shelby," he says as I sit down next to Auggie.

"Can't even keep your hormones in check. Even for a class project, huh?" he asks me.

"Can't help it if they have a mind of their own," I reply, taking my binder out.

"That wasn't _exactly_ what I was trying to accomplish here. But uh you get the general idea. Sex is a very powerful thing, but sex also has consequences," Jeff tries to teach.

"Blah blah blah blah," Auggie says. "If god really wanted us to 'just say no,'" he says, doing the air quotes, "I mean, why did he make it feel so good?" Good point. I'm all for that one!

"Well, I for one am all for total abstinence," Juliette says. I roll my eyes at her. Good luck with that one!

"Abstinence is good," Daisy says darkly. "There's already too many hungry children in the world."

"I'm afraid you're all missing the point," Jeff intervenes.

"I think maybe they should experience it first hand," Peter says, arriving with eggs. Eggs? "You mind?"

"No, no, not at all," Jeff says. "I was just about to suggest the same."

"Eggs are a little _kinky_, don't you think, Peter?" I ask.

He looks down at them. "Not the way you'll be using them, Shelby." Damn it! We never get any fun around here! "These little guys here are going to represent kids." You've got to be kidding me! I hate these stupid projects!

"Hello, abstinence girl here," Queenie says. "This won't work with my lifestyle." You've _got_ to be fucking kidding me!

"Well your new lifestyle includes a one night stand. Now you're single mother to a five year old," he says, tossing her an egg, "struggling on twenty thousand a year."

"Ew, only twenty thousand?" she asks. Go figure she'd protest the money and not the relationship.

"Yep," he says. He walks by, up to Scott and Auggie. "And Scott, you and Auggie," he pauses to think, "you're a high powered gay couple wanting desperately to adopt a child."

"Hey yo!" Auggie cuts in.

"You've gotta be kidding me," Scott says.

"This ain't gonna work, man," Auggie continues.

"No, I'm not kidding. We're gonna meet in a day or two, and you two are gonna tell me why you deserve a child. Just think, your grade depends on it," he adds to the rest of us. "That's usually a good motivator, huh?"

I throw my head back, laughing. I can hardly breathe, this is _so_ funny! Though I wouldn't have minded being paired up with Scott.

"And Ms. Merrick," he says, facing me.

"Yeah?" I ask, looking up at him.

"You and Mr. Freidkin are a newly married yuppie couple. Parents of, uh," he says picking out eggs, "newborn twins." He hands me the eggs, but Ezra grabs them. I got landed the shit group!

"Oh, no, no!" I say, sitting up and looking at him very seriously. "See what happened to the old fashioned drawing a name from a hat?"

"Yes! There is a god!" Ezra says, holding the eggs.

"You're both full-time career people with approximately combined incomes of sixty thousand dollars a year pre-tax."

"That's not enough money to flee the country," I say honestly.

"I'm sure you'll make it work," he says with a smile. God, I want to scream!

"They look just like their mother," Ezra teases, sounding like he's on cloud nine. Why does he have such a crush on me? I did nothing to lead him to this! I look at him sadly and disappointedly, close my eyes and look away. God damn it Peter! You just love to get under my skin! Does he really think this'll make me trust him?

"Daisy… um…" he says, moving onto his next victim. He closes the egg carton. "You are…"

"You can say it," she says solemnly.

"You're childless."

"I'm barren!" she corrects.

"I'm very sorry about that, but I would like to know your feelings on the subject. Two pages by Friday." Now why did she get off easy? I'd rather write an essay any day! "The rest of you, these are your children. Never leave more than arm's reach away, not for even a moment. You must keep them warm, safe, and if you crack your child, your grade's gonna suffer. Got it? I want these family budgets and child care plans filled out by Friday," he says, handing out some sheets. "And, uh, Shelby," he says getting my attention and handing me my sheet. "And anything else? Alright. Good luck!" he adds, dismissing us. I officially hate him for giving us this project!

I get up and walk away, Ezra staying close. Ew! Gotta shrug him off!

We all walk off to the lodge. It's our spare, and until lunch, there's really nothing to do.

And Ezra definitely wants to get started on this project. Daisy and Jules leave for the dorm after picking up some yearbooks and books on being childless, respectively. I grab a magazine lying on the table and fling myself onto a couch. Ezra sits down on the coffee table and stares at me.

"What?" I ask harshly.

"Hunny," he says, cocking his head to the side, "don't fight in front of the kids!"

"_Don't_ call me _hunny_!" I spit out from between clenched teeth.

"Darling?"

"Ezra!"

"My love! Don't get mad!" he says. I get up, glaring at him, and pitch the magazine back on the table, speed walking away. He follows me

"Don't leave me! The kids need to know their mother!" he cries out. I get several looks from some guys in other groups. One of the Trackers looks disappointed: he's had a crush on me since day one. I walk away. At least I lose Ezra once I leave the lodge.

But all good things come to an end. Seconds later, he's outside, running after me. I walk as fast as I can to the girls' dorm. 

As I enter I yell out "mutant on deck!" I turn around as I sense him right behind me. "Urgh! Look, I told you!" I say menacingly, grabbing the front of his jacket. He backs off and starts walking backward, out of the dorm, as I follow him threateningly. "I'm going through this whole post-mort-mommy thing. So, unless you want me to scramble them right here," I say, pushing him out the door, "I suggest you take them for the night." With that, I close the door in his face. Phew! That'll take care of him… for now.

"Hunny!" I hear through the door. You've got to be kidding me. "We still need to discuss the sleeping arrangements," he says. He's doing this on purpose.

"Go _away_ Freakin'!" I yell back.

"You're gonna have to learn how to spell our last name sooner or later," he teases. I hate him so much!

"Go away!" I yell back. This is harassment. I sit down on my bed and cross my legs. Maybe this is all a horrible nightmare and I'll wake up any moment.

"At least you know the joy of having kids," Daisy says from her side of the dorm. I look up unenthusiastically. "Try being childless."

"I am trying," I say honestly. Kat gets up and grabs her bag and her coat. "Where're you headed?"

"The center."

"Gee, Kat, you've brown-nosed so much, you just get to come and go as you please," I point out. So I'm being particularly bitchy, Peter's fault. "Guess I need to learn to suck up more," I wonder aloud.

"Really? Cause I thought you had the whole kissing thing down," she snaps back. Ouch. That cut deep. I smirk back. "See ya Jules."

"So what are you gonna do about Hank?" Princess asks.

"I'll come up with something," she says, leaving. I fall back on my bed and put my hands under my pillow. I take a deep sigh. Juliette's busy, and Daisy's got headphones on, so I'm left alone.

**************************************************************************************

After lunch, we all end up in the lodge for our break. Juliette, Scott, and Auggie are all trying to sort out their crazy triangle. This one's not gonna last at all. I can't wait for Scott to be single so I can make my move!

It's a little hard to think these beautiful thoughts with Ezra pressuring me to help him out with the budge report thing. I finally have enough of it, get up, and walk away.

"I can't care for both of them myself!" he says exasperatedly, following me. I stop and turn around.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you, Freakin', but the probability of the two of us, sitting down, hashing this out—" I look him up and down. "—it's not gonna happen."

He looks disappointed. "Well, I could… I could try to care for them. But you've got the whole breast feeding mechanism. I just don't think I can compete."

"Do you now see why I'm willing to fail this project?" I ask, totally honest, no sarcasm present.

He looks sad, and follows me as I leave. Why won't he just leave me alone?

**************************************************************************************

Nothing happens in Chem, or at dinner. I pretty much avoid or shoot daggers at Ezra. I think he got the message. I'm just scared about how long it'll take for him to start trying again. No one's really talking tonight, and Peter must be busy, because we're not having group tonight.

**************************************************************************************

Nothing really happens the next morning, though after breakfast, as I'm heading off to class, Ezra catches up with me.

"Hunny, the kids won't even know your name!" he whines.

"You call me hunny one more time—" I start yelling.

"Shh!" he says, covering the eggs with his hand. "Not in front of the twins." I huff angrily and turn around to see a pair of lost-looking parents.

"Excuse me, can I help you?" I ask, suddenly very polite. I love my dipolarness.

"Uh, yes, could you tell us where we might find Peter Scarbrow's office?" the man asks.

"Uh, yah, it's over that way," I say, pointing behind them. I take a quick glance at Ezra and then the idea dawns on me. "I'd be happy to show you," I add and walk off, leading them to the leader's office. I turn back, and give Ezra a smug smile.

I lead them all the way to his door, lean against the frame, and knock. He comes and opens it the door.

"Hey Peter, you got company," I point out.

"Mom," I hear someone say. I look in, and there's Kat. "Dad." Say _what_? Did she, Kat, a black girl, just call these two, white adults, her parents? So Kate's adopted… very interesting.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cabot," Peter greets, opening the door for them.

"Thank you," Mrs. Cabot says. I smile at them as they walk by.

"I'm sure you have something better to do," he whispers, closing the door.

"Mom, dad," I say to myself, working it all out. "Okay," I say. "Whatever." I walk away. Back to my fellow inmates… back to Ezra. I shudder at the thought.

Oh, I'm so skipping French! Who needs French anyway? It's not like I'm ever going to become a translator or anything. I go out to the basketball court and find a group of Rivergliders boys playing.

"Hey! Can I join in?" I ask, setting my binder down.

"Sure," Sean says, throwing me the ball. "You'll be with me and Jake. Charlie and Tom are together."

"Sounds good," I reply. We start playing. A minute later, I end up with the ball at the far side of the court and decide to take a shot at the net. I shoot and… swish! "Nothing but net," I say.

Ezra pops up beside me. "You got one minute," I say, running to catch the ball.

"Alright, you agree that Peter's pretty serious about this project," he says.

I throw the ball to Jake. "Yeah, so what?" I ask, not seeing the connection. Peter's pretty serious about a lot of things, and I don't do them…

"So, why not take the high road at this point? Surprise him?" he says, as I push Tom back.

"By what? Playing family with you?" I ask, catching the ball.

"Exactly, this way you score some major brownie points. Maybe even accumulate enough to get off this insipid hill, venture into town once in a while." Tom's back in my face, but this time I just hand him the ball.

"Nice passing," Jake says sarcastically. I totally ignore him and walk over to where Ezra's standing.

"You mean, like, get Katie status, minus the soap opera?" I ask.

"That's what I'm saying," he answers.

"So, uh," I say, grabbing the carton of eggs, "where do you want these kids to go to school?" With that I walk off, knowing he'll be two steps behind.

**************************************************************************************

Nothing happens for the rest of the day. Ezra and I play parents to eggs, making me feel like an idiot, but nothing remarkable. We fought over sending the kids to boarding school for an hour before Peter came and told us to go to bed.

That night, after dinner, we come back to the lodge to find Kate, lying on her bed, in her clothes, perfectly still. Juliette tries to talk to her, but she doesn't respond. We all get changed, but she doesn't move.

I just give up and go into the bathroom to brush my hair and teeth and wash my face. As I'm getting ready to go, Juliette walks in.

"She had some big blowout with her parents," she says. "Didn't even go to dinner."

"Well, I heard she got busted with Hank," I add. "In Peter's house."

"No way! Peter must've lost it," she whispers incredulously.

"Of course he did. He had to witness his little pet's fall from grace. She might not even graduate."

"Maybe we should go talk to her," Queenie suggests.

"And say what? 'You should've waited till after graduation to screw up'?" I ask sarcastically.

"You could at least pretend to be human sometimes," she says. "We have to do something, she's totally shutting down in there."

"This is what Peter lives for, let him deal with it." She gives me a look and walks away. I roll my eyes and follow her, knowing, but refusing to admit, that she's right.

Juliette walks over to Kate's bed and sit down beside her. "Katherine, do you want to talk about it?"

"Just give her some space," Daisy says, going into the bathroom.

"We can get a message to Hank if you want us to," she continues.

"Lame-o attempt Princess," I sigh. "Kat, you brought this on yourself, but you're smart enough to know that, so why'd you really do it?" I ask, trying to push the right buttons.

She doesn't say anything, but reaches up and turns off her light.

"Alright, I don't need to be told twice," I say, going over to my bed and lying down. She doesn't even get up to go change.

**************************************************************************************

The next morning, when I get up, I look over to Kat's bed, and she's still lying there, same position as yesterday. She hasn't even changed her clothes. She doesn't seem to be sleeping, so I say "hey, Kat, you alright?" No response. "Guess not."

"Has she been there all night?" Juliette asks.

I shrug as I get up. "How should I know? I've been sleeping all night." One of the few times that's actually happened too. I walk into the bathroom to take my shower and change.

I wonder what happened to her. She's usually so stable. I get the water running; it always takes so long to get the hot water. She's totally shut down. It's ridiculous and frankly kind of scary. If Kate can't deal with something after two years, how are we all supposed to? I've only been here about two and a half months. I have a sneaky suspicions it's not gonna get better. I take my clothes off and jump in the shower, letting the hot water sting as it runs off my body.

Nothing's going to get better until I can get clean… and that day will _never_ come. It'll never come because no one gives more than a rat's ass about me. All I want is to be accepted, but they're all too stuck in their little worlds to notice it. Maybe I just have to get used to being alone.

Whatever, I think as I get out of the shower and grab a towel. I dry myself off, pull on my clothes, and towel dry my hair. While my hair's drying, I brush my teeth and apply the small amount of make-up I'm allowed to wear. Peter's so anal about his chemical products. I mean, none of us are actually suicidal. The only thing we really have to be careful about in our dorm is sharp objects.

Finally, I brush out my dry hair and go off into the dorm. Juliette calls the bathroom and runs in. as she's getting ready, Daisy's packing her bag for the day, so I decide to do the same. 

It's now Wednesday morning, so I have…Bio, spare, lunch, then sex ed. and finally… drum roll please Calc! Beautiful!

While I'm getting my timetable in order, Juliette finishes up with the bathroom and Daisy goes in. she's usually really quick, so we'll be out of here in minutes.

"Come on, Kate, it's time to get out of bed," Princess says. She doesn't budge.

"Kat, come on, we need to get going," I say, eager to leave the dorm. She doesn't answer. "you know, this ignoring thing is getting old, fast."

"Shelby, be nice," Juliette says.

"Bite me," I snap back.

"Guys, stop being stupid. Kat, the bathroom's all yours," Daisy says. "No, answer alright." She grabs her bag and leaves. Daisy's always really quick at getting out of here. Then again, I think she's figured out that the best food is the first food.

That's when I see Peter walk in for his daily morning rounds. "Maybe you can get her to move," I say, looking over at her.

"What's going on?" he asks.

"She won't get up," Queenie says.

"Katherine," he says, walking up to her bed. She, of course, doesn't answer. "Kat," he repeats, sitting down beside her. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me."

"Well, looks like you've got everything under control," I say, getting up and grabbing my bag, swinging it over my shoulder. "We're out of here," I add as Jules and I start leaving.

"Hold on, hold on, you know the rules. One down, you're all down."

"You've gotta be kidding me," this is turning into a theme this week, "we had nothing to do with this," I say. "Daisy's already gone." I'm starving, and even though the food here tastes like rubber, it's food!

"Doesn't matter, you're a team," he says. "Katherine has to remember that her actions affect everyone."

"Thanks a lot, Kat. Popularity's really starting to bite," I say, putting my bag down and flopping down on my bed.

"Come and get me as soon as she talks," he says to Princess. She nods and walks over to Kat's bed and rubs her arm.

Seconds later, she starts pacing and ends up leaning against the wall beside my bed, filing her nails. She is such a ditz!

I pull out a magazine and start flipping through it. What really sucks is that if she doesn't get up soon, we don't get breakfast!

Suddenly Sophie, that woman who was here when Gracie got lost walks in. I've seen her around campus, but I didn't know she was working here.

She motions for us to leave, and we all jump up and run out before she has a chance to change her mind.

Juliette and I sprint out to the cafeteria, and grab a plate. We have five minutes to eat before Bio starts.

"Where've you two been, I thought you were nearly done," Daisy says, as we sit down at the table.

"Kat didn't get up and Peter made us wait around!" Juliette explains.

"I can't believe you got out in time," I huff, gulping down some cereals.

"Why isn't she getting up?" Scott asks.

"Oh, she had this huge blowout with her parents," Juliette explains. "Got caught with Hank in Peter's house."

"Oh, that's rough," Auggie sighs.

"Come on, guys, we've got bio."

"Oh, I can't wait," I sigh, gulping down the last bit of cereals. "Shit, I forgot my bag in the dorm. I'll meet you guys in class."

I run off to the dorm. Oh, look at that, Kat's gone. Apparently Sophie can do something. I grab my bag and run off for a fun morning of bio.

**************************************************************************************

As bio finishes, I grab the eggs from my desk and go to join Ezra in the lodge to finish up our project. We have to finish the budget report and childcare plans for this afternoon. We're so screwed.

"So, uh, what's wrong with sending the kids to boarding school?" I ask, sitting down, and looking around. Thank god no one sees me talking to him.

"We can't afford it. Anyway, that's like sending them to camp and you remember how miserable camp was." I wish I did, it would've gotten me out of the house… away from _him_.

"Come on, me? Camp?" I ask, smiling bitterly.

"Yeah, you're right. Well, trust me, kids are better off at home, listening to us argue all day."

"I still vote for shipping them out," I say glumly.

"Why are you so ready to get rid of 'em so fast?" he asks.

"Because I'm not exactly gonna win any mother of the year awards."

"There you go again. You're selling yourself short. I pray that our kids have just an ounce of your strength." Right, so you want your kids to have massive walls and not be able to open up to anyone?

"Yeah, well, uh, don't waste your prayers. It'll save us a lot of money on therapy sessions," I say.

That's when he leans over and grabs the eggs. What the hell does he think he's doing?

"That's it. I am not gonna have the kids around your negative attitude," he says exasperatedly. He gets up and adds, "_This_ just isn't gonna work." Ouch, harsh. I'm being dumped by _Ezra_?

"You can't just take them and go!" I yell as he leaves. "Ezra!" I breathe out frustrated, following him.

I can't find him, when I leave the lodge. And at lunch he's no where to be seen.

"Hey, guys, have you seen Ezra?" I ask, sitting down at the table.

"Nope. Why? Finally came to your sense and decided EZ was the right guy for you?" Scott teases.

"Shut up. We have a project, remember?" I point out.

"Whatever," he says, rolling his eyes.

Later on, as we walk off to the gazebo for sex ed., Ezra's still not around. I'm going down. _Way_ down.

We all sit down on the grass; Peter and Jeff are on the bench.

"Scott, Auggie, you guys are first," Jeff says. The two guys get up and go up in front of the gazebo.

"Okay, guys, let's hear your report," Peter says.

"Alright," Auggie says. "Nobody gets a handbook on raising kids, be it straight or gay. So, uh, what makes them better than us? Well, I can't seem to think up nothin'."

"The only guarantee is that there will always be unwanted children who desperately need homes," Scott continues. Hear hear! "Now, uh, if we're willing to provide them with a stable, loving environment, we don't see a problem."

Jeff and Peter talk for a second.

"Congratulations, gentlemen, you just adopted your first child," Peter says, as Jeff throws them an egg. Scott catches as Auggie laughs. They go to hug or whatever, but then realize who the other is and back off. Silly boys.

"Juliette," Jeff says.

She walks up to where the boys were and starts.

"Well, the bad news is I didn't find a father for my baby. But the good news is I realized I don't need one. At least in the sense of taking care of my child. Hey, I've, had, uh, a lot of fathers. So, I guess I'll just look for a second job, or pray for a trust fund from one of my dads," she says.

"Okay," Jeff says.

"Good," Peter adds.

"And, uh, I'd appreciate it if you could take your flyers down now," Jeff adds. She smiles and turns around to get one of those. God! Those things were so annoying. They were _everywhere_!

"Shelby," Peter says. This is the moment I've been dreading. Ezra didn't even show up for class. I get up and face them. "You seem to be minus a family."

"Uh, well," I stutter, as he gives me this disappointed look, "um, I." This is where I see Ezra pop up behind them.

"Honey, I'm home," he says cheerfully. I'm going to kill him later, but for now, I fake a smile. "Car trouble," he explains to Peter.

"Oh," Peter says. I'm standing there with my hands on my waist and Ezra slips under one of my arms so that my arm is now around his shoulder. "I was beginning to think you were having problems."

"Problems? No!" Ezra says, as he pulls me closer. "The kids were a little cranky this morning, so I had to change their diapers… twice."

"So, how'd you do?" Peter asks.

"Since we're a two-career family, we decided to budget for a nanny," he says. Oh, he thinks well on his feet. Here he taps my hip where his hand is resting. I laugh in a 'you're going to die soon' way.

"Uh, this way, we will be able to spend more quality time with the kids, and um, we won't have to send them to a boarding school," I say looking at Ezra and smiling.

"Very good Shelby, good work," Peter says. Thank you! Thank you very much. It took a lot of hard work! I look over to Ezra and he's smiling stupidly. I put my hand on his head, and push him back under my arm, walking back to the grassy area.

"So, uh," Peter says, getting up and walking in front of us, "I, uh, think a few good points were made. Some things were learned. The kids can come back to roost. And, uh," he says as Daisy gets up to hand in her report. 

"Here, my observations on being childless," she says handing it in.

"Daisy, these pages are empty," Peter clarifies.

"So am I," she replies. Wow, if she gets away without having done her work, I'm going to be so mad! Peter sees Jeff walking up with the carton of eggs and makes a head motion.

"Daisy?" he asks, she turns around to look at him, "Um, we got a second opinion," he says.

"I'm not barren?" she asks, actually happy. Wow, Daisy, happy… wait! She's getting away with it!

"As many as you want," Jeff says, handing her the carton. She looks at Peter and he nods so she takes the whole carton and sits down.

"Alright," Jeff says, sitting down and collecting the budgets and childcare plans.

"Wait, so Daisy didn't do a report, and she gets off easy?" I ask

"Emotional distress," she replies under her breath.

"Shelby, how would you have liked to be barren?" Jeff asks.

"I would've liked that very much!" I say. "Very much, indeed." Another lie. I really have to fix this.


	15. Worlds Apart

__

Author's Note: Sorry this chappy's so short. There's honestly only one scene with Shelby in the entire episode, so most of it's made up… and late at night for that matter. I hope you all enjoy it anyway. Next time it's Seduction, the best of the best! Many reviews, please!

"This week was insane!" Juliette says, bright and early Saturday morning, as we all leave the dorm and head off to the cafeteria for breakfast.

"Lots of drama," Daisy says.

"So true, well, the weekend's finally here," I conclude.

"Oh, guys, Auggie's leaving. He's going home for a while, I'm just gonna go say bye, I'll see you guys in a minute," Queenie says, running off to go see him off.

"Is it just me, or is she totally transparent?" I ask. Kat gives me a dirty look and walks in the cafeteria.

"Transparent," Daisy confirms.

"Thank you!" I yawn, walking into the cafeteria with Daisy. "Wonder what kind of beautiful feast they're serving us today," I wonder while standing in the breakfast line with Kat and Daisy. We all grab our food and make for the table. "Uh, where's the rest of the Brady bunch?" I ask Ezra as we sit.

"Auggie's leaving, Scott's on wood chopping duty. They had to get up early," he explains.

"So did you, apparently," Daisy says, noticing his finished breakfast.

"I saw Auggie off," he says with a glint in his eye.

"I don't wanna know," I mumble, trying to force the rubbery food down.

"Hey guys! Isn't Auggie lucky? Gets to be going home for a weekend," Juliette sighs happily, sliding into a chair.

"I wish you'd go home," I say under my breath.

"Shelby!" Kat warns.

"What? Are you a counselor now?" I ask, looking at her, and smirking. She just rolls her eyes and turns back to her food.

"Cliffhangers!" Peter says, popping right up next to us.

"Yes, my master?" I ask, smiling up at him. He chooses to ignore me. Fine, be that way!

"I've got some investors coming in from New York tomorrow, so I'd like you four," he says, pointing out all the girls in the group, "to hang a banner in the lodge."

"Why us? Why don't the guys do it?" I ask.

"Auggie's gone, and Scott's in the wood shed for the morning," he explains. "Enjoy. The banner's in the lodge, on the balcony." With that he walks away.

"Did feminism happen?" I ask sarcastically, looking around.

"Sucks to be you," Ezra says, getting up and leaving. Yeah, it really does. We all finish our breakfasts, and make for the lodge, slowly but surely. Sadly, it's not across campus, but in the next room.

"I call staying down here and telling you three how to hang!" Daisy calls.

"I officially hate you," I say. She flashes a bright grin at me, and waves her hand. I follow Jules and Kat up the stairs to the balcony.

We grab the banner and fling it over the side. I'm holding one of the corners, Kate's in the middle, and Jules is on the far side.

"A little more to the left," Daisy calls from the first floor.

"Which left?" Juliette asks. Well, let's see, which left would Daisy be looking at it from?

"My left, of course. The New Yorkers may wanna read this," she says, as I pull my end. "A little professionalism here, I don't wanna be hanging this banner all day." What? You think we do? I'm looking over the edge of the banister, trying to read the sign to see if it works out. "Let's grasp the concept of _up_, people," she says. Kate jerks it up, whacking me slightly in the face.

As we're standing up here, trying to get this stupid thing hung, Daisy talking to Freakin'.

"Is it straight yet?" Juliette asks.

"Down an inch, do you think you can handle that?" Daisy replies. Geez, stop being so bitchy! Wait! That's me! I've taught her well!

We put the banner down a little, as she turns around and starts talking to Freakin. Suddenly she just walks away.

"Hey! Where's Sabrina going?" I ask, bending over the rail. "What'd you say to her, Freakin'?" I add, pointing out the link. He stands there stupidly, holding what seems to be an egg.

When he looks back to us, we all slump down, my arms are hanging over the banister.

"Come on, let's just get this done and over with!" I sigh. Kate pulls up her end and we hang it. "Screw it if this isn't perfect. We're not perfect, so why should our hanging job be?"

"That's not the right approach Shelby!" Kate says as I leave.

"Well, it's the only one I've got."

**************************************************************************************

Nothing else happened for the rest of the day. Honestly, _absolutely_ nothing happened. That night, we had rubbery pizza for dinner, which was surprisingly chewable.

The next day, Sunday, is no better. Peter's New Yorkers came in, were assholes and left. Whatever. I have a feeling this isn't the last of them though.

**************************************************************************************

Monday morning, at breakfast, the guys are no where to be found.

"Guys, what happened to our boys?" I ask, sitting down.

"Community service, I heard Peter talking about it this yesterday on the phone," Kat says.

"Eavesdropper," Daisy says, smiling.

"Wait, what are they doing community service for?" Princess asks.

"Beats me," Kat says.

"Same here," Daisy adds.

"How should I know?" I say when she looks at me. "I hardly know half the stuff going on here half the time," I explain. It's so true, I'm always in the dark. It sucks to no extent!

"I guess we'll find out when they come back," Kat sighs, piling food into her mouth.

**************************************************************************************

Later that night, after a long day of classes and lounging around the lodge doing jack shit, I end up in the dorms with Kat, waiting for the other two crazy kids.

"So, did you find out what they ended up in town for?" Kat asks.

"Nope," I say, reading my English assignment. "Why?" I ask, looking up. "Did you?"

"I was talking to Ezra, and he says Auggie got in trouble at home," she says.

"Okay… and?" I say. 

"They were just picking up trash and came up to this building with a tag on it… you know a big—"

"I know what a tag is, Kat," I cut off. These people really don't know me. God, my motel was tagged at one point. See, when your best friend is a coke addict, dealers get pissed if she doesn't pay up. I've had to deal with some nasty shit over time… it ended up boiling down to Patti and I doing some… stuff for free. I hated her for a long time after that.

"Okay, well, they saw one, and Auggie freaked out."

"So?"

"You do know that Auggie was in a gang right?"

"No, I didn't," I say, totally unenthusiastic. I knew gang members. One of Patti's boyfriends was one. He kind of punched out the novelty.

"Okay, well there's your tidbit of gossip for the night," she says, disappointed that I didn't react the way Juliette did when she told her. I was walking by and heard her gasping and say _No way! Auggie?_ I put two and two together… it's a gift.

**************************************************************************************

The next day after lunch, during spare, I walk into the lodge, seeing Daisy looking pensive.

"What's up with you?" I ask, flopping down into a couch.

"Oh, nothing." My eyes wander to something on the couch.

"Tarot cards?" I ask.

"Yeah, want your fortune told?" she asks mysteriously, cracking a smile. I start laughing.

"You're shitting me, right?" I ask, still laughing. She shakes her head. "No, I don't believe in that fate crap. Look, I got Law, I'll talk to you later," I sigh, grabbing my books.

"Have fun in class," she laughs. I hate the fact that she doesn't have class when I do.

**************************************************************************************

That night, when Juliette walks in, she's crying.

"What happened to her?" Daisy asks.

"Search me," Kat says.

"Don't know, don't care."

It's only the next day that we find out that she and Scott broke up.

My time has come. Watch out Scott, I'm gonna get you!


	16. Seductions

Author's Note: Okay, wow, guys, I am SOOOOOOOOOO sorry it took me so long to get this up. It's been so long. At first, stuff kept coming up, and then I kinda just lost interest, and didn't want to do it, because it would suck if it wasn't done well. I just got a surge of "I wanna watch Higher Ground" today that it was done. Thanks to all my reviewers that I kept in mind while doing this. I hope you like it, and I'll try to get Close Encounters up as soon as I can:D

* * *

"So, you and Princess broke up, huh?" I ask Scott. This morning Kat told us why Juliette was crying last night. 

"Yeah, what's it to you?" he snaps. Oh, it's a _lot_ to me, hunny.

"Oh, just wondering. She was quite… _distraught_ yesterday," I say, pretending to care.

"Don't care," he says with a shrug. He's reading a book, but seems to be more interested in what I have to say. Sounds good to me. This is definitely an improvement.

"Well, if you're interested, let me know," I say, getting up from the couch facing him. I give him a wink when he looks up from his book. After looking back at the pages he decides to reply.

"Not likely." He'll come around. They always do. The only difference is, I want this one. I _really_ want this one.

"It'll never work," Daisy says as I pass by her, leaving the lodge.

"Sure it will. Watch me work my magic," I say, flexing my fingers, and smiling. I haven't been this happy in ages. Scott's single! Nothing could ruin this for me! Nothing. I _will_ have him this time!

* * *

For the past week, it's been an endless succession of me suggestively looking, talking, smiling—anything really—at/to Scott. And every time, he's said no, but it is getting better. At least now I suggest getting together at the _end_ of conversations, so we're actually talking. It's shockingly… nice. I hate that word; it's so overused and has consequently lost all meaning, but it really is _nice_. I actually have fun talking to him… somehow though, I don't get a feeling of that sentiment being reciprocated. I guess he just puts up with me. Fun. I feel so loved. 

Right now, however, a bunch of us are in the lodge, doing homework or just hanging out. There's nothing to do outside, because of this massive thunderstorm going on. Whatever, it all works out for me. Rain can create a somewhat romantic atmosphere. Perfect! God! I hope I'm not pushing it… meh.

Oh! Another thing happened this week, now that I remember. I managed to smuggle some stuff in. I figure Scott can't hold out on me forever. So, I made sure the janitor's shed was left open. I must say, I didn't plan for the rain, but I can deal with this.

As Scott gets up to sharpen his pencil, I walk up to him. Big breath. Breathe. Just breathe.

I lean against the fireplace and look him over. He looks up and doesn't seem too pleased to see me. Shucks.

"How many times do I have to say it?' he asks, exasperated. Oh joy! He's not in a good mood. This is gonna be splendid. Note the sarcasm.

"Maybe till I'm convinced you mean it," I say softly. He looks down and finishes sharpening his pencil then puts that down and starts to walk away. I cut him off. "Hey," I say, getting his attention back.

"You're like a stalker or something, you know that?" he says, frustrated. As if I have that much of an effect on him.

"I only stalk the very best," I reply with a smile and without a hint of faltering.

He turns to look at Ezra. "Why don't you go bother Ezra? He'll be up for it." I look over and see Freidkin trying to woo some random chick.

"Funny how Freidkin's always up for it and you're not, don't you think?" I ask, pointedly I might add. He doesn't budge, so I take it he's not backing down. In which case, I move forward. "I don't know what you're so scared of," I say, inches away.

"Yeah, right," he says, looking straight at me and then averting his eyes.

A smile spreads across my face. "Well, I guess that means I'll see you there then," I say, referring to the janitor's shed at 7:30. It was predetermined and I'd talked to him about it a couple of times. I start moving away and just catch him mumble an "I guess." Well, he may not be too decisive, but he's hot enough to get away with it.

I'm overloaded with joy. This is great! I finally get my chance to prove myself to Scott! After the initial surge of peppy bubbly happiness wears off, I walk smoothly and smugly over to where Juliette is sitting with Daisy.

I lean over on a table, talking to the back of Juliette's head. "Your ex is meeting me in the janitor's shed at 7:30." I then tap the books on the table in a final way and walk off.

Halfway down the hallway to check on the stuff for tonight, the power dies. I shrug. Whatever, it's the janitor's shed, there's no light in there anyway.

When I get to the dorms, I kneel down next to my bed and pull out the cardboard box containing all my contraband. I flip through some of it and check that it's all still there and alright. When I've finally decided that it's fine, I get up, grab a flashlight and head back to the lodge.

As I'm walking down the hall I can hear a lot of people talking quite loudly. It's after dinner, usually there aren't that many people still around the lodge at this time. As I turn the corner into the big room, I almost laugh out loud.

"What the hell is going on?" I ask Daisy as I get nearer our group.

"Well, the dorms are apparently leaking, so we're all sleeping in here," she says, sounding almost bored.

"We are?" I ask, bug-eyed. "_All _of us?" I pause a minute. "_How_?"

"Beats me, but good luck finding room. It's totally pack by the fire." I sigh.

"So… we're just gonna sleep on the floor then?" I ask. "Joy."

"Actually, here," she says, handing me a sleeping bag.

"Oh, thanks," I say, grabbing it. Then we all hear Peter boom over the crowd.

"Alright everybody, listen up. It's gonna be tight in here tonight gang; we're gonna do some re-arranging." I roll my eyes. Somehow I don't see this being a good thing. "Okay? Listen up! I'd like to have the Trackers over here by the fireplace, come on. I want the Sun Dogs, I want the Ridgerunners over here by these sleeping bags. I would like to have the Wind-Dancers of there by those…uh… tables. And the Cliffhangers… by the back door. Come on, everybody. Let's move, let's move," he yells over the masses, pointed to different parts of the lodge. Go figure we get the back door though… and since when did Horizon become such a summer camp, with all the group names and all?

I grab my stuff and move over to where the stairs are, by the back door.

"Why do the Trackers get the fireplace? It's twenty below by the door," Ezra whines.

"Yeah, they're always getting the style, huh?" Auggie adds as we all settle down.

"Oh really?" Peter asks, coming up beside Ezra and Auggie. "That right? Well let's think about this; power's out everywhere, there's no heat, I wonder how we're gonna keep warm in here all night." And it clicks.

"Duh, you guys, the Trackers have to keep the fire going all night," I say in a matter of fact tone... as if they hadn't thought of it already, which they haven't, of course.

Peter stands up, saying "Uh, could I have everybody's attention, please. I believe that the Cliffhangers would like to file a complaint." We all start to protest and Auggie stands up to stop him.

"Uh... we're cool right here, right guys?" he says. And we immediately all chip in with "ya, we're fine," and the like. Stupid Peter, always spinning things in ways that make us think we got it best. That bothers me.

Then, it hits me. This actually is so good for me. "By the back door works good for me," I say, getting up, putting my sleeping bag down, and getting my coat.

I run across the span from the lodge to the dorms, under the cover of darkness, ooh spooky. I run to my bed and grab the box. This is going to be so great! I can't wait to see his face. I can't believe how girly and excited I'm getting; this isn't me. He's got me under some kind of weird spell. What is it about him? He's not that great, well, his looks are, but he treats me like shit. I don't get it, why do I persevere? Whatever, in my heart, some how this is all worth it. Wow, excuse me while I go barf.

I run out of the dorm, grabbing a flashlight on the way out, and dash to the janitor's shed. I open the door slowly, savouring the moment, almost, and then go and knock over a chair. Way to go Shelby, super smooth. I look around and smile. This is gonna be good, I can feel it.

I turn the flashlight on, look around and see the table. I put my box down and get to work. First I move the table to the middle of the room, and take the cot that's up against the wall and set it up, testing the springs. Wow, how does it always have to come back to sex? Why do all my encounters with guys come back to this now meaningless act?

I spray perfume around the room, waving it around, spreading the beautiful smell of cinnamon and vanilla. I spread a sheet over the table, lighting two candles in the middle and sprinkling rose petals across it. I finish setting up the rest of the table, picnic style., with a bouquet of flowers in the middle. Then I put more candles all over the room, carefully lighting them.

Time to get to me. I put my hair up, tying it back with little clips, and I put on a gorgeous black silky dress I got for the occasion. Wonderful, this is just perfect. I love how this is exactly what I want. Romance. Something I haven't' had, or even thought of in years.

I hear a knock on the door and in my most sultry voice call out, "Come in." I swing around the shelving unit that I was dressing behind.

The door opens, this is it. I can't wait.

His hood's up. As he turns around, I say, "Think you can handle a little romantic dinner?"

He starts lifting his hood and my heart stops. Oh. Dear. Lord! It's Ezra! I cover my eyes in shock, and then put my hands over my heart.

"Hunny, you shouldn't have," he says in his annoying voice. Damn it! This was supposed to be so special, and now it's all ruined! I feel the tears well up, and I go behind the shelves to change and hide them.

"You should be thanking me," he says. Ya right! As if that's going to happen any time soon. I take my dress off and put on my clothes all the while.

"For ruining everything?" I fire back. Oh man! I'm going to wring Scott's neck! That asshole! As if he told Ezra to come here!

"For saving your butt," he says. As if that's—wait... what? "Peter's looking for you. We're on kitchens." Shit... I guess it worked out a little then. Still, it would've been so great to have Scott be here.

He's going through all my smuggled stuff. I hate him putting his grubby hands all over everything. He holds up a tea bag. "This has caffeine in it," he says, with a look of wonder on his face. As I put my stuff away he turns to me, "Some day you will have to tell me how you acquire all this contraband." Not likely. I snatch it away, quickly and throw it in the box.

"Keep dreaming," I say, my voice filled with the utter disgust I feel now. I'm so embarrassed. Does Scott really hate me that much that he would just stand me up and put Ezra in his place? What does he think I am? Actually!

"Can I at least sniff it?" he asks, pulling me back to reality as my head spins.

"Just keep your body parts away, thank you!" I snap at him, completely frustrated with his continued presence here.

I turn to the candles, blowing them out. "You could leave the stuff, try later," he says, his tone now sympathetic. It cuts deep. It was easier when I could be mad at him.

"Are you mental? He had his chance and he blew it!" I almost yell. All my shame and hurt is turning to anger... this at least is easier to deal with.

"What if you told him?" Ezra asks. That's the last thing on my mind.

"Scott is never going to find out about this," I say, almost laughing at how ridiculous the suggestion is.

"Why? Because it's... _nice_?" he asks. I really don't want to talk about my feelings now.

"We're not having this conversation."

"It's the same as when you rescued Gracie; you didn't want anyone to know."

"Shut up, Ezra," I say , anger flowing through me.

"If you really don't want this to leak out, bribes are better than threats." I look at him in shock and he has this little smirk on his face. I hate that! But he's right, and I really don't want anyone to know how hard I tried.

I look down at the tea bag in the box and my heart wells up with sadness. All this for nothing, and now Ezra's profiting off it. He points at it, as if I don't know already. I pick it up and toss it at him. He holds it up to his nose and takes a long wiff.

"You can smell caffeine," I say, shaking my head.

"Oh, you are so wrong," he says, a look of intense joy on his face. I roll my eyes, and continue putting stuff away.

"I gotta head back. Thanks for the bribe. Get there fast, or my excuses won't hold you." Before I can ask what they are, he's out of here. I finish packing everything else up, put on my coat, pick up the box, and head back out into the storm. I drop the things off at the dorm, tucking them safely under my bed, before heading back to the kitchens. I hang up my coat outside and grab an apron. Before I open the door and walk in, I take in a deep breath. This is not going to be fun.

I walk up to where Scott's working, slowly but surely, trying to figure out what I'm going to say. "You missed out on a really good time," I say softly, so no one around will hear me.

He looks at me, then at Ezra, then back at me. "Is that why Ezra looks so happy? He took my place," he says, almost laughing at me. He actually thinks I'm a whore. My mind's reeling. What do I say to that. I don't want to let him see how much this is killing me, but I can't just walk away.

"You don't know anything." That's it. That's week. I'm pathetic.

I walk away, and go set up camp alone, at another table. I just can't deal with him anymore. I need something. I can't go on with nothing. This is not possible.

I finish up and go to the bathroom. I sit alone in the stall, just thinking about all the shit going on in my life. I hate how I had to get sent here. I hate how he has so much power over me. I hate everything. Why did everything have to screw up. Why did Walt have to come live with us? Why me? I've asked myself these questions a million times, and they never get answered. Never.

I leave, and head towards the lodge. Might as well just settle in for the night. Maybe I can talk to Daisy.

As I'm just about to walk in, Scott rams into me. Go figure. "Christ, where's the fire cowboy?" I ask, turning around again.

He doesn't say anything, just grabs my arm. I turn around and look at him. What's that supposed to mean? I walk towards him and lean against the wall. Why is he even touching me, let alone coming close to me! I don't understand. This can't be what I think it is, can it? He leans in to kiss me, and it all clicks.

As it gets more intense, one – my mind is reeling, two – I realize we can't keep doing this in the hall.

I push him away softly. "Wait wait," I look over my shoulder, "not here." I take his hand and lead him towards the door. "I have an idea."

We head out and go straight to the boys dorm. We're soaked because of the continuing storm. I take my sweater off to show off a tank top underneath and he takes his shirt off, revealing a white wife beater. Oh god! This is not good for my resolve of having nothing to do with him.

We stand around a little awkwardly for a while. "So... uh, which bed's yours?" I ask, trying to break the ice... again.

"Number four," he said, motioning to the bed nearest us.

We stand around awkwardly for a while, looking around, not at each other. "I guess we could... uh... kick it over there," I mumble slowly.

"I guess," he says with a shrug.

We walk over to the bed and sit down. I see a picture of Scott and some man holding up a trophy, football, I assume. "Who's this?" I ask. Wow, I can't believe I'm here, being able to ask these questions without being shunned or yelled at. This is way too good to be true.

"My dad," he answers.

"You guys look alike." He doesn't say anything, so we sit around for about 30 seconds saying nothing, making me wonder why exactly we're here... why I'm here. This is so shocking, I don't understand this. I've been after him for so long, and suddenly he's here, ready to go. I don't understand why this is suddenly different. What made him change his mind? Shake yourself out of it, Shelby! Enough! Break out of it. Say something. Anything! "You could kiss me." Nice... very intellectual.

It serves its purpose though. He moves closer to me, leans in, and softly kisses me. He pulls away really soon though. I think he's just shy and needs coaxing...

"Actually, you can kiss me more than once." He leans in and we start making out more intensely and continuously. Suddenly my hands are around his neck and in his thick, long, blond hair. I love twirling my fingers in it. He puts his hands around my back and on my legs.

My mind's reeling. This is so surreal. My biggest dream for so long, and it's finally happening.

I think too fast though. He suddenly pulls away and looks down. "What?" I ask. Did I do something wrong? Apparently not, as he's suddenly back to kissing me within seconds, more intensely than before.

Again, he pulls away. He looks down and rubs his hands through his hair. He looks shocked and frustrated and angry. Is this about me? Did I do something? I don't understand.

"What's wrong?" I ask. He's freaking out and doesn't seem to hear me. "Earth to Scott." He doesn't pull back. He's breathing really hard and starting to scare me.

"Get out." He says it so matter-of-factly. So what-are-you-doing-in-my-room tone. I'm shocked, and hurt. He's the one who brought me here! He should be leaving, not me. This is not fair.

"Okay," I say, looking around, and then getting up, frowning, not really understanding what's happening.

I stop and look back at him, as if giving him a final chance. Really, he doesn't deserve this.

"Get out of here! Get out of my head!" he yells. I'm actually starting to get scared he'll get violent. I don't have a clue what's going on, or what he seems to be seeing. Whatever he's on must be kicking in right about now. Man, I'm out of here!

I grab my sweater and head for the door.

I open the door just as he calls out to me. I don't want to hear him say my name like that. It's too hard to push him away. He's going to rope me into his little world, and I'm going to be hurt and abandoned. I don't want this! Why can't he just make up his mind and leave me alone?

"Shelby, please, don't go," he almost begs.

"Scott, you're scaring me," I say pointedly and letting the fear show.

"She's in my head, I can't get her out!" He's almost in tears. Who the hell is this? What's he talking about?

"Who?"

He looks away. This is it. This is why he's here. This is his secret. "Don't go, Shel. I'm scared too." I think I might just cry. He's so pathetic and small. I feel almost motherly love rise up. I want to help, suddenly. I never saw myself playing this role.

I walk toward him, showing him that I'm going to stay. He sighs a sigh of relief. He turns around, and I follow him back into the dorm.

We walk to the bed, and I grab his blanket and roll myself up in it. "So...what was that all about?" I ask slowly, not wanting to pressure him too much, but letting him know he can't get away with just not giving me any explanation for his little schizophrenic freak out there.

"It's my... my step mom, Elaine." Oh SHIT. Of all the guys at Horizon, it had to be him. Of all the problems he could have had, it had to be this one. Why!

"And?" He gets up. He can't do it. He's not going to do it. I can't ask anymore questions. He'll see I know too much. I wait. He looks out the window and starts talking.

"She'd come into my bedroom. Tell me she was scared and stuff."

"How long had she been your step mom?"

"A year."

"And when was like... the first time?"

"A month, maybe two months, after she moved in."

There's something I want to ask him. I don't know how he'll react, but it's now or never really. "Don't get mad, but... uh... this is gonna sound really bad... I kinda thought guys always wanted it." I cringe, waiting for the eventual blow.

"Me too," is all he says.

"I thought this stuff only happened to girls." Girls like me.

"Which makes me even more of a freak." Now that bothers me.

"You're not a _freak_, Scott. Elaine's the freak. See, this is what I hate. This jacked up thing happens to you, and you think it's your fault," I say with passion. Good going, Shel, nice following your own advice.

"But I never stopped it," he protests.

"Ya, but you tried."

"But I still... you know." Oh shit. That's right. I never even thought about that. Maybe I'll need to take a different approach to this.

"Maybe because it felt good?" I ask. He doesn't say anything. I get up and walk closer to him. "Is she pretty?" I try again.

"She makes me sick," he says with venom in his voice. So, this is what it's like to see true hate.

"Ya, I know now. Think back to when you first saw her. When your dad first brought her home. Was she pretty?"

"I guess." Well, it's progress.

"So, that's why you flipped out. You feel like you fantasizing about her, whatever, makes you guilty. Well, it doesn't, Scott, it doesn't make you guilty."

"She's my dad's wife. He loves her." He's been beating himself up over this for a long time. At least, I've always known that Walt was a bad man and that it wasn't my fault. At least, I've never blamed myself for this and never felt guilty. I have a whole other set of issues about it though.

"She's the one playing mind games, and lying, and making threats. She should be carted off to some psycho ward." I sigh. This is where another question I've had since the beginning now comes into play. "Are you gonna tell these guys here?" I ask, getting it out of the way. He looks at me, suddenly really scared.

"I don't know."

"Well, if you do, they have to report it, you know."

"My dad?" The fear shines through.

"Everyone, your dad, the cops. It's like the law of the school or something. It happened to a girl before. She told in group that her dad was abusing her and they had to report it."

"What happened?"

"He came and took her home." He looks down. He's not gonna tell, I know it. It's gonna come out some day and all hell will break loose, but until then...

"You won't tell, will you?"

"Nah, I won't tell," I say with a small smile.

"Thanks." It's so heartfelt.

"Ya, well, we'll see what you say when you get my bill," I say with a small chuckle. I walk up to him and give him a hug. He squeezes tightly and then softens it. I close my eyes and enjoy the wonderful feeling. As we part he gives me a small, but equally as good, kiss on my lips. "We should probably head back," I suggest after a while.

"Ya, I guess so." We grab our stuff and he takes my hand, leading me back to the lodge. We slip in and duck in under our covers. It's good everyone's asleep. It means we don't' have to deal with Queenie just yet. Tomorrow will be interesting.

Once we're in, we pull up our sleeping bags to cover our faces as we look at each other. Our hands become once again connected. I look at his hand, holding mine. "Good night," I mouth. He smiles, "Good night. Thank you." I close my eyes, and smile. This will be a good night.

The next morning, I wake up and our hands are still together. I smile and a tear comes to my eye. I squeeze it. "Scott," I whisper. Everyone else is just waking up. He blinks.

"Hey, beautiful." I smile, on the verge of tears.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to hear you say that," I sigh. I lean over and give him a small kiss.

We see Peter coming over and break it off. I roll up my bag as Peter says he needs to see him in his office. I see him go, as Roger comes in and calls out, letting us know there's a soccer game that's gonna start in a minute. As we're all leaving the lodge, he comes and joins up.

"What was that about?" I ask, concerned.

"Oh, nothing," he says waving it off. "Let's go play some soccer." He takes my hand, and I smile.

"Sounds good to me, cowboy," I say with a giant grin on my face.

We go out and start playing. I'm running around, and I get something on my face. He looks up and walks over and brushes a piece of dirt off my face. I'm smiling the biggest smile ever. I just want to run and hug him and kiss him all over. He strokes my face slowly, and softly. I love this feeling.

Wow, I'm genuinely happy. I can't believe it. It all turned out okay. More than okay. Perfect. I guess it was all worth it after all. Life is good now. Life is good.


End file.
